You Can't Do That

"Love to watch a mean teen fight a sun bear." Eva, Kelly, and Rave contribute to the Tom Wilson hitscourse in this otherwise light n frivolous episode. Expect lots of birds, a trio of uninspired Scorpios, a frank assessment of the Napoleonic tactics, a tour of a gentle zoo, and - where you least expect it - a sidebar about human trafficking. Wait, sorry, that part's not light or frivolous either....

"Short Kings Fight Club. SKFC." Welcome to our anti-capitalist sports podcast, where this week Kelly, Rave, and Eva spend a not-insignificant amount of time picking names out of a hat to cast hockeys in the seminal motion picture Mean Girls . Other stuff: The Caps' mainstream horniness, Jeff "Scratch me one more time and see what happens" Skinner, spawn of TK, the Chicago hockey team, and so very...

On the discussion docket for Rave, Eva, and Kelly this week: several questionable Caps games, art modeling, Sid's celebration, sinister moose, furries, the Yotes' yikes, Lake Tahoe 'fits, and Rave's Enemy Song. We KNEW the unabated sunshine was a problem!! This episode was recorded on February 21, 2021. Support us on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and check out our merch @ shop.spreadshirt.co...

This week, Eva, Kelly, and Rave grab their metaphorical craft supplies to make a valentine to weird blind dates, weird commentary on the all-Canada division, and weirdly specific warm-up jerseys. They do NOT make a valentine for the NHL. This episode was recorded on February 14, 2021.  Support us on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and check out our merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do...

Kelly, Eva, and Rave take a brief pause from talking self-deprecatingly about the Washington Capitals to be weird as hell about topics including high school theater, the Bruins, the Tkachuck Fucker map, and the Big Game (about which we know MANY things). This episode was recorded on February 7, 2021.  Support us on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and check out our merch @ shop.spreadshirt...

So many debacles to recap, so little time! Rave, Kelly, and Eva chat about weird but welcome Capitals wins, Zdeno's big goal, our friend Vitek Vanecek, and other news from the NHL. Plus: the (accidental) return of our Dreamboat of the Week segment. (This episode was recorded on January 31, 2021.  Support us on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and check out our merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/...

Every day of this weird dumb season has contained a year's worth of joyous idiocy, bad takes, and y’know. Hockey. This week, Eva, Rave, and Kelly discuss the Caps being made an example of, PLD peace-ing out for the 'Peg, Carter Hart: Tantrum Thrower, and more. Plus: The NWHL BUBBLE, BABY! This episode was recorded on January 24, 2021.  Support us on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and che...

Oh, listeners, we're in it now. Kelly, Eva, and Rave dissect some highlights from the first few days of this weird hockey season, including the Caps' general horniness, the Canucks' general struggles, and Jake Voracek's specific withering disdain. This episode was recorded on January 17, 2021. Support us on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and check out our merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant...

"It's truly the feminine monstrous in action." As the world continues to horrify and disappoint, Rave, Eva, and Kelly gather to find some levity in mid-aughts mall nostalgia, media bitches, the institutional sogginess of the Buffalo Sabres, locker room DJ practices, and the poems of Catullus. This episode was recorded on January 10, 2021. Support us on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and check...

"That's not how you make a stew." It's the calm before the new-season storm and while, yes, there are things for Eva, Rave, and Kelly to discuss - including new Washington Capital Zdeno?? Chara???? - there are also a LOT of messed-up dicks to talk about. Literally. This episode was recorded on January 3, 2021. Support us on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and check out our merch @ shop.spreads...

"The game is 'Everyone gets a girlfriend.'" Triple digits, y'all! We spend our hundredth episode leaning in even harder on our podcast #brand, and you know what that means: uninformed gossip, astrological divination, and enthusiastic roasting of ourselves and others. This episode was recorded on December 27, 2020. Support us on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and check out our merch @ shop.spr...

"Gratoony the Loony: The Wild, Unpredictable Life of Gilles Gratton" #CAPSREDLINE Episode 3, Segment 1: Cruising to Movies Support us on Patreon! And check out the latest designs in our merch shop !

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The NHL is still MIA, so Kelly, Rave, and Eva seek out some hockey-flavored serotonin in the form of a classic Pens/Caps barn-burner from 2010. You don't need to pre-watch or queue up the game to enjoy the episode. Eva had internet connectivity issues toward the back half of this one that necessitated a computer re-start and some headphones-swapping, but she handled it like a champ and Producer Da...

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Timecodes: 3:45 Historical Deep Dives 31:29 NHL updates 41:05 Hockeys on the internet 52:40 Baseball??? 55:45 What's coming up?

Timecodes: 3:30 SpoOoOoky Stories 18:45 A moment for Braden Holtby 34:50 Caps free agency updates 42:25 Breaking news!! 47:25 Kelly’s Canucks feelings 51:57 More free agency updates 65:50 Baby auction recap

Timecodes: 3:30 Cheeks Clappenin' (The Strip Club Game) 16:40 Congrats, Bolts! 33:23 Congrats…Dylan Strome?? 37:40 Super spreading 46:05 Trade talk! 54:30 What’s coming up?

Timecodes: 02:55 Spooky Season: Victorian Deaths 18:12 Playoffs check-in 29:22 Ovi’s birthday 36:25 GMJR, WYD? 43:50 Deepfake Sid 47:50 Cup Predictions 53:38 DOBBY 53:37 Severe teacher voice

Timecodes: 03:40 Which Hockey?: Disney Heroines 23:30 Stars vs Lightning: Here We Goooo 43:27 Special guest “Jamie Benn” 48:45 More on the Stars, the bubble, etc. 55:11 Trade stuff, we guess 1:08:48 Special boy awards!

Timecodes: 3:30 America’s Next Top Hockey 14:37 Ovi in Siberia 17:33 Our new son Yanic Duplessis 35:50 The NHL "Awards" 45:55 The Dallas Stars?!?!? 56:50 The Tampa Bay Lightning?!?! 1:04:00 Distracting chitchat 1:10:02 What’s coming up?

Timecodes: 3:30 Listener Q: Quarantine hobbies 10:45 Listener Q: Finishing school 17:15 The secret society of goalies 23:15 Caps pool party 30:00 Farewell, Canucks 46:36 Ryan Reaves :| 50:00 Farewell, Flyers 56:20 Farewell, Avs 65:00 What's coming up?

Timecodes: 3:30 Meet our guest host! 9:01 Slipping Into The Lava 20:40 The NHL response to strikes for Black lives 38:45 Playoffs vibe check / This week in the NHL 1:05:15 Danielle’s bubble boats! Follow Danielle on Twitter @daniellemeowias !

Timecodes: 03:18 Ways To Get A Husband 08:57 #ALLCAPS :( 25:15 Round 2 check-in 32:27 NHL drama 46:00 The “One Trade” Game 49:45 What's coming up