You Can't Do That

"Very Fehervary." This week, Kelly, Rave, and Eva return to activities both sacred (analyzing the Capitals' rookies' astrological charts) and profane (casting hockey players at random in trope-y seasonal made-for-TV movies). Plus: Nicke creeping, Ducks peeping, rent avoidance in Arizona, and more. This episode was recorded on December 14, 2021. Support us on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and...

"The yeeter got yoinked." Rave, Kelly, and Eva are pretty tired of watching the same group of coaches play musical chairs with NHL teams, but thankfully this week also served up delights like a puppy pile in Detroit, a gong show in Toronto, and a soothsaying baby in the District. Plus: Rave designed a game that, while not as explicit as Hockey or Livestock-y, may for other reasons be the worst we'...

"We've seen the veins a-pulsin'." The Washington Capitals are currently at the top of the Metro division and Eva, Rave, Kelly, and all our idiot boys are having a great time about it while it lasts — especially since other NHL happenings this week include such dramas as biting, glove-throwing, coach-firing, and Rod-fining. Plus: Eva went to a Hawks/Sharks game! This episode was recorded on Novembe...

"Metro-spreading. Ew." Honk yr car's little gay horn: We're heading to Connor McDavid's McMansion of Sorrows for this Thanksgiving feast. Kelly, Rave, and Eva's list of conversation topics to avoid dinner table awkwardness includes an update from Kuzy's revenge tour; losing to the Kraken as praxis; Canucks-flavored despair; and the trauma of your parents refusing to get you an American Girl doll e...

"Two stubborn white wrong guys." The holidays came early to YCDT: Eva's back in the U.S., Goop's back with another absurd gift guide, and the Caps beat the Penguins 6-1 in front of god and everyone. Thanks, Santa. Also on the docket: a formal apology, the glitch in Connor McDavid's matrix, and a solution for our sad Canucklings. This episode was recorded on November 15, 2021. Support us on Patreon...

"They are their own MLM." Eva, Kelly, and Rave explore a real grab bag of concepts this week, including the Golden Knights' commitment to the bitchy blushy bit, the parameters of "drip," multi-level marketing schemes, the King Solomon-ing of a gifted hockey baby, Morgan Rielly’s dedication to Toronto, and a frankly brilliant plot to replace one suffering NHL team with another. This episode was rec...

"It's like undead Grink." Eva is week-to-week with an upper body injury (broken internet in France), but we save a seat for her at Rave and Kelly's date night dinner table as they sort our new Caps babies into bins, assess the results of Hockeyween across our favorite teams, play a rapid-fire quiz game built for two. This episode was recorded on November 2, 2021. Support us on Patreon @ patreon.co...

"We found a SNAKE and it's MAD." Feel that vaguely threatening vibe in the air? It's the personification of spooky season! And its howling at the moon as it crawls on its bony hands and knees toward Halloween, leaving behind it a week of unexpectedly delightful hockey and predictably frustrating off-ice developments. Eva joins Rave and Kelly from France to chat about the trappings of Christian Gir...

"Head Head and Bone Bone." We're off to the races, a phrase which here means "Not yet disappointed by our teams or players and fully enjoying the NHL season so far." Knock wood for us, gang. Up for discussion by Eva, Rave, and Kelly: knuckle tattoos, lil Lappy, gremlin feedback, pop-art microblading, kissing expertise, '80s news program chyrons, and more. This episode was recorded on October 18, 2...

"He's rhythm guitar passing, for sure." Kelly, Eva, and Rave are ready to be hated if that's what the plot requires! Well, ready for the Washington Capitals to be hated, anyway. Come on down as we re-orient ourselves to a new NHL season in which the Tkachucks are wannabe mobsters, Jake Voracek is Trojan Horse-ing the Blue Jackets, and Erik Johnson's garage is the default practice space for a quest...

"I'm uptight but I got a foible." The Capitals are converging back in Washington and Rave, Eva, and Kelly are converging back on the mics, and we’re all basically loitering in the school gymnasium before the Welcome Back assembly, gossiping about who transferred schools and which of the new guys seems cool. C’mere, we saved you a seat. This episode was recorded on September 12, 2021. Support us on...

“We teach Genos to shrink themselves.” While the pod is away, the NHL will lose every last one of its marbles, apparently. Eva, Kelly, and Rave are back to weigh in on the Stanley Cup Final, a silly expansion draft and even sillier trade season, and much, much more. This episode was recorded on August 1, 2021. Support us on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and check out our merch @ shop.spreads...

"It's the yikening." Like Nate MacKinnon in a press conference, we're trapped in the semifinals with four teams we don't super love, and as a result our pod energy is fomenting a "School's out for the summer" vibe that leads in this episode to discussions of whales, potato salad, bucket hats, crypto, and dog bosses. This episode was recorded on June 13, 2021. Support us on Patreon @ patreon.com/yo...

"All you need is some goddamn therapy, bitch." If there's one thing Rave, Kelly, and Eva are qualified to talk about, it's hauntings and curses in the NHL. Their qualifications to discuss the other stuff - the Mitchuation in Toronto; the Bolts/Canes matchup; the Islanders in general - are up for debate. This episode was recorded on June 6, 2021. Support us on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat an...

"Marc is the man. Andre is the fish." As the remaining teams head into the second round, Eva, Rave, and Kelly check in on our highly acclaimed playoffs bracket to determine who's got the speed for an egg-and-spoon relay, the grit for charades, the zen for flip cup, and the mouth for successful apple-bobbing. Plus: We all know which teams have our hearts. But which teams have our wallets? This epis...

"He was living life too deliciously." Ready to get pucks deep? Ready to play our game?? Kelly leads Eva and Rave in a close literary reading of the first round results, including some very scientific assigning of blame for playoffs crimes and misdemeanors, with bonus moments of celebration for the meow meow Florida cats and newly minted hockey media icon Stephen A. Smith. This episode was recorded...

"You can't bully a carnival worker." It's playoffs time! Again. Somehow. Rave and Kelly welcome back friend of the pod Danielle ( @daniellemeowias ) to check in on the Caps versus...whichever team that is, Jack Eichel's body, and Eugene Melnyk's bizarre expectations for an ocean voyage. Then we dive in to our 2021 playoffs bracket and round one predictions, which are about as rooted in reality as...

"It's for furries. And for me." As the hell season draws to a close, Eva, Kelly, and Rave engage in a few of our Things (favorite and otherwise): TJ Oshie appreciation, Evgeny Kuznetsov apologism, Tom Wilson discourse, Bruins slander, and weird but spiritually appropriate names for pets. Oh, and dicks. OH AND CREATURES. Same as it ever was! This episode was recorded on May 8, 2021. Support us on P...

"I'm sick of these guys. Dot meme." If you think Kelly, Eva, and Rave are above armchair psychologizing NHL coaches based on their astrological charts: Reconsider! Other things they're not above: hiding in the walk-in freezer, offering sincere drunken support in the DMs, and taking an absolute shot in the dark about which West and Central teams have qualified for the Stanley Cup playoffs. This epi...

"Is there a Mrs. Mr. Crumblegoat?" This season just. Keeps on chuggin', huh? Rave leads Eva and Kelly through a week of Big Z appreciation, former-Capitals revenge tours, Pasta spilling the tea/beer, stepmoms, clown cars, and more. Question: Is anything scarier than a Virgo with an Aries moon? This episode was recorded on April 25, 2021. Support us on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and check...

"Oh my god they were co-stars." Your podmoms Eva, Rave, and Kelly have had time to process their trade deadline emotions and are now ready to discuss what happened in a calm, rational way. Mostly. Plus: N1KY-pocalypse, rage! at the Staples Center, and the return of a VERY romantic segment. This episode was recorded on April 18, 2021. Support us on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and check out...

"No - weird - sex stuff!" Some may say we done goofed by recording this episode before the trade deadline. But is it not enough to revisit a simpler time when Jakub Vrana was still a Washington Capital and Michael Raffl wasn't one yet? Other discussion items on Rave, Kelly, and Eva's docket include the Harry Styles' Tiny Desk Concert Appreciation Crew, a pizza promposal, the death of Yahoo! Answer...

"A case of the whoopsie sleepies." Do we want to kiss or slap the past week of NHL hockey? Hard to say. Eva, Rave, and Kelly chat about a string of Caps "wins," a range of player motivation "strategies," and whomst is most deserving of the label "coach's kid." Maybe we should dunk this one in a savory sauce and eat it in a single bite like a McNugget Minute instead. This episode was recorded on Ap...

"I am rigging the game right now." This week, Kelly, Rave, and Eva go long on bad reffing, bad commentary, good coaching, good trades, and - with apologies to our sweet Sabres buddies - the latest miserable lows of the Buffalo beat. Hockey is a cereal aisle and we are filling our cart. This episode was recorded on March 28, 2021. Support us on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and check out our...

"It is the Smurfs that are wrong." Much hockey occurred in our two weeks away from the mics, some good (Ovi goals!), some alarming (...the Flyers.......y'all...). And yes, Rave and Eva and Kelly discuss those things. More important discussion items, though: Pokemon, vanity abs, potato florets, Smurf villainy, and Home Depot lesbians. This episode was recorded on March 21, 2021. Support us on Patre...