Trauma Free Relationship

Join us in this episode where we explore a new tool for couples by learning to use present process reflection. This tool allows the couple to bring into fucus what is happening in the interaction in the present moment. Couples usually get bogged down in the words they are saying to one another and end up stuck in patterns of communication that go no where. By using this technique, it allows the co...

Join us in this episode where we talk about how to have difficult conversations, not only with your partner, but with anyone. This is an essential life skills, being able to discuss something emotional with someone else, whether that is a colleague, a friend, or your spouse, learning to have healthy and productive difficult conversations can go a long way in helping you navigate your world. Not on...

In this episode we discuss the hard to reach places that we hold inside ourselves that causes such difficulties. Those raw scars that we feel about ourselves and usually never show to anyone. What if those places get triggered in our interactions with our partner? How do we open ourselves up to get a response from our partner that can have a healing effect on our past traumas. I provide a case exa...

In this episode, we discuss what it means to "work" on yourself. This is something I hear a lot from couples and individuals. Sometimes this means the couples wants to take a break so they can "work" on themselves. We discuss the pros and cons of doing so. We also discuss what the actual "work" is that is working on oneself, and answer the questions, can oneself be wo...

Join us in this episode where we decode whether your partner is a narcissist. We tease apart the clinical definition of narcissism from someone who has a more fragile sense of self that resembles narcissism in a relationship. This episode is not a diagnosis, but rather a way of looking at how you experience your partner's behaviors that may resemble narcissism from their actual needs they are...

Join us in this episode as I reflect on 23 years of marriage. I will discuss 7 lessons learned that I think applies to all relationships and why they are so important. You don't want to miss this highly personal and reflective episode on a couples therapist own relationship! Download our FREE couples workbook: https://www.traumafreerelationship.com/pl/2147999609 Need additional help! Sign up f...

Join us in this episode where we talk about pursue/pursue cycles. These cycles are created when both partners have an anxious attachment style. When disconnection or ruptures occur in the relationship, both partners can clash like a fiery volcano, then quickly go dormant until it erupts again. Underneath the emotional explosions are two people who desperately want to feel secure in their relations...

Join us in this episode when we learn 25 repair statements for the insecurely attached. We break down repair statements for the avoidant and anxious attachment styles in order to provide scripted phrases that can be used either in the moment of a rupture, or to calm back and repair after a rupture. These statements can be mixed and match depending on the context and can be used by anyone who wants...

Join us in this episode where we talk about the important of validation and how it makes each partner feel more alive. Our identity is supported and sustained through our partner being able to understand our internal experience. Without validation we feel like we are suffocating. But when our partner can validate who we are, how we see the world, and possesses a deep knowledge of the context in wh...

Join us in this episode where we learn how to get to the root of the problem during ruptures. Most couples get stuck because they can't get to the core of what the conflict is about - which is usually about a old wound being triggered. Being able to recognize an old wound and the unmet need helps the couple communicate better and make faster repairs. We walk through an exercise that helps each...

Join us in this episode where we discuss one of the best tools for repairing ruptures: second level communication. When ruptures occur in relationships, the couples wants to get back to a place of connection, but often struggle to know how. We discuss what keeps them stuck, the need for validation, and most importantly the purpose behind second level communication. We break it down and provide exa...

Join us in this episode where we discussed what happens when partners get stuck in different perspectives - or what I can systems of meaning. We all have subjective meanings that we draw from our experiences that shape our identity. So what happens when each partner is trying to be deeply understood by the other, but to no avail. We outline 3 ways to break out of our system of meaning and provide...

In this episode we discuss being allergic to an emotion. Emotional allergies are learned in our family of origin and often taught not verbally, but rather through actions that communicate meanings around one or more unacceptable emotions. We provide examples on emotional allergies in our clinical work, as well as personal life, and we discuss how this shows up in our relationships. We also discuss...

Join us in this episode as we discuss what happens when both partners have an avoidant attachment style. When ruptures occur, the avoidant styles create withdraw/withdraw cycles that can come to dominant the relationship, but not in a fiery way like other cycles. Withdraw/withdraw cycles create an icy coldness where neither partners knows how to feel safe enough to engaged, and neither partner wan...

Join us in this episode as we explore the nature of the rupture repair cycle. We unpack the what it is, discuss why it is so important in the life of the couple, and the different ways insecurely attachment partners try to make repairs that often miss the mark. We also discuss what effective repairs look like and provide examples from the couch as well as metaphors to bring this concept alive. Dow...

In this episode we discuss the 3 steps in creating couple goals. No organization in the world goes into the next year and just wings it. So why should we as a couple not set goals as well. Discover how to: 1. Create core values as a couple 2. Consider different types of goals 3. Create your plan together By creating goals it gives the couple something to work towards together, strengthening them a...

This is the # 1 issues couples have, and most often come to therapy for. If past trauma has formed an insecure style of attachment (meaning they organize their relational needs around anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment), and their partner is organized differently, then this sets up a push and pull style of relating to one another, or what we can a pursue/withdraw cycle. We unpack this i...

In this episode we discuss how to recognize attachment needs. Recognizing attachment needs and longings is not a mystery. We don’t have to peel back layers of trauma and dive deep into the psyche to understand what our attachment longings are. Recognizing our attachment needs and longings, means we first have to be in touch with our vulnerability – the wound or pain associated with the need. And s...

Couples that grow together and learn to deescalate their cycles learn how to protect one another's vulnerabilities. A vulnerability is a wound or past trauma that leaves the survivor susceptible to further hurt and emotional pain. In this episode we discuss ways to protect your partner's vulnerabilities. This is crucial to a establishing a secure relationship, but is not always easy to ach...

In this episode we discuss ways to build trust after trauma. This could be trauma sustained before the current relationship, or trauma in your current relationship. Either way, learning to rebuild trust is vital to feeling safe and connected with your partner. Lack of trust means you are always vigilant to being hurt and potentially always using your protective strategies to keep you safe. Without...

In this episode we discuss the three ways couples grow together. This is not a list of activities or skills couples try to achieve with one another, but rather a natural process that exists within all relationships. In this episode listeners will learn the following: How to attune to one another How to get through intense emotional moments And how to repair ruptures in the relationship These three...

In this episode we discuss how to cultivate gratitude as a daily exercise. We begin by walking through a gratitude exercise that stimulates the body in its response. Then we proceed to lay the ground work for 10 ways to cultivate gratitude: Keeping a gratitude journal Practicing mindfulness Saying thank you Engage in random acts of kindness Challenge your negative thoughts Celebrate your accomplis...

In this episode we explore the idea of brokenness. Often through trauma many people will fee a deep sense not being good enough, being defective, or "bad." Shame is often at the root of this problem and so we explore the what shame looks like in the individual as well as the relationship. In addition we trace shame back to its developmental roots in the attachment relationship with the c...

In this episode we discuss how to navigate the holidays, which can be retraumatizing for many, with compassion and self-care. We discuss specific tools and techniques can that be used in the event of being triggered, as well as how to set boundaries. Furthermore, we explore: How to communicate boundaries and plan for pushback Creating new traditions And how to reach out to support networks. In thi...

In this episode we discuss internal working models. IWMs, are the templates we hold that shape our expectations of ourselves and our partners. The working models are formed in early childhood from our attachment caregivers and then play out unconsciously in our adult relationships. We break down the three different ways IWMs effect our relationships: By creating a negative view of self By creating...