theTimeVault

A hero who doesn't talk, a man who's always having a hunch, an extremely unhelpful execution victim, a dead dad who throws rodents at women, spontaneous amphibian revivification, rough sex, public humiliation, grave robbing, a carrier bag with a man's face in it and the strangest game of statues ever. This is Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter…. it's madder than a hat full of frogs.

All together now Aaaaaaa-geeeeee-ddor-dor-dor Push a statue, shake a spear Ageddor-dor-dor Make your people quake with fear Kill a friend, rig a fight All of your guests will hiss and squeak That's enough for tonight Do it again same time next week

Travis and Servelan go on a team building exercise where she claims the title of most inappropriately dressed spelunker in the universe and loses a bet with Blake after he wins a paperweight wrapped in christmas lights by fondling an old man's tits. The rest of the Liberator crew are busy sweating, vomiting, dressing up, playing with remote control spaceships and getting into an unusual situation...

Day of the Daleks explained… The Long Version A shiny quisling and a man with a whip find some dirty tins in a cupboard, which are five years out of date and have gone bad. they are so hazardous to health that the Human race is brought to it's knees and the only things they can manufacture are skips and very slow quad bikes with a wheel missing. A street gang full of people who are too old to be i...

Opportunity knox for Pussy, Tilly, Mai Ling and Dink - The Goldfinger Singers - as their manager, Gertie, gets them their biggest ever gig in the US of A, putting on a show for the troops. But tragedy strikes as their bodyguard (an ex painter and decorator who really doesn't like golf balls) would rather spend all his time planning a school for haberdashery themed assassins and lets a rather fanat...

or…Confessions of a Scientific Advisor. Doctor Who's sexual tension gets a right seeing-to in the horniest story of them all. Sergeant Benton pulls the local busybody, the Brigadier gets a bed scene, Yates' chopper explodes all over a strange man, the Doctor draws a giant breast, everyone does a fertility dance and the Master keeps hiding in the crypt to secretly summon the horny beast. With a chi...

The Liberator crew aren't being chased by anyone so they have a bit of time to themselves… Blake goes camping and breaks a few records with a puppet and a gramophone. Jenna flirts with a very persistent Turkish Delight salesman, while Vila experiments with the kind of necklace you'd usually find in a six year old girl's dressing up box. Avon discovers that he really is God and Gan relaxes by beati...

The Master steals a small red model aeroplane from the High Council of the Time Lords so they send the Doctor and Jo to the Planet of the Blind Mime Artists to get it back. They meet some Human colonists who find life on the planet so dull they've perfected the art of open-air mud wrestling, a bunch of intergalactic miners who can't understand how they came last in a Build-Your-Own Godzilla compet...

One Valerie Leon just isn't enough. Especially in this tale about a sleepy, scantily clad amputee with an ornament fetish, who takes revenge on a bunch of peeping toms after they break into her bedroom and move stuff. She won't go down in history as one of the all-time great revenge killers though; she lets her mind wander and it takes her about 20 years to get started. Even then she can't be both...

It's a U.N.I.T. night out and they've chosen to go to the new Italian restaurant down the road, Axonite's The Brig argues with the regular military over who's going to pay, the Master turns up even though he wasn't invited and one of their guests insults the Doctor's equipment so they spend the rest of the night arguing about who's is biggest. Jo loses her appetite after she gets lost in the kitch...

The crew of the Liberator go on one of those team-building exercises, you know the kind of thing, a bit of potholing, spaceship racing, flamethrower avoidance, suicidal vortex diving, a rather easy game of hide and seek and hitting each other over the head with bits of the ship. Travis wants to join in but the scantily clad fem-bot he brings with him upsets everyone so he throws a strop and gets h...

The Master makes Jo eat some porridge while a brain in a box goes for a walk. Yates discovers that his equipment is well and truly bent and forgets how to ride a bike. Benton goes on a power trip while the Brigadier sells potatoes and an imaginary dragon argues with an American tourist over a hotel room. The Doctor has an unnecessary cup of tea. Mind of Evil? Mind of a Freaking Loony Writer if you...

It didn't take long for the crew of the Liberator to start pairing off, just in time for a weekend break… Avon and Cally go on a murder mystery weekend in a spaceship full of planks and struggle to solve the only (very obvious) clue. But, to be fair, it's hard to concentrate when you're being stared at by couple of angry perms while a midget with super strength keeps getting in your way. Blake and...

Well, you asked for it. Okay, you didn't but you've got it anyway.

A stage hypnotist and a factory worker employ a team of mime artists to run their own radio station whilst taking part in a bus tour for a group of artificial florists with abnormally large heads. Clearly this contravenes all the laws of, erm…sense, so U.N.I.T. is called in to put a stop to it. The Doctor can't take part though because he's confused by a window and challenged some clowns to a fist...

What do a tarantula, a herring and a butler's wife's brother have in common? I don't know either but they all cause trouble for the World's greatest detective, Sherlock Holmes. So much trouble in fact, that he does a bunk for most of the adventure and decides to try his hand at more respectable employment. His eclectic choices of hotel management, pest control, impressionist and telescope repair m...

The Centre of the Earth. A fascinating subject, tackled by many different writers and storytellers over the ages; what wonders are to be found at the Earth's core? What dangers, treasures and enchantments are waiting to be discovered? But as good as these stories may be, that is all they are - stories, flights of fancy. The truth is like nothing you could imagine and now, finally, Doctor Who has r...

This one's got a man without a face. Honestly, how crap is that for a villain? Okay, so you've only got one arm or maybe a wooden leg, or even just an eyepatch, you can still have a good chance of taking over the world or causing havoc. But I mean, come on… He doesn't have a FACE! He can't see where he's going, he can't ask for directions…he can't even use a mirror to draw one on. He'll never lick...

A gunfight…of DEATH! A fist-fight…of DEATH! A car chase…of DEATH! Underground bunkers, astronauts, aliens, radiation…of DEATH, helicopters, more underground bunkers, explosions, a baker's van…of DEATH, false beards and some crap magic. So as Benton hands round the Ferrero Rocher…of DEATH! (Timevault, you are really spoiling us), it can only mean one thing… It's The Ambassadors…of DEATH! Boinnngggg...

The pressure's starting to get to them. After spending the day fending off mind control, genocide, girl on girl action, little squeaky white things and an angry midget in a fish tank, the crew of the Liberator go a bit bonkers; listening to a stolen radio, catching amnesia (all of them) and stealing from an - understandably - angry motorcycle courier who seems to have lost his bike. They're just a...

Domestic disputes are so inconvenient aren't they? One minute your bicycle-powered nuclear reactor is causing a power cut and keeping your next-door neighbours awake (well, the ones you haven't got tied up in the kitchen) and the next thing you know you're being investigated by the government, soldiers have cordoned off your street and your neighbours have released a virulent, communicable monkey...

What a pair! The local schoolteacher finds them to be a right handful, the God-fearing puritans struggle to get to grips with first one then the other; even the vampire on the hill can't wait to start sucking on them. Honestly, they just can't contain themselves. Careful handling is advised. What? I know she's got a sister, they're twins. What did you think I was talking about?

Think of all the monsters that you've ever heard about Like Sea Devil, Krynoid, Rutan and Slitheen There are lots of weird monsters in the Universe But have you ever seen an Auton that is green? Seen! An Auton that is positively green? Well that's because there aren't any, There really aren't any An Auton isn't eco-LOG-ic-ally sound They're not bio-degradable They're made of plastic with no voice,...

So you're planning to conquer the Galaxy? Do you have a big, villainous beard, treacherous subordinates with slightly smaller villainous beards, nameless minions with pvc uniforms and weird guns? Do you have an air of menacing authority, a bold, inventive, never been done before plan involving fog, mud, designer glasses and pop art wallpaper? If the answer to all these is a big YES, then you're re...

How come metal wigs never took off as a fashion accessory? They're shiny, long lasting (barring rust), work brilliantly as a hard hat, available in different styles (the one being modelled here is in a rather attractive beehive with parting) and you can decorate them yourself. Okay, you'll never be able to look down without falling over and fridge magnets will suddenly become a nuisance but that's...