Umpire Pants

This record was a real late boy! Bill is rocking the giant glasses, giant phone case look. Mary spins a confusing tale of sarsaparilla. Follow-up to Fair Talk, what should we enter in the State Fair? We get our first caller – listener Bruce has a deal for Mary! Mary can’t comprehend keeping Kleenex in the back window of a car. Car talk. Max the dog has neighborhood friends. Mary sent Kelley a weir...

Mary wants to start the show mid-argument, so let’s go! We’ve messed up Mother’s day with our vaccine schedules. We’re not saving Mary if she joins a cult. Ween update! Mary wants us to all enter something in the fair, and boy are we excited! Bill’s jaw pain is better! Kelley turns down a dinner date. Bill’s exciting for camping season, and we talk about car tents. Is Kelley having a midlife crisi...

It’s Episode Pants! Kelley got a vaccine appointment closer to home, so she’s not going the Super Mall. Why does Costco sell bear spray here? Mary has tales of self checkout. Good packaging alert – Crutchfield! Styrofoam cooler ban in Washington State and a possible cooler hack. Bill’s worried his UW sweatshirt is giving people the wrong idea. We have an exciting stair update guys! Ice Cream Truck...

It’s spring cleaning time, and Mary is throwing hers on the street. We’ve got some more vaccine appointments, folks, so we’re getting jacked for hugs. Bill goes scrappin’ and gets a new grill, what a dude! Remember Betty’s Burgers in Seattle? Excessive packaging is infuriating, and Bill reiterates that he’s a teriyaki whale who doesn’t like styrofoam. Pressure Cooker of the Week: Bluetooth headpho...

Kelley bleeps herself right off the bat today, rather than risk using an offensive term. (The video game Kelley referenced was Diablo III guys, but I’m sure you could tell from her description.) Do we need a weed tolerance break? Stair Update: 19! How do we feel about Hulk Hogan? We’re scared of him, okay? Mary has beef with Spotify and it’s causing multi-day fights in her household. Mary is back...

Did we start beef with Mr. Curtis James Jackson III? We’re pretty tired of wearing masks, but glad Bill doesn’t have to shave in the bathroom at work. Mary doesn’t think The Rock is handsome or charismatic! Mary tries to talk Bridgerton with people who don’t watch it. We talk way too long about a terrible dog grooming show. The Mariners Home Opener happened, and we remember an old classic from the...

Bill is back from camping. RIP Borracchini's Bakery. Mary has donut troubles. Suburban pickup drivers. We get a barefoot jeans wearing stair update. Is our dad a natural at meditating? Check out Crime Travel Podcast! Mary got into some trouble with regular (not light) beer. We have a new Oh Word segment: Why are doctors called quacks? Kelley has a very specific Seattle gripe involving the Pike Pla...

Bill’s away man camping, but we have listener Juniper here! We get right into it with a Pants Stance: still not great! Sloth puns. Spring is here! Mary’s been out on the town since she’s fully vaccinated. Mary’s old hobby of getting mad at restaurants is back. Dive bars. Mary made a weird cake, and even she isn’t sure why, but she had an interesting trip to a specialty store. Goldfish Update! The...

Bill is back! Kelley’s sound is up on her phone, but you can’t hear it so it doesn’t count! We have a weed store story. Bill talks about his liquid diet and self-oiling. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Styptic Pencils, try them instead of socks to stop the bleeding! Stair Update – not great. Pants Stance update, we’ve got a Pants Grant! There is no such thing as a free boat! We have an email from Her...

It’s a Mary and Kelley short boy today! Can Kelley do a Bill Clinton impression? Mary and Russ now how both vaccines! Mary bought a $15 shirt, but she still hates shopping. We get a good stair update. New month, new page from Mary’s Maxine calendar! We get a Pants Stance update – is Kelley’s quest to get Mary into some comfortable pants gaining any ground? Kelley has a Goldfish Plant update. Mary...

We are off to a rough start, tech-wise, but don’t worry, we have two laptops die during the recording of this one and still managed to get through it. Can Mary remember what she likes about Kelley? We get a Pants Stance update. What kind of hi-jinks deserve a rolling pin to the head, Andy Capp style? All the white guy podcasters are re-watching The Sopranos, and Bill’s tired of it. Ice Cream Truck...

Listener Vera is here! We discuss legal weed in Canada and try to figure out what’s up with the song Sugar Shack. Our audio gets totally out of whack, but that’s okay, Mary was just retelling a boot story (and I put it at the end so you can see the disaster unfold in real-time). Mary is getting her second vaccine this weekend, and it brings up the question, who does she visit first? Did we do anyt...

Bill got some homemade gnocchi and we talked about potatoes. We get a pants update from Mary. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Getting rid of old clothes and running into people you know. We recap the Superbowl, talk about commercials, and Bruce Springsteen vs. Larry the Cable Guy. We expand the Oh Word segment to quotes from books. Memories from Ross Dress for Less. Mary has a story about running int...

I’m releasing this early so you can speed-listen and get our Super Bowl predictions! We discuss the Super Bowl and food. Mary infuriates Kelley and Bill with her stance on hard pants when she needs to just wear a god damned track suit. Mary describes a hat. Kelley’s Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Cozecore Pants from Old Navy. What to do with a religious keepsake you don’t want? We predict the Super...

The rock tumbler update you’ve all been waiting for! Cutting our own hair during the pandemic. Bill had the ultimate bad start to the day. We brag about our state’s legal weed, again, and try to get a sponsorship going. Making an everyday activity your hobby. We get an impressive stair update! Guess what celebrities has Mary been compared to? Motivational speakers and cults. Kelley remembers a poo...

New week new president. Rock tumbler update. We talk about the pitch experiment and corpse flowers, even though we know no facts about either one. How many people die on donkey Grand Canyon tours every year? Taking Max to the beach results in classic stinker behavior. Seventies movies and the drive-in. Mary admits she was wrong! Jeopardy edition. What weird things are we missing these days? Thrift...

YOU GET A BONUS EP THIS WEEK! Recorded 1/8/21. Enjoy! Another weird week in our country (this was the coup week, guys). Is Trump similar to Jerry Jones, age 78? Bill has bad TMJ pain, and his soft food diet has him craving weird stuff. Mary’s stair update: 12. Kelley’s elevator was down, so she has a stair update too, and lots of rambling regarding elevators and new furniture. Bill has a Nextdoor...

We remember our late Great Aunt Mary Carroll. (Nate Bargatze Joke break.) Bill found an old man hobby: rock tumbling! Mary disparages beards. Mary received a mystery gift in the mail. Windstorm in Seattle. Bill’s neighbors with Ned Flanders. Mary and Kelley share some recipes. We get a good stair update! Bill has an old man Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Steam Mops. Mary wants to talk about commerci...

Well, to top of a pretty shitty week, Kelley did something monumentally stupid and lost the podcast file this week! The originals still exist, so don't despair, you'll hear it one day when Kelley can stand to re-do all the work. So that you don't worry too much, we're re-releasing this classic from one year ago. If you're sad there isn't a new Ep, tell one friend about our show, and we'll see you...

Skiing and scuba diving in the PNW. New Year’s Eve in Seattle. Mary is doing Dry January, and she already regrets it (and we recorded in December). Stair update. Mary had to take Simon to the vet (WARNING: we make distressed cat noises here!). We talk about eggs for awhile. Mary still argues it’s no big deal to drink while driving. I seem to have spaced out taking notes, once again…Kelley has that...

The first day of winter was a doozy in the Seattle area. We remember a weird antique store with a creepy doll room. Getting lost driving. Mary is going to try Dry January. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: The John Carpenter Movie They Live. Mary is setting up a hummingbird fight club, and thinks cats will burn to death if you don’t prevent it. King of the Dudes! Mary got a Rant and Rave published in t...

Well, Kelley sounds like shit in the first half, sorry about that. But Sherrie is here! We try to explain why we are more than just neighbors and friends. We hear what it’s like to have little kids during the pandemic. Stair update from Mary. We bet on how old camels live for some reason. Can we talk Sherrie into buying a Santa Toilet seat cover? The important thing is that we talk about Toilet Sa...

and some other follow-ups. If Bill could time travel he’d take Mountain Dew back in time. Toilet Santa update. Shit List of the Week: Toilet Santas. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Black Santas. An Arlo Guthrie update and Woodstock talk. We try to help Mary turn the sound down on her cell phone, to great results. Rant and Rave’s from the Seattle Times. Mary claims the dog doesn’t die in Marley and Me...

Mary reveals some legends she’s seen in concert but never mentioned to us before. We have that Towering Inferno update you’ve been waiting for. Mary watched Diehard. Mary thinks we need a vaccine heist movie. Sammy Davis Junior comes up twice today. Mary has a short person hack for everyone, and Kelley disappears. Mary has a story about good Samaritans working together in Seattle. Ice Cream Truck...

How did Thanksgiving go? Well, Max got a special dinner! Mary is into the show Longmire. Bill had his traditional Black Friday movie fest. It’s Christmas now, and more people are getting real trees. Should Mary annoy people with her cowbell to promote Umpire Pants? Bringing pig guts to the legislature in Taiwan. Trumps tiny desk photo has us all questioning reality. A brief update on Jeopardy! Sta...