Umpire Pants

Sorry for the re-run, folks! We'll be back soon with fresh new episodes, but enjoy this one from a year ago this week!

Was it a good idea to record at 11:30pm in a hotel room in Gresham, Oregon? No! Did we redeem ourselves by recording at 10:00am the next day? Not really! We’re recording on Easter, and generally have good holidays in our family. Shout out to our youngest listener, and a quick chat about kids books. We discuss our food choices over the weekend. Please visit WOOD VILLAGE BURRITO SHOP if you’re ever...

We’re not sure what the DJ truck is all about, but it’s back and we love it. Bill’s an old man yelling at guys in parking lots. Rock tumbling update. Kelley’s bad a domestic stuff, but she found some sunglasses that can stand up to her funny business. You can watch full Letterman eps on Youtube. Mary claims she invented roasted asparagus. We have a bit of PeeWee Herman talk. We’re right on time ta...

We’re in person again! But Bill is grumpy because there was no parking in Seattle. We explain what a bell-end is to our mom, using hand drawn pictures. Mary has a foot injury and a dubious home remedy. Mary is furious at another server. Bill’s gout corner. Nextdoor update and unfounded fear. Kelley had an offseason Seafair Pirate sighting. We contemplate the 24 Hours of Lemons race. Kelley steals...

Episode 236: I Don’t Let Furnace Guys Touch my Furnace by Umpire Pants

Bill’s calling in from the Podcast Shed, but he’s fresh of a Sparks show and feeling good. Kelley and Mary are about to go to Jackie Kashian at the Crocodile. The podcast gets interrupted by a mouse, so Kelley disappears for a minute, but what an opportunity to tell some mouse stories! Rant and Rave – Can we guess the one Mary wrote? As always, yes we can. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Tulips! Rest...

We’re off to a great start, with no sound check, but we’re all together! Mary and Bill went to Nate Bargatze at the Moore, and it was great, but the crowd was a bit belligerent. Mary has a dead mouse situation. Bill has a theory that no one is very smart. We have a roundabout conversation about Cheaper by the Dozen and do a Reader’s Digest quiz. Kelley’s Hint List! Eliminate colored bulbs for ener...

Kelley and Mary are on a girl’s trip, and we have Bill on the phone! We reminisce about Mary breaking her collarbone last time she visited Orcas Island. Mary wants recordings of her favorite farts, or something? Bill is a little further into the Avengers, and he can’t even commit to finishing, unless they change the animation style to “Roger Rabbit.” The trend of dark movies and shows. Does Mary e...

Sorry for the super late release, this week, folks! But we have a super special show for you, the long awaited Who's on First episode! Bill and Kelley try reading the bit made famous by Abbott and Costello. Then Kelley and Mary give it a go, and pull an amazing mid-script switcharoo! Enjoy! Umpire Pants Out!

We’re live in person, and using Bill’s creaky table! We recap our Super Bowl party. Has the Random Restaurant bot Twitter account make you want to visit anywhere? What do Recycle Bitch and Sugar Tits have in common? Bill watched Bullitt. Max gets antsy so we take an early break. The French Connection also has a car chase scene. Mary’s mad at a podcast she hasn’t even listened to you yet. Are we go...

We recorded this before the Superbowl, but Bill’s prediction that Kelley didn’t understand was dead on. Update on Douglas, the Squirrel. What do the movies Never Cry Wolf and Doc Hollywood have in common? Who remembers Dudley Moore? Mary has a controversial Rant and Rave printed in the paper. Mary’s Red Robin penny scheme. Finding lost objects. Should our family invent a birthday song? Kelley’s Hi...

YOU GUYS, WE ARE STILL DOING THE PODCAST, WE'RE JUST STRUGGLING THROUGH FEBRUARY. WE'LL SEE YOU SOON BECAUSE WE LOVE OUR NUTBALLS!!! XOXO KELLEY AND THE GANG The rock tumbler update you’ve all been waiting for! Cutting our own hair during the pandemic. Bill had the ultimate bad start to the day. We brag about our state’s legal weed, again, and try to get a sponsorship going. Making an everyday act...

Bill is gone, Mary is hungry and hung-over, and I’m not going to lie, this one is a shit show. Felix is here, though! Mary went out howling last night, even though she’s doing dry January. We get back on track with Rant and Raves. There is playoff football on, so Mary is distracted. School update from Felix. Ramen talk. Mary has a message just for Christy! Listen up! Kelley’s Hint List! How to rev...

It’s a Mary and Kelley Ep, because Bill has COVID-19. Sorry about that, but we’ll be back on track someday. Not next week, though, Bill is out again then, but seriously, someday! The delight of a sunny day in the middle of a rainy January. Mary is taking a new jewelry class, and, not to brag, she hasn’t even glued her fingers together yet! We try to talk about Meatloaf, the singer, but we don’t ha...

I explain why this is being released late (but not why it’s still a day late, give me a break). Pandemic isn’t going great, folks, and Covid-19 has finally hit our family. Weather report: bong breaking cold. We wonder why you’d do yoga outside this time of year. We share dumb things we wrote down this week, brighter lights, jack in the boxes, and connecting the dots on detective shows. Cool dudes...

***I found the SD card! Yes, me, Kelley, not my husband at all, it was me! Enjoy this now outdated episode, everyone.*** It’s episode 227 and we’re hoping you fondly remember the TV show, and it rubs off on our podcast. Bill is making fondue for New Year’s, but he’s resisting the idea of adding baked beans for some reason. Mary assumes we know what a corm is, and boy is she wrong. Mary loves to ma...

HEY SO I LOST THE SD CARD THIS WEEK'S EP IS SAVED ON. I'M CONVINCED IT'S IN MY APARTMENT STILL, BUT I'M ALREADY A DAY LATE POSTING, SO ENJOY THIS RETRO EPISODE FROM ABOUT A YEAR AGO. XOXO - KELLEY The first day of winter was a doozy in the Seattle area. We remember a weird antique store with a creepy doll room. Getting lost driving. Mary is going to try Dry January. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Th...

It's the holidays, and we kind of just got off track this week, so you're getting a re-run, but don't fret, it's a good one! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! XOXOXO Well, we tried, we failed, we learned nothing along the way, and we are still mad at each other. Enjoy this weeks long journey through the pandemic, where Mary refuses to join the herd and wear comfortable pants, Kelley desperately tries to convince...

Bill calls in for a short boy on a Sunday! Gathering with family as a new Covid variant emerges. Kelley and Mary are doing Christmas shit. The cats are in charge in our households. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Making Crunchwraps at home! Reviews of Cooking Recipes! But first, Bill reviews Casa Blanca, because Mary can’t find her review. We hear about a corn bread stuffing recipe, and how to deal w...

It’s a late record, it’s a short boy, and we’re off to a great start. Bill and Mary can’t handle dirty dishes anymore. Do we need to do a welfare check on Jay Leno? We have a short chat about Christmas music, and Mary claims to know something about inflation. Bill reveals he was dying for Underoos as a kid. We’re all boosted up – get vaccinated folks! Kelley wants to brag about donating blood and...

The gang’s back together, but Kelley didn’t hit record, like a dipshit, so we try to recap what we lost. The Arches of Science are giving us Kraken spoilers. We’re excited Impossible burgers are available at the new stadium! Mary wants you to stop the show and tell a friend to listen. Bill is going to distribute his famous Chocolate Pie recipe. Should we be recording all our kid’s performances? Ke...

Bill calls in from the Podcast Shed on this Black Friday record! We recap Thanksgiving and Bill has a forest creature pop in. How did our chocolate pie tradition start? What movies are we watching this weekend? CSI Miami talk. Sir Mix-a-Lot was at the Westlake tree lighting, but it was still pretty boring. We come back from the break without Bill and Kelley makes Mary defend her sweet potatoes fro...

Sorry for the late release, folks! We’re kicking off the holiday week with another short and sloppy boy! Non-listener Meaghan joins Kelley and fits right in with an Ernst reference before we even hit record. We chat about the Kraken theme song by Aaron Jones that gets played before games, and then discover the Mariners have an odd official theme, but it has nothing on the Orlando Magic’s song that...

We come out slow and sloppy with an electricity joke. BLACK STALLION SPOILERS are a potential here, because Mary is getting the Black Stallion from the library, and has Nate Bargatze tickets coming up, so she’s got things to look forward to! What movies are better than the books they’re based on? Bill says Jaws and The Godfather. Mary regrets reading Lord of the Rings. Superman talk. Mary got more...

Surprise intro! Mary’s coming in hot, but in denial about it. We discuss Aaron Roger’s dipshit interview. Bill brags about reaching stuff off the top shelf for strangers, and Mary reminds us of her short-legged life hack for that very situation. Mary has adopted a street, but gets mad at us and barely finishes telling us about it. Bill confesses he has a gas leaf blower. Bill has some old guy musi...