theTimeVault

Is there a better way to celebrate the 60th Anniversary of Doctor Who than by ignoring it completely and talking over the 10th Anniversary of Doctor Who? Nope, didn't think so.

It’s snow joke when the Doctor faces off against Hissing Sid. ICE. It’s white, it’s slippery, you can skate on it and make beautiful sculptures out of it. It’s cool. But what they don’t tell you is that it makes you paranoid and convinces you that you’re living in the time of Oliver Cromwell. Worst of all….aliens live in it! They live in it forever and ever and ever until you let them out. But you...

Some monks living on a hill are being terrorised by some giant furry things that may or may not be yeti. A mad explorer tries to get them to eat the Doctor (the yeti, not the monks) but they’re not interested because they’ve been trained by someone invisible who sounds like a pervert. The Doctor realises that the yeti’s one weakness is their balls. A sure fire way to incapacitate the male of any s...

The Doctor does his best Lara Croft impersonation when some maths teachers try to take over what looks like an intergalactic ice cream factory. But it all comes down to the wires when the factory boss has a quarrel with the Hulk’s thinner, less chatty cousin and is ultimately defeated by a closed door (this happens a lot so clearly they’re more used to open-plan architecture). The guy in charge of...

The village is the worst place in the world. It has the worst fair election campaign, the worst party guest, the worst personal assistant, the worst inspiring speeches, the worst town council meeting, the worst internal security system, the worst attempt to pretend you’re not surreptitiously keeping an eye on someone when you quite clearly are, the worst secret drinking establishment and the worst...

Somebody’s half-inched the TARDIS!! A tramp makes a train set out of pepperpots, the daleks are experimenting with a new diet plan for Human beings and a man in a skirt is in for a spot of male bonding with a giant Turk. All this and there’s also a big nobbly thing with a megaphone and the most fearsome beard in history doing something dastardly with mirrors. And yet despite it all, the Doctor and...

A man resigns from a job he doesn’t want, packs for a holiday and has a good old sleep on the way there. Staying in a well-furnished holiday cottage with a full maid service, during the days he goes for a ride on a helicopter, watches a local concert, wins a talent contest, plays with a beach ball down by the sea and goes for a boat ride with a rather nice woman he appears to be having a holiday r...

The Doctor with a thousand ____s ____s overwhelming odds when he ____s-off against the ____less ones who put on a brave ____, even though they have to ____ the truth that they won’t be able to save ____. So the two-____d time lord goes ____ to ____ against a man without a ____ (which is quite tricky to do) but he doesn’t realise that his companions have ____d their fears one too many times and now...

After a French chauffeur lets one off in the Gizmos head office, it’s no longer fit for human habitation so they all have to find other work. Roz tries her hand at marathon running, plumbing and truck driving and, as expected, at least two people snuff it. Ed tries babysitting but the pre-teens all sneer at his lack of computer skills so he puts on a bathrobe and takes a job slapping inner city gy...

The listeners must relax and believe. Everything in the TimeVault is considered and correct. You must accept it without question. You must obey orders. The presenters of the TimeVault know what is best. In 54 minutes, when you stop listening, you will be given an opinion. You will be glad to agree. You will question nothing in the TimeVault There is no such thing as other podcasts! There are no ot...

During our forced isolation we've been watching a lot of Film and TV. Survivors, Outbreak, Contagion, Masque of Mandragora, Masque of the Red Death, Mask of Zorro, The Masked Singer, The Mask, Son of the Mask, Mask, M.A.S.K., The Man in the Iron Mask, The Man in the Iron Mask, The Man in the Iron Mask and err...oh yes, The Man in the Iron Mask But we couldn't face any more so we're back, whether y...

Ros has found her new calling…Road Rage Influencer; when she’s not goading violent henchman types into ramming elderly drivers in dark tunnels, she’s flying helicopters over public roads while shooting at vehicles transporting highly unstable explosive materials. It all comes back to haunt her though when she has a reaction to a bad salad. Ed meanwhile is in the most understaffed scientific resear...

It’s all happening on the moon! Except it isn’t. The moon-base is staffed by the most normal, relaxed bunch of colleagues you’re ever likely to find in Doctor Who. It’s so relaxed that Ben stacks boxes, Polly waffles on about nail varnish and the doctor looks at shoes under a microscope. Ahh, lazy days….. But oh no! Scott has just head butted the moon and gets a bad case of the sweats when he star...

The man without a face doesn’t have a face but he does have a face and another face. The woman with an unmentionable job and questionable taste in music has her name and someone else’s name and keeps extra hair by her bed but not by her other bed. A pair of medium atomic weights have taken to squatting in someone else’s dingy, squalid little flat while they bicker about job satisfaction and look a...

aka ‘Stop Piscine About’ The TARDIS crew go for a swim in their latest adventure when they discover the lost city of Atlantis! A mad mad scientist (that’s a mad scientist who’s then gone mad) with an equally mad accent has found the city and promised to raise it, but only he knows that to do it he must blow up the world! Ahahahahahaha!!! (see, i said he was mad). The Doctor tries to stop him by do...

A politician with a penchant for gardening who likes chocolate bars and compulsive gigglers is a big man in the ‘underground alternative medicine’ scene. When he’s not lurking in the cellars of his restaurant chain, he surrounds himself with a lot of card players; his secretary likes playing solitaire while his public relations advisor prefers snap. When Bond turns up and convinces one of them to...

Och aye the Noo! Ye dinnae ken the trubbel ye coz when ye treps roon bonnie Scotland wi’out a kilt or haggis tae call yer ohn.... A toff falls down a hole in history while Polly and a Scottish bird prowl the moors at night looking to mug people. Ben does porridge with a man who plays the bagpipes and the Doctor collects hats while dressed as a washer woman!! As the Doctor hides from the English so...

How do you clean up Italian politics? You have two men on the go at the same time, while a third spirits you away for clandestine meetings where a man who can’t speak shoots imaginary teddy bears that look like you before going for a nighttime swim, then you have a secret wedding and invite spies who can’t sew to fight over who gets to watch it in the most spyish way. And although you forget to in...

Power Napping, Power Walking, Power Talking. Power Houses, Power Stations, Power Plants and Power Rangers. Wind Power, Wave Power, Solar Power and Battery Power. Steam Power, Flower Power, Super Power and Turtle Power. Executive Powers, Mental Powers, Higher Powers and Austin Powers The Power of Love, The Power of Christ, The Power of Greyskull. The Power of Positive Thinking and the POW-wer of th...

Tegan’s keen to upgrade her driving licence. She’s already gone from car to ambulance and now she’s making the leap to time and space machine, but the engine’s over-heated and she’s got all hot and bothered. She needs to relax with a bit of indoor graffiti but she’s not quite at Banksy’s level yet. The Doctor’s had a nasty fall and he now thinks the TARDIS needs one hell of a clear-out. Unfortunat...

Your estranged wife just caught you exchanging fluids with your ex-girlfriend so she shot at you. Your ex-girlfriend’s not even interested, she only came round to borrow a cup of milk. But before you know it she’s moved in and your jealous butler’s tried to start a bitch fight. You decide to avoid it all and spend the rest of the day in bed but your friends creep in while you’re asleep and cut you...

Your open-air mime rehearsal doesn’t go so well when your only audience member leaves for the countryside and the company of corpses. Naturally, you take your mind off it by looking for an invisible house in the sky but somehow you end up punching a duck. Confused, you decide to go to dinner with the most unlikely couple in all of time who are far more adept at the whole ‘trapped in a box’ thing t...

Ros is flying high with success and joins the mile spy club; she gets a private plane AND she gets to go in the cockpit. She does have to wear a ridiculous pair of glasses to watch the in-flight movie though. It’s the Twilight Zone and there’s this freaky little thing on the wing of the plane…. Beckett’s fortunes take a bit of a dive, he’s all pumped about getting involved in off-shore banking but...

Not to be confused with Legopolis, which uses a different type of block transfer computation (although it does explain Adric’s hair) An air hostess has a disastrous first day when she gets on the wrong flight, shouts at the cabin crew and can’t find the emergency exit - although to be fair it’s a devil to get to. A precocious math’s nerd can’t decide whether to spend the day measuring an infinite...

What happens when a man who likes to climb tall buildings meets a man who likes to jump out of windows and they get into a car with a woman who knows how to use a fax machine? You get a team of remorseless killers who like to spy on businesswomen’s muesli, steal strangers’ family photos, wear hideous yellow ties and pretend to be nice to old people before doing several different government agencie...