Umpire Pants

Noice! We’re doing a Thanksgiving Ep and cousins Christy and Danielle are back! We talk about Thanksgiving food and memories. Alice’s Restaurant. Fruitcake. What are we all making this year? And where do rolls come into play for everyone? The joy of leftovers. The origin of chocolate pie becoming a holiday tradition for us. Peak fruit salad. Our ongoing quest to get our dad to try weed again. We g...

Bill starts the show with a hypothetical about quarterback Russell Wilson, and Kelley is shocked to learn English muffins are in two places at their local grocery stores. Giving medicine to a cat vs. a dog. Mary is not afraid of germs. We talk about the election some more, but not too much. Kelley’s Ice Cream Truck of the Week: The TV show Greenleaf. PSA – Please don’t travel for Thanksgiving, guy...

We recorded this on Friday, before the election was called, and it was a long fuckin’ week, guys. We try to keep the election talk brief. We talk about what we did for Halloween. Bill recommends Inside Man, the heist movie, and discusses Shaun of the Dead, and Hocus Pocus. We get another stair update from Mary. Mary renames Bill. For some reason she can’t explain, Mary watched Hubie Halloween. Mar...

Alright, guys, if you haven’t voted yet you know you have to drop your ballot at a dropbox, right? Do that, then you can listen to our anxiety filled pre-election episode, okay? Mary watched the Borat movie. Sorry for the Halloween talk after Halloween, but Bill wants to warn you about edibles. Shawn Kemp opened a weed store in Seattle. Bill declares: Gumby Rules! Bill is still trying to turn this...

Bill is sick, so Kelley and Mary are doing a short boy. Do people like Trump’s dancing? We got our flu shots and that leads to Gumby talk. Turns out Mary really hates Gumby. Kelley was impressed with the Covid test process in Seattle. Last week’s story about Mary’s fridge reminded us we need fire extinguishers. Mary has a stair update. Kelley names all of her houseplants and accepts a challenge fr...

Mary has written 300 letters and is weirdly pissed that we’re not more congratulatory. Car battery update. We get pretty local talking Sasquatch and the Wheedle. Mary had a frightening event last week, but she recovered with some banana cake. Stair update: Mary figured out how to set an alarm. Bill tells a story about Mary’s problem solving skills, and our family’s history with shitty cars. Kelley...

This one’s a shit-show from start to finish, and we apologize, but it’s been a long week, guys. Mary’s audio improves after the second half. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Kelley saw a baby mouse. What does Mary DO all day? Who is eating on mic?!? Errant text messages. Mary had some juniper flavored poison. We make future plans for Madlibs and Kelley explains an adverb. You can teach cats things. St...

Trump has Covid-19 and we’re not gonna lie, we think it’s funny as fuck. But don’t forget Melania was just on tape saying Fuck Christmas, and that got us to speculate what she considers hard work. Bill is destroying a piano. Max Update: Good Boy. Shout-out to the Seattle Storm. Football without crowds. Tune in to a future episode for the exciting conclusion of Bill’s New Mouth-guard and Mary’s New...

Bill is living the shed life, falling down and hanging out with raccoons. Calm your tits on MSG. Mary has a game-changer for your granola. Mary called the prayer line! America’s fucked up medical system. We get a very confusing stair update from Mary. Commercials these days are very home-oriented. We have a quick fast food burger chat. We’re doing a White Men Can’t Jump podcast, guys. Bill’s conti...

The smoke has finally cleared in Seattle and Bill watched Top Gun. Tom Cruz talk. We have an update on the sandwich board across the street that we didn’t understand. Shit List of the Week: Foot injuries and Ken Jennings. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Watermelon and Milk Popsicles and using herbs with fruit pies. Herman’s back for his final appearance of A Question for Mary and we follow up on idio...

Wildfire smoke has engulfed the entire west coast. Vegas and Disneyworld. We speculate on train brakes instead of looking it up. Mary apologizes to all and sundry. We ponder the meaning of a sandwich board at a restaurant. Bill sees some ridiculous Next Door meddling. Bill has a follow up on the round bank window. We talk about old cars and wrecks. (Herman’s) Question for Mary! Herman asks Mary to...

Bill’s plan for sleeping on the podcast shed floor and pets waking you up. School has started online, and everyone’s figuring it out still, but we can all agree the federal response sucks. A mysterious round window in Redmond. Rocks that spark when you rub them together. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Defaced Trump/Pence signs. Herman’s back! And he has a two-part question for Mary. We read some rec...

Mary starts off hot by hanging up on the recording. Bill brags about seeing the Ramones. Mary reiterates her hate of Heart. Should we adopt a highway? And is Less Piss More Jugs a good slogan? Follow up on the fake lox cream cheese. Kelley shares a book her second grade class made. Ice Cream Trucks of the Week: Bambi, Mango Pizza and Pickles. The Slow and Low Boys. We read some recipes written by...

My computer installed updates and restarted last night, and I lost all my work, so enjoy this minimally edited edition of Umpire Pants! Is Mary ending the show today? Mary takes issue with her recording nickname but can’t explain why. Bill’s watching old shows. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Corny Local TV Stuff. Local radio and fake bits. Mary was happy with the DNC. Bill’s washing machine has an e...

We’re a Sammy Hagar podcast now. Mary’s working on a new craft project since she can’t go to bars this winter. Mary’s vegan cream cheese problem – it’s the Shit List of the Week! An onion recall leads us to a great onion scam. Seatbelt laws and wearing a seatbelt vs. getting “thrown clear” from your car. Herman’s back to ask Mary a question – can she beat the clock? We enter into a very confusing...

Bill went camping, and got fancy with his campfire cooking. Bill floats a camping hotdog contest at midnight. Mary started off grumpy, can we cheer her up? Mary’s Sierra Club letter campaign gaff. We’re quitting Facebook again. Mary tries to say Okefenokee swamp. Kids rhymes and how they spread across the nation. We talk Rumpelstiltskin and Fairytale Theater (Kelley was wrong about the moral part)...

We start out hot with politics talk, but it doesn’t last long. Mary was featured in an email newsletter! Shout out to TBTL. This is an eggs Benedict podcast now. Are we doing a Jaws Podcast Podcast, or what? Mary’s stair update. What can you use old cooking oil for? Kelley bought a weird dress. Flour sacks and drywall designs. Mary was in a focus group. Herman joins us for a new segment! (Henny Yo...

Sorry for the late upload this week, guys! It’s just Mary and Bill to start the show. Mary’s volunteer Zoom call has her worked up. (I leave the typing in because it’s so cartoonish.) Mary’s brunch recipe. Indoor dining and going to the dentist during COVID-19. The Seattle Metropolitans won during the Spanish Flue pandemic. Kelley joins just in time for hockey talk. We welcome the Kraken to Seattl...

Cousin Danielle is here! Happy Birthday to our dad. It’s Episode 151 so we share our 151 Rum stories. Bill finally saw a bear. Outdoor movies during COVID-19. Bill’s a camping dirt-bag, but is he a thief? Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Kanye dropped out, and Kelley has a new ice cream cone treat. (Woah, I forgot to take notes for awhile!) We ask our guest some questions! We use the same ones as last...

Cousin Christy is back! Bill’s camping. Cast iron talk. Kelley’s awkward elevator exchange leads to a stair challenge. We get into some ear hair talk, and Mary loves it! Rapid spread of conspiracies these days. Are we into Martha Stewart? Kelley has a great idea for Mary’s Sierra Club letters she’s writing. Shitlist of the Week: Kanye running for president. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Good kids d...

Our cousin Christy is here! Bill has a dump follow-up. Mary has been married 50 Years!!! Tune in for her marriage tips! We fantasize about a huge post-pandemic party. Kelley’s unsafe walk story. Mary’s insurance company wants to come assess her and she’s fuming. We ask our guest some pre-written questions: Favorite Golden Girl? What one food would you eat for a month straight? What was the last pr...

We try to force an episode title. Insane Clown Posse talk returns. Portable music players and tapes. We’re watching Problem Child 2 as a family. We have nothing to talk about because we’re still not doing anything. Wear your god damn masks! Bill is going to learn to do a cartwheel. We declare ships in bottles to be “stupid.” Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Indomie Ramen. Creepy comedians. Mary has a...

It’s Party Time. Kelley set off a fire alarm? Father’s Day. Living in weird times. Shou-tout to ICP and Guy Fieri. We, as a nation, should have an extended holiday break in the summer. Reality TV. We’re taking submissions for guests! Email us if you’d like to call in. Kelley’s banking adventures. Mary has random words pop into her head. Jello-Cupcakes. Fast food prices. Mary’s weird food and fork...

Kelley’s cupcake debacle starts the show late and throws off Bill’s intro. Follow-up file: The fire alarm last week was beeping every 30 seconds, for the record. Songs featuring our names (Bill wins this round). Mary watches Mad Dogs now and recommends Trumbo. Bill recommends Top of the Lake and teases Starship Troopers. Describing directions in a confusing way. Are your sheets in style? Ice Cream...

Bill poops at parks? Bill cuts out again. Bill watched some good Studio Ghibli movies for Felix’s birthday. Some food updates and Kelley’s Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Pumpkin Oatmeal. Mary is drinking golden crisp carbs. More movie recaps. Bill watched Taxi and we agree we love Tony Danza. Mary has a new list of things she doesn’t want to hear us say anymore. Mary gets dangerously close to talkin...