Worthless Clowns

Ali has a life changing dream about a celebrated family of inventors called “The Poops.” Brittany is 8 years old, failing hard at pretending not to have a horse obsession. A woman accidentally gets a tattoo of her mother in a coconut bra. Memories of putting Garter snakes in pockets, dog fundraisers and giant dog beds, and the devastating plot of Black Beauty. For clips and pics, follow the pod @w...

Ali’s brother takes a risk making small chat with dudes in a dark sauna. Brittany’s college roommate makes their dorm room into a depression sanctuary. RAT NEWS: We discover which rats we are! A man thinks marriage is about having someone to put your C-PAP machine away. Memories of Seinfeld Club, putting cats in the sink, and dad jokes about whittling.   For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthle...

Shaunak Godkhindi (Don't Tell Comedy) is our special guest!! Shaunak is on a date in his pajamas at Taco Bell, missing every single sign this girl is into him. Brittany is sick of being told she has bangs now, and Ali lashes out about a woman’s big feet. Memories of men putting lint on women, bird murmurs, and practicing agency. Follow Shaunak @shaunakg, and go see him at a show!!  For clips a...

Brittany gets ASMR from a Nick Cave concert, and sends a foreboding message to everyone she knows. Ali adds to her frog collection every time she gets sad,  and is convinced she’s developing a relationship with Cris Angel (mind freak). A mother expects everyone on the train to entertain her child. Memories of Ali’s Red Right Hand, the Bin Laden Song, and men with no object permanence.  For clips a...

Brittany’s brother makes her cry just by saying “GECKO.” Ali and her work friend switch shirts and are the only ones laughing about it. A woman accidentally sends a picture of her butt crack to her manager. Memories of James from Love On the Spectrum yawning, crooked phones, and Wendy Williams talking about “The Killer”. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardw...

Ali witnesses a man projectile vomit onto himself, and hooks up with the entire rugby team. Brittany’s brother regrets playing Pretty Pretty Princess and painting his toenails. A relationship is tested by a collection of porcelain clowns. Memories of Squiggies Gay Bar, ice cream trucks with beats, and Tony Braxton’s Unbreak My Heart.  For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @...

Ali and Brittany start two separate pods about fish and horses. Ali turns her room into an immersive fish tank experience. Brittany gets called “ISIS” by a man with a Trump impression. A monster cockroach frees himself from the toilet by climbing up a man’s shit. Memories of dogs being put down at Petco, Prince Ali Fabulous He, and shrimp writing term papers.  For clips and pics, follow the pod @w...

Ali accidentally flashes the UPS guy. Brittany’s serious conversation with her boyfriend gets interrupted by a brand new set of fake boobs. A woman severely misinterpret’s her gynecologist’s comments about her cat. Memories of Guys Talkin In Rooms, Bad Baby, and black hole documentaries.  For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate th...

We’ve got a special guest this week: it’s Lucas Connolly (Comedy Central)!! Lucas tries to lose his virginity through an elaborate craigslist ad, but loses an object inside himself instead. Brittany gets fooled into thinking some birds sound like babies and machine guns, and Ali’s aquarium obsession grows. Memories of Gillette vibrating razors for men, birds quoting Seinfeld, and the fear of holdi...

Ali craves the respect of a man who pisses his pants every day on Tik Tok, and gets swallowed by a snake. Brittany clogs the hotel toilet, pees her pants at a sleepover, and almost dies at the gesturing hands of her Uber driver. HR acuses one of its employees of eating animal remains. Memories of Brittany trying to be really angry, the McDonalds Triad, and sleeping inside whales.  For clips and pi...

Ali and her boyfriend get hit by a car on Valentine’s day and all they want is an apology. Brittany’s terrible childhood dog poops his way into the afterlife. Ali fears getting a DUI just for not knowing the alphabet backwards, and Brittany and her death metal boyfriend run from the cops for no reason at all. A listener saves his hamsters with CPR. Memories of pimple videos behind paywalls, bombin...

Gabby Jordan Brown (Two Nosy Meerkats pod) joins us!! Gabby does some bad Facebook detective work, fails to connect with a woman over a chicken photo, and has a front tooth missing for months. Ali’s high on J-train paint fumes, and Brittany has a pick up artist’s bad diagrams seared into her brain. Memories of the Kennedy family’s medical problems, Mary Poppins, and growing boobs.  Follow Gabby @h...

Brittany has a crush on the prettiest girl in school, and reminisces on the first time she saw a cow take a dump. Ali ruins Fridays for interns with her lava lamp, and cannot stop looking at restaurant stickers. A man gets whipped by the wings of a goose MMA fighter. Memories of impressing boys with Eminem lyrics, laptop dancing, and the bottoms of totem poles.  For clips and pics, follow the pod...

Ali stops being a vegetarian so that she’s free to become a vampire, and shares her new special interest in fish tanks. Brittany’s parents tricked her into thinking she might one day own a horse, a car, or even a chair. A woman’s hyper-religious parents stalk her Spotify to make sure she’s not listening to witch music. RAT NEWS: a parrot and dogs join a death metal band. Memories of our subpoena f...

Brittany goes to Monster Jam, and is beefing up to catch a predator. Ali gets scammed by two plumbers who are scared of her dog. A man eats 116 eggs and can no longer experience joy. Memories of nu metal poses, battle bots, and Peanut Butter and the Apple Jams Gang. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And check us ou...

Mike Brown (Comedy Central, PBS) is our special guest this week! Mike regrets begging for love, and eats his Snickers different. Ali riffs with her gynecologist and tests her boyfriend’s pap smear knowledge. Brittany keeps hiding body parts in her dreams. Memories of the Pringle crunch, crushing on Ryan Gosling, and men knowing nothing about their friends.  Follow Mike @yomikebrown!  For clips and...

Ali ceremoniously quits nicotine by clogging her toilet with her vape. Brittany puts her life in the hands of an ultrasound technician obsessed with numerology. A man drafts a novella about accidentally taking a dump on a tent. Memories of men lecturing women about WW1, exploding Gusher heads, and old cell phone tech . RAT NEWS: watch out! they’re popping bubbles and nesting in cars! For clips and...

We’re getting this friendship notarized!!! Brittany’s on the train getting flashed secret messages from a strange man, and getting rejected by the fire department for a cat rescue. Ali accidentally gets a goth Karen haircut, and talks to a man she respects about Phish. A man accidentally invites all the neighborhood cats to his rave. Memories of Birthday Guy #2, hotdog and hamburger style, and goi...

Carmen Lagala (Colbert, Don’t Tell) joins us! Carmen’s figuring out where she’s at on the Bristol stool chart, throwing up juice, and hitting on mascots. Ali cures her adult mono with Fun Dip and Jackass. Brittany tries way too hard to be accepted at Buffalo Exchange and Godfathers Pizza. Memories of public proposals, pledge of allegiance, and making-out hands. Follow Carmen @carmstagrams, and che...

Ali’s dad reprimands her for creating a straw-based religious stereotype. Brittany joins a terrorist group of boys from middle school math class. A man rips up his girlfriend’s hand-made blanket for attention. Memories of Nair, counting songs, and Pavlov’s gun (dog). Plus RAT NEWS: rat fights, rat shoes, and crime rats! For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwe...

Ali spends xmas shooting cans with pellet guns, and gifting piss bottles. Brittany’s dad is “reborn” after watching Wicked, and Ali’s dad tries to connect by wearing an apron with a pig on it. A man spends 21 years of his life believing it’s normal to have a “poop knife”. Memories of Brittany’s nephew already knowing everything, rambling prayers, and amateur hand modeling.  For clips and pics, fol...

Jake Silberman joins us!! Jake is flipping cop cars, comforting women on trains, and tracking dog shit into band class. Ali and Brittany finally grow out of their bad boy phase. Memories of the Evergreen Five, terrible exes, and crying in New York. Follow Jake @thecomedianjake and check out his special “Live In Portland” on Youtube! For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @br...

Brittany walks on eggshells at a Tokyo cat cafe with 1000 rules. Ali defends the Fighting Irish and gets invited to a dog birthday party. A man criticizes his girlfriend’s cooking via powerpoint, and then is dumped via powerpoint. Memories of washing elephants, YouTube parties, and men who smirk. This week’s RAT NEWS: we find out what a rat king ship captain would look like.  For clips and pics, f...

We accidentally manifest getting mugged by two teenagers, BIG TIME! Brittany falls in love with a game that lets her practice lying. Ali’s brother and boyfriend connect through songs about butts and piss. Memories of Toby Keith’s 911 song, protective siblings, and the Little Mermaid’s bra.  For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate...

Throwback ep!! Shane Torres (Conan, Comedy Central) joins us!! We turn into The Korn Pod. Shane is impressed by a bread-throwing child. Brittany tries to hatch chickens with blankets and cure cancer with snot. Ali’s impression of Brittany is Brittany’s impression of Ali. A man tries too hard to answer a “guess what” question and gets punished with reading assignments. Follow Shane @shanetorres, an...