You Can't Do That

"Team breakfasts won't save you." This season's trade deadline really insisted upon itself, you know? Kelly, Rave, and Eva take a look at the goings-on to sort the Goofuses (Mikko to DAL, Brad to FLA, Rick Tocchet generally) from the Gallants (Fleury vs. Pens, Bedard vs. refs, the Capitals generally). This episode was recorded on March 17, 2025. Timecodes: (2:40) Fight Songs | (11:16) Trade deadli...

“He's a soup combo for sure." This podcast has been marked safe from being scored on by Alex Ovechkin! But hopefully not for long. Kelly, Rave, and Eva check in on the Caps’ mAgiCaL cHemIsTrY, the poetry of the Gr8 Chase, the power of the Flyer’s Last Supper, the darksided energy of Connor McDavid’s McNightmare, and the Canucks’ various missteps. This episode was recorded on March 2, 2025. Timecod...

"I’ve seen that vest before." Have y'all heard about this Four Nations Face-Off thing? Rave, Eva, and Kelly tried to ignore it like its organizers ignored the Washington Capitals, but we should've known there'd be too much silliness for your hosts to avoid having opinions about for long. This episode was recorded on February 17, 2025. Timecodes: (4:29) Please Enjoy All Hockeys Equally [aka Severan...

"Confuses the eye and the mind." Our wonderful Kelly is ill, which means the loons are in charge of the asylum over here. Rave and Eva discuss the Capitals' agape love and nachos on ice, then weigh in on the Avs sending Mikko away (and freeing Taylor Hall in the process); the Canucks sending JT to hell; the Flyers sending those children to Calgary; and - dun dun DUNNN - the return of T*ny D*angelo...

"No object permanence." In honor of YCDT's overlapping 200th episode and 7th anniversary milestones, Producer Danielle leads Kelly, Eva, Rave, and Producer Laura through a retrospective of pod moments past. Thank you for listening for all these years!! This episode was recorded on January 12, 2025. Timecodes: (1:40) Who Said That?? | (34:45) Special Requests

"Consulting lesbian." IT'S OUR 200th EPISODE but we'll celebrate that milestone later. Right now Kelly has to lead Eva and Rave on a tour of NHL locker rooms to assess the wide range of conflicts blessing and/or haunting teams at the midpoint of the season, including PLD vs. the world, Pasta vs. Marchand, Miller vs. Pettersson, the Flyers vs. a child, and the Rangers (and this podcast) vs. Peter T...

"Oozing with culture." If our admittedly shoddy record-keeping is to be believed, the Capitals haven’t embarrassed themselves since they lost to the Sharks on Pride Night - and even that was kinda worth it. Rave, Kelly, and Eva grapple with this new version of the Caps that’s horny as ever and somehow also…good? At…hockey. Also on the docket: the Rangers’ slow death, Matvei’s Michigan, and that wh...

"Alfredo caulk." Whew, busy couple weeks, huh? Join Eva, Rave, and Kelly to check in on the Caps’ increasingly not-bad play, Ovi's fibula, THE RETURN OF LARS ELLER!, hot witch Sid, Jumbo Joe's jersey retirement, Jonathan Toews' toxins, and, yes, sorry: Mats Zuccarello's balls. This episode was recorded on November 24, 2024. Support the pod: Get bonus content on Patreon @ patreon.com/youcantdothat...

"Sauna." Kelly, Rave, Eva, and all our favorite guys are settling in to this hockey season. Let's check in! Whomst of our Capitals is fueled by spite? Which hot old man is least likely to leave his cozy nest? Which coach is lie-truthing, and which one is truth-lying? Who is farming our engagement? And what the HELL is the Phenomenotter googling over there?? This episode was recorded on November 10...

"Sportsbetting dot org dot gov." The Caps were winning games for a minute there and Rave, Eva, and Kelly found it unsettling. Thankfully, the Pens’ suffering, the Canucks’ neuroses, the league’s Halloween costumes, and the anti-5G armor of one particular Toronto Maple Leaf kept us tethered to reality. This episode was recorded on October 27, 2024. Support the pod: Get bonus content on Patreon @ pa...

"Who's where??" Eva, Kelly, and Rave are BACK, baby. Get ready for everything that entails: sighing with fond exasperation at the Washington Capitals; forgetting teams and players we've absolutely discussed before; prodding marketing material and astrological charts for signs of depth; and, occasionally, talkin' 'bout hockey. This episode was recorded on October 14, 2024. Support the pod: Get bonu...

Pod's back this week for our EIGHTH season of NHL hockey. Sorry! You're welcome!

"Spiritual divorce." Lord Stanley has chosen his babies of the year, and gosh if your hosts didn't just delight in the adventure to get here. Eva, Rave, and Kelly reflect on the accuracy of our pre-finals tarot reading, celebrate the satisfying plot developments in the narratives of Mssrs. Tkachuck and McDavid, crown their own playoffs Super Freak, gut check changes to the Caps roster (and to CapF...

"Not on OUR part of the internet." Rave, Eva, and Kelly did not necessarily predict this Stanley Cup finals matchup, but one must admit there is something satisfyingly YCDT-coded about its hashtag narratives. Join us as we check in on DILF softball in DC, eulogize our fallen Stars/Rangers, and ask the tarot cards what to expect in the final round. This episode was recorded on June 2, 2024. Support...

"Make my doodle look butch." Kelly, Rave, and Eva are back with Round 2 thoughts as the playoffs continue to dazzle and delight, and, in the case of one team in particular, cause Kelly great mental anguish. Press play for the league's most compelling gay fox-dog, community reffing, NateMac's hostile takeover of Sidney Crosby's summer house, and the unexpected silver lining of the Rangers' success....

"A pious suitor for my eldest daughter." This is an episode filled with evil laughter, but to be fair to Eva, Kelly, and Rave, there are quite a lot of things worth laughing evilly about as the playoffs move into the second round. Points of interest include Kuzy's perpetual-motion hate machine, the battle of the Florida Mans, and the phrase "Sean Cody's little rascals." T his episode was recorded...

"The pathos is upped." Check in on the playoffs' first round with Kelly, Eva, and Rave! Lots to contend with so far, including Kuzy gaslighting the Canes with a veneer of respectability, Caps messiness (fond), Canucks messiness (anxious), and sweet Mitchell Marner's exquisite suffering. This episode was recorded on April 27, 2024. Support the pod: Follow us on TikTok @youcantdohockey , get bonus c...

It's the return of a YCDT tradition: Rave, Eva, and Kelly assess the Stanley Cup Playoffs round one matchups to determine the non-hockey games these teams should actually be playing based on their shared auras, histories, and hopes. To hear the rest of this bonus segment, support us on Patreon !

"Wienerpeg our way to the top." The Caps are teetering on the precipice of doing something SO hilarious. You may listen to this episode after their fate has been sealed - if so, please enjoy this snapshot of Eva, Rave, and Kelly's mental and emotional state in the before times. Also on the ol' outline this week: uncrunchable Nicke, calm collected Cooley, the Yotes' no good very bad ownership, and...

"He meant what he yelled." Our Washington Capitals remain too stupid to realize that they are dead and Kelly, Rave, and Eva are delighted! What a time we're all having! Topics for discussion include TJ's 1000th, the Pens' existential dread, Kuzy's new nest, Torts' hissy fit, the Larkin-less Red Wings, and a funky little Pittsburgh mystery. This episode was recorded on March 17, 2024. Support the p...

"Who to the core." Much occurred while this pod was fighting off illness, so Rave, Kelly, and Eva roll up their sleeves to tackle an agenda that includes the half-life of cocaine, Ted's big fail, Auston's golf...pod?, the Tampa yakuza, and the brief but appreciated heroism of Anthony Manthony. And in the distance, the trade deadline looms... This episode was recorded on March 3, 2024. Further read...

"We have sparkling water money on the line." There's a lot about this year's All Star weekend for Eva, Kelly, and Rave to analyze, including Brock Boeser's "Favorite Boy" award, Kuch's boos, Michael Buble's drug experience, and...those player portraits. You know the ones. Also: Ovi's got his groove back; odes to discontinued jerseys; and an update from Kelly's Canucks corner. This episode was reco...

"The Amazing...Unlawful Confinement." Did you know that like our Washington Capitals, YCDT has a fun little freak tunnel of our own? Kelly, Eva, and Rave are having a grand ol' time in there. Coaching trends are getting analyzed, forcibly-separated bonded pairs are being mourned, improvements to the All Star Game are being suggested (AGAIN. FOREVER). Come hang in the freak tunnel with us!! This ep...

"It's bad pedagogy." It's a new year! But like the Washington Capitals, this pod is back on its traditional and beloved bullshit. And we've lots to discuss, including Ethan Bear, the Pens-Caps nursing home derby, leech fears, the return of Dima, hot mic vendettas, broken jaws, classiness, and whether or not we want Dylan Strome to face Connor McDavid at the ASG in front of god and everyone so we c...

"No more Kuzy sauce in the pasta room." The Caps are frolicking through this season with a buoyancy that Eva, Rave, and Kelly cannot help but be charmed by: Kuzy sauce? Tom trick? Dallas slut-ery?? C'mon, we're only human. Also on the agenda: hunting for Bear, Jacob Trouba's artistic explorations, Chicago and Detroit warring for Eva's heart, Rod's angry Bod, the Flyers renaissance, and MONEY MONEY...