Year One of Grief

Often times when we experience loss it can damage our self esteem and we may start to feel like a bit of a loser. We start to imagine that's how the outside world sees us too. However, I conducted a little experiment and found that not to be the case. Granted, my sample size was small but the results were uplifting.

After another week of business travel I find myself in airports thinking of my beautiful bride and how when I traveled before I could hardly wait to get home to see Pam. Now it seems I don't really have a home and could sometimes careless if my flights are delayed or cancelled. In today's episode I'm heading back from Texas and begin to explore what home really means.

It is so strange how grief can strike with feelings of deep sadness when we least expect them. I had the idea of revisting some of the places we lived while on a business trip in west Texas. However, I was not ready for the wide range of emotions I experienced as I visited our past.

I'm continuing a week long trip across west Texas for work. This part of Texas is like a different planet compared to central and eastern Texas. But there's something about this harsh landscape that brings back some fond memories of when Pam I lived here. Among those memories, the smell of money aka oil and the birth of our first child.

I'm back on the road for work and this week's travel takes me to West Texas where I found a lot of strong memories from times spent in the part of the world with me lovely bride Pam. At the same time I had some more amazing talks on the way out here from Nashville. Further evidence that if we simply open ourselves up to people we find there are so many out there that simply want and need to share...

We had a terrible night of severe storms around here which led to some widespread flooding. However, I was thankful to be living on high ground. However, these floods were great reminder of how things can be replaced but not people.

It was a rainy Saturday and with nobody to share my day with I had absolutely no idea what to do. As the day went along I started to realize that the problem of not knowing what to do went beyond just this Saturday. What about the next week, next month, next year? Will I ever get it figured out? Listen and here if I came up with the answer..

Working from home alone sucks the big one. Some people love it and I know I would enjoy it so much more if my sweet wife Pam was still here. My answer to the workday blues...get out of the house! It made a world of difference. I also had an interesting conversation with a woman in Lowes and struggled buying a patio set for two when I really only needed one.

There is no doubt in my mind that the day I lost my sweet Pam was the saddest, darkest day of my life. But, I have to train myself to remember the happy days and in this case the happiest days of my life.

It was one of those days when I was in the car for five or six hours traveling back from a work trip. During those long car rides the mind begins to wander and my imagination begins to take over. You ever have one of those days? If so, you may enjoy hearing some my thoughts on this day.

As I continue my travels for work today I met a woman who lost her son at a fairly young age. Earlier I met with a client that had his marriage end in divorce after 32 years and is happy to be out of the relationship. At the same time his brother was devastated at the sudden death of his wife after 40 yaers of marriage. Thru these encounters I heard 3 very different reactions to loss.

One thing about my job and the travel it now brings is I'm assured of meeting new and interesting people. That is of course provided I put myself out there which in my case has and never will be a problem. Today, I met a young broadcast chief engineer, the sister of a possibly Olympic wrestler and I had deep emotions stirred after seeing a woman that appeared to be Pam...but of course it wasn't.

Sunday for many is a day of worship by attending church. And, I did exactly that. However, I also added in some golf, dinner out at a Mexican restaurant that featured a Japanese server followed by traveling to a small Kentucky town where apparently the bourbon industry is driving tremendous growth.

We've talked about it before, but weekends can be tough for those that have experienced loss. However, the key is to simply get out there, no matter how hard it may feel. In my case, it never fails to amaze me the people I end up running into and making some great connections that otherwise would have never been known had I not ventured out of my house. This Saturday was no exception.

In recent months I would say one of the top questions I get from people that have lost a loved one is should I travel alone. I get it, traveling alone can seem overwhelming, especially if you were with someone for a number of years. Staying at home can often leave us to dwell on our loss, while getting out and on the open road can provide a feeling of relief as we escape our 4 walls which can some...

How many of you remember the song by the Carpenters "Rainy Days and Mondays"? Today was not a Monday but rainy days still can get me down. There's just something about sunshine that sets off my happy meter. However, despite the rain I found some joy from an unexpected source. A movie that made me cry. But...it was a good cry.

Strange how a cloudy, rainy day can stir memories of our loved ones. In today's episode I talk about the simple things I miss about Pam, including a game of Scrabble.

I ran into a lady who found out you went to heaven. She said I was young and I bet you'll find someone else. Indeed she meant well, but at this point I really don't care if I meet someone else. The fact is, it's rare to have lightning in a bottle more than once!

I'm not a big fan of rainy days. The dark clouds just seem to bring me down. My sweet wife Pam was the same way. That's probably why we lasted less than 2 years in New York and only 6 months in Portland. But, we would then move to sunnier climates and all was well. It's very much like life. We can have dark cloudy days but then the sun appears and all is better.

We've talked before about how weekends can be tough for singles. Weekends are built around couples and family activities. The temptation can be to stay home and have what I call a "pity party". I know the temptation is strong and more than a few times I've nearly given in to that temptation. However, I've yet to do it and every time I get out I end up meeting and talking with some amazing people....

For over 30 years my sweet wife Pam and I loved the weekends. Both when we were first married without kids, then with kids and later as empty nesters we were always on the go. Now with her in heaven my weekends are not nearly the same. However, I do find if you make yourself get out you can still find some joy. Will it be as good? Well, probably not but it can good in a different way.

I have enough good memories of me and my sweet wife Pam to fill the Library of Congress. One of my fondest memories is of my grandparents that lived in the small Tennessee town of Hornbeak. I still laugh about Pop Morris and how he would tell us we were good people. It was just funny how he would say it and we always loved those memories of our visits with him and Mom Morris. Today I thought about...

I was blessed to have a wife that I truly loved from the first day I met her to the day she left for heaven. Today while going thru some photos I found a sweet reminder of that love. At the same time I met an amazing woman from Mexico and another who is moving to Missouri.

Today I visited a large public park area after work. It ended up being a great idea because I met to amazing women, was prayed over in the middle of field and reminded of some great memories I shared with my lovely bride Pam.

Dreams are something people have been trying to interpret since the beginning of time. Some can be frightening, some are funny and some like the one I had recently are filled with passion. In my most recent dream it was so beautiful because I was making love with my beautiful wife. Unfortunatley, it was just that...a dream. You see, she's in heaven now and I've lost her touch forever. Honestly, th...