You Can't Do That

"Sailor suited to high heaven." The Colorado Avalanche won the Stanley Cup, and what a Stanley Cup win it was. Eva, Kelly, and Rave recap Games 2-6 and the team's deeply compelling narratives in all the sumptuous detail they deserve. This episode was recorded on June 29, 2022. Support us on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and check out our merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that . Timeco...

"Swarovski Pwingy." Our dear Professor Kelly is back atop the host's throne to lead Rave and Eva through the latest in Stanley Cup catfighting (affectionate) and updates from the NHL coach swap meet. This episode was recorded on June 16, 2022. Support us on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and check out our merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that . Timecodes: (02:30) Rangers, Avs, etc. |...

"Why do you even HAVE that cursed amulet??" Rave and Eva (with cameos from Kelly!) recap a week full of meetings: the Oilers met the end of the line, NHL coaches met a buncha new boys at the combine, Hockey Twitter met the Sex Spreadsheet, and Rave met medical marijuana. You can imagine the shenanigans that ensued. This episode was recorded on June 7, 2022. Support us on Patreon @ patreon.com/youc...

"God, make me a sword of Gatorade." These not-terrible playoffs continue to hold Eva and Rave's interest! What fun! The latest developments to gnaw on include the Oilers leapfrogging the Flames and the Rangers besting the Canes; plus Swedish hospitality, a respectful Hello to Hilary Knight, and Jordan Binnington's directive from the lord. Amen. This episode was recorded on May 31, 2022. Support us...

"Enough of a peat." Fellas...is it gay to love your brother? Rave and Eva gear up for a Kelly-less exploration of another week of playoffs messiness, including the Panthers' untimely exit, the Rangers' appealing wifery, and Connor McDavid's robotic mole rat star quality. Plus: Some sprinkles of dreamboat-ery. This episode was recorded on May 24, 2022. Support us on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdot...

"Horse heist." Round 2 of the 'Loffs continues, and Eva, Kelly, and Rave's loyalties, preferences, and prejudices are evolving accordingly. Brad Marchand? Good! (For now.) Leafs? Upsetting! (For now.) Johnny Gaudreau and Sean Monahan's true love? We're invested! (For now.) Also: Sorry to friend of the pod PJ on the death of your Wild. You were right to be wary. This episode was recorded on May 17,...

""He's putting his whole salad into this." Can wit and charm make compelling some now-outdated playoffs observations from Kelly, Rave, and Eva? Tune in to find out, or at least to be reminded of the mood before Sid got injured, the Bruins got even, and the Wild got got. Plus: Eurovision! This episode was recorded on May 11, 2022. Support us on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and check out our...

"Unfortunately, we might thrive." The game ones (games one) of the first round of the 2022 Stanley Cup playoffs are under the collective belt of Rave, Eva, and Kelly, and the mood is: pretty okay, actually! It's a little tough to figure out where our loyalties lie, but since every Cup win is a fluke, that may not matter. Plus: The return of the practical backyard games bracket challenge. This epis...

"Do you want us to be on time, or hot?" Eva’s computer tried to do a murder to this episode, so please excuse the audio quality! She and Rave and Kelly simply can’t allow a week of Capitals hockey, several loffs-clinching narratives, and a thought exercise about dropping hockeys into various Hunger Games arenas go unremarked upon. This episode was recorded on April 20, 2022. Support us on Patreon...

"Take it to Tisch." Can you believe this is the 150th episode of our idiot podcast? Kelly, Rave, and Eva can't, but they CAN use the expertise gleaned from four years of...whatever this is...to determine the topics of podcasts they choose hockeys at random to host. Plus: the suddenly-good-again Washington Capitals?, the crimes of Geno, and the alleged theatrics of Tim Stutzle. This episode was rec...

"A phoenix! But it's a duck. A duck on fire." Close-minded dweebs will tell you that when a team has a players-only meeting before the playoffs, it's a bad sign. Rave, Eva, and Kelly do not agree! They weigh in on this common misconception, plus the Jayvor Zeagle Hotdogging Incident, acclimating the Panthers to life outside the void, and the respect owed (or not) to Keith Yandle. Also: The return...

"Mike's Hard look in the mirror." The Washington Capitals continue to surprise and delight Eva, Rave, and Kelly with Nicke-themed celebrations, but elsewhere in the NHL the Red Wings, Flames, and Kings are getting up to various and sundry activities, which means it's time to consult the tarot deck. This episode was recorded on March 29, 2022. Support us on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and c...

"You gotta deprioritize the module." Other than the limits imposed by Philadelphia's gingers-only requirement, this season's trade deadline was...fine. Sure, Claude is a Panther now, and Flower's a Wild, and some other choices leave us with more questions than answers, but it's all hot gossip in the end! And y'all know Kelly, Eva, and Rave love hot goss. This episode was recorded on March 22, 2022...

"Dig? Grab?? Hoist?!" This week, topics for Rave, Eva, and Kelly to discuss come fluttering down from the sky like so much beautiful confetti: cults (again!), Nicke's big milestone, Kuzy's hatty, Dowder's new toy, J'Eichel's spite tour, Chandler Stephenson's sage advice, Josty's new adventure, and another round of casting hockeys in self-indulgent fictional narratives. This episode was recorded on...

"Topical like a salve." Mawwage is what bwings us together, as evidenced by this week's tribute to our mom and dad, Ovi and Nicke, on the occasion of their 1000th game together. Lotta talk about long-term relationships in this one, actually: the Caps and crafting, Eva and the Detroit Red Wings, Robin Lehner and snakes, us and the trade deadline. May as well renew our vows. This episode was recorde...

"Be sedate WITH sheer panels." The success (knock wood) of some of this season's replacement NHL coaches seems to suggest that leading teams from a place of love and respect...works? Kelly, Rave, and Eva discuss this shocking possibility, plus Joe Snively's ascendancy, Jack Eichel's return, celebratory Finns, and, of course, always: boybands. This episode was recorded on February 22, 2022. Support...

"Local short king makes good." If the recent performance of the Washington Capitals is any indication, we’re fully in our clown slip era, so Rave, Eva, and Kelly are leaning in with the help of some of our greatest hits: AI-generated Valentine’s greetings, a stern admonishment that we know Brad Marchand will ignore, and big questions about the Calgary Flames’ trade activities. This episode was rec...

"Over-produced yet under-interesting." What a weekend! The NHL’s alleged “all stars” gathered in Vegas for embarrassing sketch comedy and some approximation of beer-league hockey and in the process gave Eva, Kelly, and Rave MUCH to discuss. This episode was recorded on February 8, 2022. Support us on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and check out our merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-tha...

"Flopping loose provolone all around." Kelly, Eva, and Rave kick off the year of the tiger with hearts full of feelings over Braden Holtby and brains full of next-level ideas to improve the All Star Game, the Arizona Coyotes organization, and the Washington Capitals' collective understanding of grade school math. Put us in charge immediately. This episode was recorded on February 3, 2022. Support...

"The audacity. The PAW-dacity." Which teams are at the top of the NHL right now? Seriously, we're asking, because between allegations of shapelessness and the darkness of McNugget McMinutes, lots of 'em seem to be Going Through It. Join Rave, Kelly, and Eva for their usual searing analysis, plus talk of sexy goals, puppy pals, eldritch bitches, and more. This episode was recorded on January 25, 20...

"I know what you did last anytime." The Avs are trying not to laugh, the Caps are trying not to win, and Eva, Rave, and Kelly are trying to figure out if certain NHL teams can make it out of implausible life-or-death scenarios unscathed. Also for consideration: Leon the unprofessional, Prong the inspiring, and Brad the Lambo (we guess?!). This episode was recorded on January 19, 2022. Support us o...

"Rachael Leigh Cook-ing it through life." The Bootleggers referred to in this episode's title have nothing to do with the hockey team currently playing in the Windy City and everything to do with this episode's prevailing theme, which we'd classify as "Luxury without effort." Other topics that Kelly, Eva, and Rave dissect: four hilarious Caps losses, J'accuse in the spotlight, dragging Andre hours...

"On the basis of 'feels like it.'" Ready to get going? Better be, because it's 2022 now, allegedly, and Rave, Eva, Kelly, and the NHL are hitting the ice at a slow glide. This week: Ovi ascendency, neck heroism, Avs horniness, Summer Olympics sadness, and both the dad AND home generator of the year. Boner. This episode was recorded on January 5, 2022. Support us on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdot...

"You're gonna lube this." While we enjoy a lil holiday break, we hope you enjoy this formerly Patreon-exclusive bonus segment. Continuing a journey we first began in Episode #131 , Rave leads Kelly and Eva further into the abyss of the 2021 Goop Gift Guide, featuring bathroom soap dispenser noises, a dog named Popcorn, Ellen Pompeo's sleepytime routine, and much (too much!) more. This segment was...

"You could bungee jump off that DNA strand." It's that liminal period before the end of the year and Eva, Kelly, and Rave react accordingly with a grab bag of hockey topics, lightly bonkers stuffed toys, and vaguely threatening memes. (After we recorded, the NHL did indeed cancel a week's worth of games and decided our big idiots can't play at the Olympics. Just pretend you don't know that yet.) T...