Umpire Pants

The crew is all here, and Bill has a kerosene update. Bill went to a cabin and couldn’t figure out how to make coffee. We have a major update on a recent hint! We talk about shoes and clothes. Mary wants to know what we’d hoard, but we’re confused by her question. Trying unusual foods. Ice cream treats. The Gambler movie. Mary has taken up a new hobby – disc golf! Recipes from First Graders! Has K...

It’s our spooky special Halloween episode! Kelley has a Halloween soundboard, so get ready for mis-timed spooky sounds! We talk about our favorite and least favorite Halloween candies, best costumes we’ve worn, and the last time we went trick-or-treating. Favorite scary movies. Mary’s childhood Texas Halloweens. Bill talks about some memorable Halloween parties. MARY MADE US REMOVE THE BREAK SONG...

It’s a Kelley and Mary episode. Bill will be back next week, and we’re looking for Halloween callers, so let us know if you’re available! Mary’s had another run-in with super glue and we discuss solutions. King Kong Vs. Donkey Kong – Kelley got them confused for a moment. We get into people that Mary gets confused with other people. Buying pumpkin pies. Mary tried disc golf, and she has some pract...

Mary and Kelley will be back next week, and Bill will be back someday, but until then, enjoy this classic Halloween episode Ep! It's our Halloween episode, Bill got a sound board, Mary doesn't like Halloween, yo-yo routine scarecrow, Mary gets a phone call, turds, people not liking you, parties, bobbing for apples, costumes, Blues Brothers, gypsy (roma), wizard, princess, topical costumes, clown,...

We’re doing a short boy, and guys, we can’t help but bring Gumby right away. Bill found a five leaf clover. Mary hates everything, but a weed White Elephant is a good idea. Mary tried a new method to keep her cats off the counter. Mary pretends to not understand the concept of recycled fleece. We should bring back Redmond’s Heritage festival but make it a more inclusive cultural fesitval. Recipes...

We’re back in person, and Bill is worse than ever. Best American rock band? I think we’re sticking with CCR. The Space Force revealed their uniforms. Mary thought she found a perfect watch, but it turns out it’s more corporate than she thought. More Jeopardy talk, the host saga continues. Mary is searching for new furniture and we’re all trying to de-clutter since we’re still at home all the time....

Bill is out with TMJ issues, but his testicles are also HUGE. Our dad Russel is here to tell a story of how he “almost” got in a fight. Mary’s Shit List of the Week: Modern Family is no longer on nightly. Mary found a wallet. Remember how bad your feet hurt as a kid? Mary has a bagel story (the story is mostly that she mean to the bagel guy). Get your FLU SHOTS folks! Kelley is really into Giant V...

We come in hot and sloppy with this remote recording! Mary’s edibles got ruined by humidity. Oh Word! We talk about misunderstandings resulting from figuring things out when you’re thrown into another culture. Bill went to Megadeath. Mary didn’t listen to our podcast even though she was on an airplane for 10 hours this week, so we’ll talk about the best American band next week. Mary is mad someone...

Mary is still in Costa Rica, but she’ll be back soon. Right off the bat, Kelley can’t pretend they aren’t recording two in a row. Do we even want to go to NFL games this year? Bill argues for CCR as the best American rock band, Kelley never put it together that Center Field was John Fogerty. Bill is going to Megadeath. Tell people when you like their stuff, and be quiet when you don’t. Ice Cream T...

Kelley and Bill are together and Mary calls in for the second half. Bill wants more carved watermelons. The cat is fine days later, folks, but we do find out live on the air that Lima got a double dose of pills the day we recorded – and I was too lazy to edit it out! Bill goes to the doctor and gets typical doctor advice. Walking the dog. This is a Gumbo Podcast now. Kelley gets confused coming ba...

Bill is here by phone this week. Podcast recommendation: Crime Travels. We don’t know how to launder money, but we’ll figure it out. We need to come up with a family scam. The USA is like a carnival midway. Bill has another timely review - Pinocchio, the movie and the book. Mary is the Queen of Rant and Rave. Mary had a call with a very serious King County employee. We falsely accuse Mary of sayin...

It’s another 2/3 Episode, y’all, Bill is out, but old steady Kelley is here! We’ve had a hot smoky week, and being stuck inside for just a few days has gotten to us! Kelley gives two sides to getting unsolicited comments from strangers. We get distracted by bees on the 11th floor balcony. Is a clusterfuck like an orgy, and did our grandma participate? Mary takes the critic’s side, on this week’s R...

We’re live on scene camping this week and the crows are yelling, folks! Mary isn’t here, but we have a segment from her. Bill’s piss-toe is back, baybee! Camping without a fire and cooking while camping. We play Seattle Times Rant and Rave – which one did Mary write? What is your camping treat? Email us! Growing up with a toy store in the family. Bold chipmunks and weird stuff in your shoes. It wa...

This is the second of a double header, and it shows! Bill has MORE than three reasons he likes Kelley. Mary made muffins with real sugar and it’s the talk of the town. Should Bill get a fancy Seth Rogan gravity bong? Yes, listeners, he should. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Roshomon. Mary declares if certain movies are considered Movies or Films…and her definition of a film is interesting! Bill thin...

We’re back together, and we have a new table! Mary took a re-con mission to Skippers, and didn’t really elaborate on that story. Mary has been volunteering. Bill is officially endorsing Popeye’s Chicken. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Dolly Parton. Please listen to Cash on the Barrelhead on the break today. What does your husband prefer you wear? Chef Boyardee Lasagna? Let’s make Bill try it. Mary h...

I didn’t pick a title this week, gosh darn-it, I forgot! But I’m not re-listening to find one, so you’ll have to survive with my half-hearted Oops All Berries reference, but I assure you, you’ll be fine. XOXO -Kelley It’s a Mary and Kelley Ep, but Bill will call in for a bit in the second half. We are announcing Medium Boy Summer, our episodes are going to be 45 minutes until the weather gets bad...

We’ve taken our new equipment on the road! This episode was recording outside during a family camping trip, and we took advantage of our situation and smoked a joint, so don’t get your hopes up on content. Kelley tells the tale getting trapped in a parking garage with Herman. Mary proposes a top-ten drinking episode compilation. Bill watched the Towering Inferno, so he has a timely review! Second...

Mary went to Portland, and Kelley and Bill decided to record remotely. The only problem was, Kelley couldn't find a decent headset, and the recording sounded too terrible to release. So please enjoy this trip down memory lane, with Episode 148 from one year ago this week.

It’s Episode 200, and we discuss our Skippers plan! Elivira was in the Groundlings. Kelley’s an old lady now. The robots probably won’t take our jobs if we demand living wages. Mary has a new term for Man Caves: Bro Hole. Mary is judging your couch. We do a taste test of corn muffins. Reviews from a Skippers. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Wikipedia page for the Polari language. Is James Beard named...

Mary brought three reasons she likes Bill! And Kelley is still unclear about what #1 is. Kelley has three reasons she likes Bill too, but it’s not as fun because she was hoping Mary would forget and look bad. Pizza talk with Doug and Jim! Assless Chaps Update. Mary has a Pants Stance, and no surprises here, she’s being a pain in the ass about it. Mary returned some stuff for Kelley. We share stori...

We’re back in person, and getting a cat update, live with Emmet and Cisco! Producer Felix is here to check up on up. Getting up early and late sunny nights. Is Bill the most cantankerous one in Harbor Freight? Is Kelley the older sibling now? Bill is back on his old man bullshit, and refurbishing his Weber grill. Bill brings a sincere list of reasons he likes Mary this week, did she do the same, a...

Well, we tried, we failed, we learned nothing along the way, and we are still mad at each other. Enjoy this weeks-long journey through the pandemic, where Mary refuses to join the herd and wear comfortable pants, Kelley desperately tries to convince her to, and Bill is just sort of amused by how it all plays out.

Umpire Pants is fully vaccinated and back in person! Our dad knows what’s up with pants, even though out mom ever figured it out during the pandemic. Mary still can’t think of three reasons she likes Bill. Mary has some money saving tips. Mary is annoyed by her new cats, and we talk about cats for a bit too long. The Mariners are terrible, and have been forever, and Bill wants to talk about it. Oh...

Kelley’s keeping Bill on his toes with false-starts today. Big news! Mary got new cats! And they’ve got some seriously Seattle names. New tattoos. We’re recording in person next week you guys!!! We have some minor tech issues, but carry on. Volcano talk and Twitter weirdos. Oh Word! Which regional term do you use? More pet talk, but it’s hose weather, so give us a break. Bill’s song pick of the we...

Mary wants to apologize about last week’s show. Mary and Bill are intermittent fasting and it’s going pretty well. Kelley completed an 8-week dumbbell workout, and recommends trying it if you’re interested. People are acting like idiots and causing a gas shortage. Is Mary being reckless, with her headphones in, walking downtown? Mary tried to give Kelley cabbage instead of cauliflower, and boy was...