theTimeVault

It’s par 4 on the 12th and there’s a spot of bother in one of the bunkers. You’ve heard of Extreme Golf? Well Hitler Winters (sorry, Hilda Winters) and the Fascist Scientists have too. It’s not extreme enough for them though so they’ve decided to weaponise their favourite golf course and are prepared to eradicate any and all opposition with nuclear force just so that they can finally win the Maste...

Donna has something on her back.... Sorry, getting 36 years ahead of ourselves there. Sarah has something on her back, Mike finds religion and the Doctor has the longest chase in history, using (deep breath) cars, boats, bicycles, hovercrafts, whomobiles, milk floats, mobility scooters, stairs, elevators, stilts, pogo sticks, roller-skates, hang gliders, canoes, trains, tanks, swimming, shopping t...

People think this story is about the miner’s strike or the class divide. It isn’t you know, it’s about the power of the mind; Queen Thalira’s willpower is astonishing... Surrounded by dirty, greasy labourers who keep bursting in on her trying to assert themselves...nothing. A big muscle man, responsible for her body who grunts at her all day…not a flicker. A god shaped like a wild, hairy beast wit...

Hmmm.....what to talk about on the 50th anniversary of Doctor Who? Let’s see; condoms, ball fiddling, chubby villains, hundreds and thousands, Chas n Dave, Queen lyrics, pyromaniacs, mullets (the hair, not the fish), inefficient first aid, glockenspiels, dead moles, sick.... All these things are discussed in..... The Podcast of Rassilon.

The Doctor forgets to charge his iTardis and finds himself stranded in a desert with some office workers whose team building weekend has gone all Lord of the Flies. When the Daleks arrive suffering from an epidemic of exterminatile dysfunction (HON-EST-LY, THIS HAS NE-VER HAPP-ENED BE-FOORRE), he decides to look elsewhere for a compatible charger. While Sarah is busy roaming the desert, beating th...

In the true style of Doctor Who Minisodes, this is as transient and throw-away as you'd expect.

RaaaaaAAAAArrrRRRrrrrr London. The Golden Age Retirement Home has lost some of it's residents during a day trip to the nation's capital. Normally that wouldn't be anything to worry about but when it's the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' Great Grand Daddies, and they haven't taken their pills, you'd better call U.N.I.T. The Brigadier's got his work cut out for him though; Sarah's getting spaced out w...

When the love child of E.T. and Mr Potato Head falls from the sky in a giant zorb, he’s befriended by an ironmonger with a syllable deficiency who hides him in a barn and demands payment in the form of old men’s used pajamas. When the hairy poo steals them from the future, the Doctor follows him back to merrye olde englande but gets sidetracked when he’s invited to a party by Robin Hood’s gay cous...

(stereotypical welsh accent) Dear British Boyo Corporation, Wales here. We would like to put ourselves forward as the new home of Doctor Who at some point in the 21st Century. We feel we have all the right qualifications to be responsible for such a popular, important show.... just look at all the evidence. We’ve got class discrimination, see. We’ve got racial stereotypes, unnecessary cross-dressi...

The Doctor and Jo are redecorating the TARDIS (again!) and pay a visit to the Carpet Warehouse. Unfortunately for them the purple shag piles have taken over and invited the Daleks to appear on a number of reality tv shows. While the Daleks are busy taking part in Dancing on Ice, I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here and Pimp My Ride, the Doctor and Jo, for one night only, are helping the Thal Histor...

Nothing out of the ordinary happens in this one... Josephine Grant, this year’s winner of Earth’s Got Talent goes on a galactic tour, demonstrating her ability to perform kung-fu escapology while reciting nursery rhymes. The Doctor inspects a lot of empty rooms, falls off a few spaceships and wears pajamas to the moon. The Master reads a book, has a nap and vanishes in a puff of hasty editing. And...

Carnivaaaaal! Music! Dancing! Vibrant Colours! Cultural Diversity! Excitement! Sexy Costumes! Atmosphere! Wrong Carnival! Okay, I know it says Carnival of Monsters but a blurry cyberman, wet glove puppets, hastily applied bald caps and a crate of chickens isn’t exactly Rio is it? But I suppose if you add the worst fairground attendants in the galaxy covering themselves in balls while the Doctor pu...

A greek tragedy unfolds when an invisible man falls into a hole and learns how to turn other peoples lights off by remote. He sends Mr Blobby’s less evolved cousin to apologise but that’s not enough to stop a delegation of medical professionals from jumping in the hole and throwing musical instruments at him. No one helps him though, because the Brigadier’s brain has gone to the seaside and Jo is...

Vila makes a fool of himself while Jenna flutters her eyelashes at two Jolly Green Giants who are fighting over which one of them inherits their dad’s tinned vegetable business. Servelan realises that she’s the left the back door to the galaxy open but someone’s nicked her motor so she has to live in a tent surrounded by goths. Travis has invited a load of violent, conquering aliens he met down th...

The Daleks’ package holiday to London, Earth doesn’t quite live up to the brochure; the idyllic campsite where they can park their mobile home turns out to be a rubble-strewn, dilapidated factory complex in the city centre covered in Sugar Puffs (other breakfast cereals are available) and the “world’s largest open air swimming pool” is a filthy, corpse infested river! The vibrant, thriving, multi-...

An exercise video for people with nothing left to live for, hedgehog empathy, a japanese mexican version of the invisible man trying to do a welsh accent and an interactive cinema experience to die for isn't enough for this edition of TimeVault… So we've thrown in a man having his arm pulled off (always popular), midget pawn (not as popular) and the poshest all-girl bar fight (arousing despite eve...

After a rather heavy handed attempt to redecorate the lounge, the crew of the Liberator need to take five so they unanimously decide to walk into a trap involving a one eyed mountain man and some rubber rocks. A criminally insane smarty pants spends a few minutes alone with Jenna and Cally before deciding he needs some space while Avon and an old friend play eskimos and fight over a woman. Blake a...

What strange universe is this? Where's all the black and white gone? Why didn't they take that box of chocolates with them to eat on the journey? Who are all these familiar but somehow completely and utterly different people? A man who's clumsy, bumbling and outwitted by an 8 year old? That's not Ian. A woman who reads science journals and doesn't get on her high horse every 5 minutes? That's not...

It's strange what the death of a close friend or enemy does to people isn't it? Servelan starts being honest, Travis finally stops shouting, Cally remembers that she's telepathic and Avon and Vila gatecrash the Federation Fashion Show. Blake is hit the hardest though, he sulks a lot, leaves the longest voicemail message in history, gets adopted by a talking flea and develops a fetish for 'water sp...

Everyone's feeling a little out of sorts in The Time Monster; Jo fondles the Doctor's equipment then makes several attempts to kill herself, Yates sits in a ditch, Benton's being really childish and the Doctor wants to jack it all in and start an intergalactic zoo. It's not going too well though, he's already killed the Immortal Bull and his Time Rams just don't do anything, but if he could find t...

The Liberator crew are in desperate need of a holiday so they go to a remote planet and take it in turns to film a short corporate training video called "How Not To Survive In The Jungle" before using the fee from that to get in to an exclusive (and incredibly makeshift) portable disco, after which, they go topless. I'm not kidding. There's greased nipple shots, jiggling breast flesh, the lot. The...

A bald man in a metal box living next door to an underground disco turns a hippy protester into a girly angel with anger management issues while a token ethnic workforce develops a crippling speech impediment, causing a fat man to shout at some insects. The Doctor and Jo deliver a giant Kinder Surprise.

Wanted. Superstitious locals required for labour-intensive mining work. You will be working amongst a team of like-minded individuals, with plenty of "encouragement" from supervisors. Fixed salary, holiday entitlement and career prospects. Uniform of dirty rags will be provided. Successful applicants will be desperate, gullible, injured, hostile to strangers and partial to bongo drums. Must have o...

When you live in a castle on an island with a lot of ex-seventies male pornstars who can't afford car doors for company, a sudden desire to alleviate the boredom by getting a pet turtle doesn't seem that odd. The fact that all the staff at the local turtle farm wear fishnets and NOTHING else is quite odd (and a bit kinky) and when the mean posh boy from your school days turns up to take all the tu...

Welcome to Space City, the only place to be if you're looking for fun and games! We have classics like computer chess, custard eating contests and a highly addictive marbles tournament. There are new takes on old games like Telepathic Hide and Seek or the Giant Tiddly-Winks planet (try not to have a fist-fight with the other team). If you prefer less rules to remember, we still have Arguing with a...