You Can't Do That

"Put a bag over your birdcage." Critical questions for Kelly, Rave, and Eva this week: Who's the Selling Sunset and who's the Prison Break? Who's the Patrik Laine and who's the Taylor Hall? Who's getting his biceps squeezed on Swedish TV and who's remaking his struggling professional organization in his image? And do you think Sid & Ovi saved hockey or are you WRONG? This episode was recorded...

"All my life to game." On the emotional scale of Canadian hockey teams, how are YOU doing? Because Nicklas Bäckström is "stepping away from the game" so Rave, Kelly, and Eva aren't great!! At least we have Capitals' Halloween costumes, a Sharks win, and Sabres Speed Dating to soothe us. This episode was recorded on November 12, 2023. Support the pod: Follow us on TikTok @youcantdohockey , get bonu...

"He does not. Give. One. Hell." Eva, Kelly, and Rave are shocked - SHOCKED! To discover there's GAMBLING going on in this hockey establishment! This week they're checking in on the latest from Ottawa, observing the Dylan Strome of it all in Washington and the Connor Bedard-ing in Chicago, bidding a fond farewell to Jumbo Joe, and scolding the league YET AGAIN for writing dry-erase checks it can't...

"That gyre is gonna f*ckin' widen, baby." The NHL banned rainbow stick tape celebrations of LGBTQ+ support, but as usual, the joke's on the league because this pod's gay little hands are all over this sport and will be forever. Kelly, Rave, and Eva weigh in on that nonsense, plus a fun and flirty week of good, bad, and unimportant hockey from the Pens, Canucks, and Caps, respectively. This episode...

"There's something delightful about a rat boy forcing your hand." Rave, Kelly, and Eva are sooooo back, and with quite a summer to recap, from Kuzy's unfiltered interview to Mark Badcop's blessedly brief time as CBJ coach and the return of both spite-fueled Nicke and noted Sidney Crosby fan Evgeni Malkin. This episode was recorded on October 2, 2023. Support the pod: Follow us on TikTok @youcantdo...

"They're both sans serif." That's a wrap on the '22-'23 NHL season! While our preferred goobers may not have won, Kelly, Eva, and Rave have room in their hearts for some Vegas narratives, too. Plus: Checking in on terrible coaches, fractured locker rooms, Kyle, and our babiest baby's new baby on board. This episode was recorded on June 18, 2023. Support the pod: Follow us on TikTok @youcantdohocke...

"The burden of c*nt to serve." Climb in the Little Stuart car with Eva, Rave, and Kelly for a lightly belated check-in on two rounds of playoffs magic and NHL admin dumbassery featuring media darling Matthew Tkachuk, super-loser Jamie Benn, seductress Sidney Crosby, the agony and ecstasy of Kyle Dubas, and oh so much more. This episode was recorded on May 29, 2023. Support the pod: Follow us on Ti...

"It's mouth stuff." Round 1 was weird and fun as hell, but now we're heading into Round 2 of Stanley Cuppery with a set of teams that feel like mismatched gag gift shot glasses from the thrift shop. Please don't misunderstand: Rave, Eva, and Kelly are LOVING it. This episode was recorded on May 3, 2023. Get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and check out our merch @ shop.spreads...

"Quinn is for the she/hers." The Washington Capitals are officially out of this year’s playoff race, lol. But so are the Pittsburgh Penguins! Thankfully, between the soap opera of these two miserable teams and the various comedies, dramas, and genre films that make up the Round 1 matchups, Kelly, Rave, and Eva have a whole Blockbuster’s worth of DVDs to enjoy. This episode was recorded on April 16...

"Wayne WHATsky?!" The only people cruising more calmly to the end of this NHL season than the reigning Bruins are Rave, Kelly, and Eva as the Capitals peter out like a womp-womp trombone. Better luck next year, babes! Let's check in on some of our other boys thriving in new markets and make fun of homophobic idiots instead! This episode was recorded on April 4, 2023. Get bonus content on Patreon @...

"Kuzmas is the same." Can someone puhLEAZE tell the Washington Capitals to just stop already? Eva, Kelly, and Rave are tired of trying and we need a solution before these guys beat all odds and logic and wind up in the playoffs through some egregious twist of fate. Plus: Throw him in the Bin-nington; St. Louis Beans; and a visit from an old...well, maybe "friend" isn't the right word. This episode...

"The sunk-JT fallacy." This year's trade deadline lasted several years and was chock full of dramas, from the lowbrow (New York Ranger Patrick Kane) to the high (farewell Dima and Garnet, our beloveds), so Kelly, Eva, and Rave spend a nice long time discussing everything. Plus: A thorough analysis of the sun/moon/rising signs of the league's top-line trios. This episode was recorded on March 5, 20...

"He prestige'd us." Our Washington Capitals proved this week that while they're a bunch of good and handsome dads to their adorable children, they are perhaps slightly less good at playing professional hockey than they should be. Rave, Kelly, and Eva deal with that and weigh in on Tarasenko to NYR, Sid's first game misconduct, and a white blank Toews. This episode was recorded on February 19, 2023...

We thought it'd be a fun Valentine's treat to re-post an old Patreon bonus segment on the main feed today. This one is from way back in February 2020, if you can believe, and was originally described thusly: "Kelly, Eva, and Rave were really On One during the recording of this very silly Valentine's-themed game, but to be fair, so were the AI bots that designed the candy hearts whose messages your...

"We stan a sopping queen." This season's All Star Weekend horseplay had the self awareness to situate itself in an unserious place (Florida) so Eva, Rave, and Kelly are more than happy to bestow upon it their equally unserious commentary. Also: Beau for Bo, the Alexander Semin jumpscare, and the most recent bout in the ongoing saga of Caps vs. Pens. This episode was recorded on February 5, 2023. G...

"The Canadian patois." From Tumblr’s infestation of unhinged porn bots to the utterly miserable treatment of our beloved Bruce Boudreau by the Vancouver Canucks, Kelly, Eva, and Rave are going through a lot right now. Commiserate with us! This episode was recorded on January 22, 2023. Get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and check out our merch @ shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-d...

"REEKS of Barzal." Eva, Kelly, and Rave welcome you to 2023 in all its cringe splendor! In addition to the Caps' week of foreplay leading up to Nicke and Tom's one-goal return game, we saw Trevor Zegras shoplifting sticks mid-shift, Jordan Eberle penning an earnest ode to Islanders hockey, AND the Bruins doing the absolute most for the Winter Classic. Can everyone please calm down. This episode wa...

"Canadian Hogwarts. For clowns." A certain brick-shithouse-built Russian has been busy this month making history or whatever, so Eva, Rave, and Kelly are ready to wrap up 2022 with their own contributions to the hockey canon, namely: jokes, jabs, and japes. This episode was recorded on December 28, 2022. Get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and check out our merch @ shop.spread...

"...and a Ziploc full of old bones." It's the week before winter break. How you holdin' up? Kelly, Rave, and Eva check in on the near-dead Capitals, the actually dead Avs, the adventure-bound Wild, and our various plans and schemes to keep these NHLers entertained until the final bell rings to signal the start of vacay. Pray for us. This episode was recorded on December 11, 2022.. Get bonus conten...

"Un-thwartable." Rave, Kelly, and Eva are hurtling headfirst toward the holiday season (read: acquainting themselves with this year's Goop Gift Guide). Plus: distinct kicking motions discourse, a whole week of Geno-versaries, and a reminder that we were HAPPY to let our baby goalies go, actually, because we LOVE them and wanted them to THRIVE. So. This episode was recorded on November 27, 2022. Ge...

"Go to therapy, Bowser." Our Washington Capitals are delivering comedy, tragedy, and injury, but hockey continues to be none of the screaming eagle's goddamn business. Also on Eva, Rave, and Kelly's docket this week: windbreakers, Dylan vs. Connor, the purple prose of Josh Yohe, and the hockey team of Genovia. This episode was recorded on November 17, 2022. Get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.c...

"A middle school play called 'The Locker Room.'" Low expectations have the NHL standings looking like Opposite Day, but one thing Rave, Eva, and Kelly can depend on is applying astrological fixes to team morale problems. And maybe throwing in a lovable cranky iron man for good measure. This episode was recorded on October 30, 2022. Get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat and check...

"We've betrayed our live organist." Sometimes being an adult means looking a reporter dead in the eye to answer “No” when asked if your team has any redeeming qualities. Other times, it means casting hockey players in flirty sexy spooky Halloween horror movie scenarios. But no matter what, being an adult means positioning your dumpster fire so that it doesn’t spread to other dumpsters - and by tha...

"Extant bitches will thrive." Like TJ Oshie introducing Dylan Strome to the Caps polycule, Eva, Kelly, and Rave are re-introducing each other to the hot goss from the NHL offseason. (But not the Avs' Cup celebrations, because like the Avs, once we get started on that one we're not gonna stop.) Plus: Divining what's in store for a few teams based on classic novel plotlines. This episode was recorde...

Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/youcantdothat Merch: https://shop.spreadshirt.com/you-cant-do-that/