Tough Discussions

We’ve lost sight of the simplicity of being human and replaced it with the complexity of dehumanising each other in our efforts to feel better about ourselves. If we blindly follow the mainstream narratives, we’ll never have reason to feel accountable or to accept accountability for any of our actions, or the contributions that we make towards the unpleasant experiences of others. We need to recla...

We complicate life when we try to intellectually and emotionally reprocess everything that we experienced in the hope that we will be able to find the strength to push beyond it. Pushing beyond it then becomes an exercise on developing new coping mechanisms or habits, or avoidance techniques so that the impact of what still troubles us is more bearable. That approach is simply unsustainable. Heali...

This recording of a recent radio interview with Haafidha Rayhaanah on Radio Islam, a local community radio station, unpacks the challenges that many face in the form of what is commonly referred to as a mid-life crisis. While the focus of the interview was to get a man’s perspective on this, as always, the themes and insights are intended as universal human experiences regardless of gender. This i...

I received a couple of queries from followers after I questioned the veracity of a claim regarding the nervous system’s supposed role in making us feel safe. Check out my response to see why this belief is grossly irresponsible and problematic. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit coachzaidismail.substack.com

We’ve lost the plot in our efforts to connect with the human struggle to create a life worth living. Our fixation on coping mechanisms to operate more efficiently within a system of existence imposed on us leaves us feeling triumphant when we thrive within that system, while distracting us from how much more we’re capable of if only we looked beyond it. Existing is coping, while living is actively...

We’ve complicated life by subscribing to mental health labels that add no value to the struggles or problems that we’re trying to overcome. Instead, they only make matters worse. We need to simplify life and start seeing the reality we’ve created for ourselves, rather than simply looking at what we find unacceptable from those around us. From childhood trauma to toxic parents to narcissistic partn...

Most often, our focus in relationships is on how well someone behaves towards us, and vice versa. When either partner or individual behaves badly, the focus is inevitably on first stopping or challenging the bad behaviour, and sometimes, understanding why they felt a need to behave that way. Rarely do our considerations or concerns extend beyond that. Worse still, we almost never consider the impa...

In a time when everyone feels bold enough to label and write-off those who don’t show up the way that they want or need them to, it’s important to question whether this approach to mental health and relationships solves any problems, or do they just create new ones. We’ve grown lethargic in our efforts to understand others because we’re mostly focused, and the mainstream narratives hugely promote...

A relationship is the outcome of the two individuals in it. If there is something that either person doesn’t like about the relationship, they need to understand how their combined contribution, especially their own, is enabling or sustaining the problem that they would like to resolve. Only then do we have a chance to effectively work through the problem without creating new problems in the proce...

While all my episodes are unscripted and impromptu, this one is particularly so. I set out without any specific topic in mind, similar to how I once used to blog, and just let the words flow relative to what was occupying the most heart space. It touches on my reasons for challenging the mainstream narratives about being human, and it unpacks how we lose our agency, and ourselves, to what becomes...

This interview was conducted by Gouwah Solomon on Hilaal TV, a local community TV station available on satellite networks and YouTube. While the context within which the discussion happens is that of Muslim life, the themes and points raised are universal. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit coachzaidismail.subst...

We’ve been told for so long that anger is an emotion, and that we must manage our anger, that we’ve grown to believe this to be true. What if anger isn’t an emotion in itself, but is in fact a reaction to an emotional experience that we need to express? In this episode, I unpack the underlying contributing factors towards anger which, if understood, gives us a much greater chance of being able to...

What is our understanding of love was distorted by societal or cultural norms that convinced us that infatuation, lust, or even servitude is what love is about? When we take such distortions and turn it into our philosophy of what unconditional love should look like, we create opportunity for abuse and betrayal for all the wrong reasons. Listen in on this episode to )hopefully) get a fresh and hea...

We decide what we think we are capable of long before we set out to achieve what we want. Everything from our dreams to our short term goals are all massively influenced by what we think we have a chance of achieving, rather than whether we think it is important to achieve. That sense of self, or that belief in what we are capable of is what sets the tone for how we react to the expectations that...

Believing that the universe is waiting to serve you is no different to believing that the world revolves around you. It is our conscious and deliberate effort at exercising our agency as human beings that meaningfully contribute towards the desired outcomes of our lives. The moment we lose sight of this, we slip into a victim mindset and succumb to the weight of expectations and failures, trying t...

This is one of those topics where I am reminded that pervasive ignorance is not collective wisdom. The basis on which contemporary methods and modalities have been developed is inspired by a distortion of what we believe to be human nature. Secular thinking about human traits have deprived us of our humanness while promising us fulfilment. Instead, all it has done is given us hyper-individuality w...

Purpose is always defined as some mystical goal of spirituality or service to humanity in a broader context of life. I disagree with that take because it doesn’t give me something tangible to connect with. In this episode, I explore our relationship with purpose and how it is pervasive in every experience in life, especially our emotional experiences. This is a public episode. If you would like to...

At the heart of every source of duress is the perception of justice or fairness. We look at how we’re treated relative to what we contribute and it leaves us feeling a certain way about that experience. At times we are treated badly by one over whom we have no control or influence, which results in us projecting that injustice on anyone else whose behaviour, even innocent behaviour, reminds us of...

Many are led to believe that they are here to save the next generation from the experiences that they had at the hands of the previous generation. This has resulted in problematic philosophies like gentle parenting and other similar liberal approaches to being human, without understanding the long-term impact of their methods. Our inclination to label our unpleasant experiences as traumatic, toxic...

Our self-esteem is at the heart of our contribution towards the lives of those we cherish, and to society in general. The lower your self-esteem, the more destructive you will be in those relationships while convincing yourself that your battle against the world is justified. Sometimes, it creates a passive-aggressive tone that appears to be sincerely selfless, but becomes overbearingly stifling t...

One of the most common blind spots we have in our efforts to be the ‘best version of ourselves’ is our obliviousness to the impact that we have on others. The mainstream narrative around mental health fixates on how we are impacted by the behaviour of others, or by life’s experiences, but rarely does it acknowledge the impact of the choices we make or the mannerisms we act out. We have impact beyo...

Looking to overcome the difficulties of the past requires a healthy understanding of what you took from your experiences. The unlearning process is one of the most overlooked aspects of emotional wellbeing, commonly referred to as mental health. Our growth or healing journey will be hampered if we don’t realise that some of our truths may have long since expired and are no longer relevant to what...

We overcomplicate life when we create a separation from who we are by fixating on what happened to us. We create such disconnects within ourselves through many innocent and well-intentioned strategies that are supposed to make life easier and more bearable, but instead, it creates a deeply ingrained sense of angst that contaminates our peace. Understanding why something or someone impacted you as...

In our search for important answers about how life works, or how our emotions can be better regulated, we are likely to fall prey to the misplaced arguments that many have adopted as truths about themselves. Many have made bold claims about how science explains the brain’s impact on mental health, but almost always, they fail to emphasise that such claims are purely theoretical and have no physica...

Labelling things is fine, labelling people it not fine at all. The mainstream mental health space reduces every human to a label, and then judges them based on that. This is at the heart of the dysfunction and dis-ease that we experience in our relationships with others, and especially in our relationship with ourselves. Labelling gives us comfort because it allows us to preemptively box someone i...