theTimeVault

A professional cat impressionist with an outdated sense of dress, a medically recognised allergy to sunlight and a desperate need for some dental work is unfairly victimised by a bunch of squatters who've quite clearly mistaken his stately home for the Three Bears cottage (they sit in his chairs, eat his food and sleep in his beds). It's obviously not a fairytale though because after barging into...

Lisssping lizardssss plan to spread their seed across the planet (eurgh!) and invade, but the Doctor gets them to agree to a dancing competition; the winner get's the Earth. His largely improvised routine is lots of running about and arm waving, which can't compete when the Martians get their best warrior to do 'the robot'. The judges (a posh bird and two old blokes with saggy trousers who work fo...

Blake's 5 settle down to a quiet night in on the sofa with some stickers, a bag of mints, a massive stash of treasure and an inflatable spanner, but the evening's spoilt by the gate-crashing antics of a violent religious psychopath, some elderly gladiators and a ventriloquist without a dummy. Something tells me this party's going to end with a BANG…

"Doctor, Doctor, there's a giant crystalline monster with a funny voice in my soup!" "Don't you mean waiter?" "No, no. It's definitely a giant crystalline monster with a funny voice." Bu-dum! Tsh! Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen, We're here all week. Don't forget to tip your Kroton

or Hammer (The Christopher Lee Tribute Band Goes Back to School) An all-girl boarding school with a see-through dress code, a headmistress perverting the course of justice, a history teacher who worships the undead and a new member of staff called Dick who's desperate to introduce all the girls to his richard (or something like that)… That's right, in the best tradition of shows like Panorama and...

Cyberman, Cyberman, does whatever an emotionless, semi-organic, flesh-filled exoskeleton can Hard to miss, rather large, wouldn't fit in a barge Look out! Here comes a Cyberman.

Wrists of the Tearer, Knuckles of the Strangler, Thumbs of the Puncher, Index Finger of the Presser - these are just a few of the ideas that were discarded in favour of Hands of the Ripper; a film about whores, frauds, a wet fish and a right berk.

A Doctor, a faceless boy and an improbable martial artist do battle with a hairy woman, a blow-up corpse, robots from another show and the worst fake nose in history. All because some old guy can't work his computer.

Actually, there were never more than 6 of them and that wasn't until episode 4 and for the last two series there were only 5 and Blake wasn't in it. Talk about false advertising. So join our campaign to rename the show "Blake's or Whoever's 7 (Actually 6) or Lower" or we'll tranquillise you, brainwash you, frame you for an unspeakable crime and fire you off into deep space.

Two overly butch aliens called 'Dominators' hunt submissive men in skirts because they want some slaves that they can force to take part in something called a Dull Kiss (I'm quite relieved they never explain that bit). Alright, who said subtext?

Spying, trespass, assault, incitement to riot, double kidnapping, multiple car theft, graffiti, wanton vandalism, time manipulation, possession of the living by the dead, chicken in a basket and saying it's all God's fault… the aristocracy isn't what it used to be. I blame the parents.

The Wheel in Space goes round and round Round and Round Round and Round The Wheel in Space goes round and round All. Day. Long (repeat continuously for 6 episodes).

Mike takes things too seriously. Paul loses his sparkle.

Seaweed; noun; ('si, wi,d) Any of numerous multi-cellular marine algae that grow on the seashore, in salt marshes, in brackish water or submerged in the ocean. Reacts badly to Victorian teenagers, is easily offended by the Dutch and can cause emission of gas in Human males. Can fly helicopters.

There's not much that can be said about this one without using words like 'nubile', 'heaving', 'bouncing' or 'woodsman's daughter' but I'll try. Ingrid Pitt and Madeline Smith are……No. No, that's it, I need to go and have a cold shower.

The TARDIS crew display their ball skills in this short-awaited sequel. The Doctor and friends arrive in the London Underground to do a spot of spring cleaning and what do they find hiding amongst the dust and cobwebs? Why it's their old friend with the pervy voice and hairy minions. Journalists, geriatrics, sexists and the Welsh; stumbling around in the dark has never been so much fun. But it's n...

Paul courts controversy. Mike makes some bad jokes.

A film about a bearded scientist in a hole who hits the only woman in London because an insect under a train station tells her to throw stuff at him