Crafting Solutions to Conflict

Flames suggest bad conflict, the destructive kind. Sparks suggest the good kind: the type that inspires creative thinking, effective collaboration, daring innovation.  Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at  jb@dovetailresolutions.com ! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator...

Different opinions, approaches, priorities, and expectations are exactly that: different. None is necessarily wrong. If a group starts out in agreement on the destination and the route, many small decisions remain. When a group finds itself dealing with those many decisions along the way, their decision-making process will likely determine their success or failure.  Do you have comments or suggest...

Kursten Faller joins me to discuss the book he co-authored with Alan Weiss, The Hidden Project Drivers”: Building Behavior that Drives Success.” We talk about creativity, innovation, and “optimizing friction”.You can learn more about Kursten from his LinkedIn profile and on his website: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kf-midgard/ and  https://kurstenfaller.com/ Do you have comments or suggestions abou...

Looking outward, it can be tempting to jump to conclusions about the unconscious bias we might assign to other people.  We can make assumptions about what we know about their upbringing, how they look, who they spend time with, where they live, what we think we know about them.  Better to resist that temptation. Unconscious bias can and does cause damage. A downward spiral where I assume the worst...

Mental shortcuts, such as bias, are essential to our survival. Understanding that unconscious bias is a mental shortcut makes it easier to examine it in ourselves, instead of simply rejecting the idea that we might harbor it. If it’s a moral failing, well, clearly, I don’t want to admit that possibility about myself.  If we are willing to look at ourselves, we can dig into what unconscious biases...

Interpersonal conflict can erupt unexpectedly. If it does, a firm foundation for the relationship can frequently prevent lasting harm from occurring.  People can find a way forward and not engage in earth-scorching behavior. And, often, interpersonal conflict is simmering for a while before it comes to a boil.  It may be tempting to pretend it’s not happening. Or to know it’s happening and decide...

David Hoffman joins me to talk about his most recent book, The Art of Impasse-Breaking in Mediation.  David is well known in the conflict resolution field and the recipient of numerous well-deserved honors and awards.  David takes us through the concept of impasse in mediation, an introduction to the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model, and insights on how we can recognize and more effectively dea...

It can feel easy to tote up the costs of having a difficult conversation about something important. It can seem overwhelming. It’s tempting to decide that we should just live with the status quo. We should add up the costs of doing nothing.  And then compare the costs.  Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution?...

The spaces we spend time in either stress or calm us. Or maybe they feel fully neutral. Our day-to-day setpoint in the environment where we live our lives sets us up for conflict prevention and resolution “readiness”.  We can easily overlook the environment we are in precisely because we live in it.  Taking a moment to step back and really think about the spaces we inhabit can help reduce stress a...

Sarah Walker joins me to talk about the role that our homes play in our day-to-day wellbeing. Sarah describes how interior design can support rest, focus, and recovery in our homes.  And we talk about planning for the evolution that families go through over time and how to plan spaces that will be welcoming to all generations, whether short-term visitors, permanent residents, and in-between.      ...

We’ve been encouraged to embrace active listening. Sure. But we need to be genuine, not engaging in actions or behaviors that aren’t ours.  It’s not helpful to adopt gestures that we have been told to use, yet feel foreign to us.        Not only do you run the risk that I will see through your acting, but some of your focus will be devoted to the acting – not to the actual listening.        What s...

Why quit while you are behind? Because if you continue the fight, you may dig a deeper hole for yourself. Possibilities for a small loss can become a bigger one when those with the upper hand become angry or frustrated. Because you may say or do things that brand you a sore loser. Because the sting of the experience can become greater for the other person without lessening your own pain. And if yo...

It’s not always easy to quit while you are ahead. But, when ongoing relationships matter, it’s worth the effort. How to do it? First, keep a laser focus on the prize. Not the peripheral issues. Let them go. Next, think ahead of time how the “win” might roll out. Consider, individually and within a faction, how to respond – including by saying nothing. Adopt a long view.  Try to accept a win gracio...

Sherri Noxel joins me today to talk about the challenges of family farms. These family businesses encounter the familiar ones – including the role of nonfamily employees, succession planning, and addressing legacy issues. They also face circumstances not commonly found in other industries, most importantly, their special connection to the land where they work and, frequently, also live. You can le...

We can have very different views about  charitable giving and that can lead to conflict. Magic, easy answers will be elusive. But a few reminders can help. Know your own priorities and values and be true to them.       First, don’t be the passionate supporter who becomes the pushy one. If you are on the receiving end of the pushiness, you can decline politely – and completely. Or you can choose to...

Fundamentally, it’s best to avoid a conflict.  We are not required to form judgments about other people’s spending. We can let that go and focus on other things. And if we do form judgments, we can keep them to ourselves. Both because we don’t know everything and because it’s not our job to judge.  Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict manag...

We can have attitudes about other people’s income sources.  And we can consider if and how we share our thoughts. Going back to my most recent guest, Natalie WagnerWillis: we need to be clear on our own priorities and values. How they apply to us internally, and how they connect us to others. Just labelling the other perspectives as wrong is unhelpful. Better to have both a clear understanding of...

Natalie WagnerWillis is my guest.  Natalie is a certified money coach and Finologist. Her father, Dick Wagner, was the original Finologist. Natalie shares her origin story and how she has developed and refined her own understanding of how we can better understand our internal relationship with money andour connection with the rest of the world through the exchange of money.  You can learn more abo...

The International Academy of Collaborative Professionals offers this definition: “Collaborative Practice is a voluntary dispute resolution process in which parties settle without resort to litigation.”  “Each party must be represented by a lawyer whose representation terminates upon the undertaking of any contested court proceeding.” https://www.collaborativepractice.com/ On the face of it, this s...

From the website of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals: “Collaborative Practice is a voluntary dispute resolution process in which parties settle without resort to litigation.”  The key point:  “Each party must be represented by a lawyer whose representation terminates upon the undertaking of any contested court proceeding.” That written agreement is essential. https://www.co...

Peter Johnson joins me today. We talk about his book, The Little Book of Family Treasure: Building Family Connection, Well-Being, and Legacy. And Peter explains how collaborative practice, more commonly known in the field of divorce, brings great value to the area of trusts and estates.  You can learn more about Peter’s work here:  https://pwjohnson.com/ Do you have comments or suggestions about a...

Problems start when we make false assumptions about entire generations, entire cohorts, and the individuals we meet who fall into one of them. So, what to do about it? First, recognize what we are doing. Next, take a moment to consider why people in that generation or cohort might tend to have the viewpoints they do.  Consider how you can take into account this different perspective.   Do you have...

We hear plenty of stereotypes about generations. In cohort theory, the emphasis is not on rigid boundaries set by birth years, but on shared experiences. Generations and cohorts themselves don’t necessarily get us into trouble. False assumptions do. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at  jb@d...

David Russell joins me today. We talk about his book, Bridging the Generational Divide: Generational Perspectives on Money. David says that his book is intended as a guide for advisors who are navigating family wealth, values, and conversations across generations.         I say that it has valuable insights for anyone interested in these challenges. Advisors who are not financial advisors, family...

The direct ones are, well, direct. They are easy to see. Who wouldn’t be offended?  Indirect triggers are trickier.  If I know the other person well, I may have a good guess at their indirect triggers. I can try not to create problems. I can consider those indirect triggers when I speak or don’t – or act or don’t. If I don’t know the other person well, and I inadvertently hit an indirect trigger,...