theTimeVault

Originally called The Mummy Snored, this is Hammer’s only attempt at a horror-comedy-whodunnit. A narcoleptic accountant, recovering in bandages after getting caught in a fight while on holiday in Egypt, wakes up to find out that the souvenir tea-towel he’d bought for his mummy has been stolen.  He decides to track down the burglars and get back his tea-towel only to find that it keeps ending up i...

Sarah meets a strangely charismatic woman called Ellie D. Radd.  Unfortunately, after three years of extreme living, Ellie’s cold handshake pushes Sarah over the edge and she no longer knows if she’s coming or going…or been.  She starts to think she’s the popular children’s character Andy Pandy, gets a bit violent and puts a severed hand in her lunch box.  The Doctor and Ellie get to her before sh...

Join us as we try to make ‘sense’ of Doctor Who’s latest adventure. As series one of Doctor Who nears its dimensionally transcendental end, this story is full of possibilities; A spooky spaceship, telepathic aliens, a deranged astronaut, murder, intrigue, suspense, a podgy alien who likes to dress in other peoples clothes……and we find out where a very famous seventies pop trio got their inspiratio...

Saggitarius (22 Nov-21-Dec) A sense of direction (and a torch) will be of great benefit to you over the next few days as you go to the aid of your best friend’s hair stylist in a foreign sewer system. Arguments over an inheritance may cause you trouble while an untimely death will remind you of blue cheese. A bearded man will come between you and someone you trust during a fancy dress party. Eat s...

Jeepers, Creepers! The Brussels are sprouting! The Doctor finds himself in another vine mess and doesn’t have mulch time to sort it out. U.N.I.T. are late with the barbecue and Sarah’s had her chlorophyll of gardening (and she’s still getting over her fear of frozen veg). It’s no good asking Scorby for help either, he just longs for the green green grass of home. There are other guests at the Kryn...

Extract from The 100 Most Famous Brains Of All Time: Far Future Edition …and climbing several places to number 4 we have Morbius. Known to his friends as Chop-Suey the Galactic Emperor, this nearly dead Time Lord maniac likes oppression, paranoid ranting, swimming in green goo and killing starey orange witches of death. His pet hates are people with curly hair, sponges, mind bending contests, clif...

There’s nothing like a bit of grave robbing, followed by identity fraud and religious intolerance but sometimes, that just isn’t enough. Try poisoning your best mate or running out on your fiancé before the wedding. And if all else fails, you can always fall back on the old ‘destroying a man’s faith’ routine. That one gets ‘em every time. Obviously, this won’t appeal to everyone, so for those of y...

The Tardis crew arrive on a planet where a gang of wetsuit-clad burglars are trying to break into an old man’s home and steal his keys……the bastards! But the old man’s been really crafty, see, and he’s hidden the keys all over the planet…but of course, he ‘s old and probably lost his glasses so the Doctor and friends go off to find the keys before the burglars can get them. So they have to nick th...

Have you ever wanted your own life-size, fully interactive Sarah Jane Smith? Well, now you can! The Sarah Jane Smithdroid. New! From Chedaki-Styggron Toys ltd. Totally indistinguishable from the real thing, she laughs, she cries, she walks, she talks and she shoots your children with an incredibly lethal death ray hidden in her finger. Simply say "is that finger loaded?" And your child/pet/relativ...

Honestly, Sutekh, what are we going to do with you? You sit in-front of a tv screen all day, you only wear black, you’re always crushing insects… I know you like to leave dust and darkness everywhere but you could at least tidy your room. And open your curtains occasionally, they’ve got green mold all over them. You’re at that difficult age, I know, but why can’t you be more like your brother, Hor...

Sun, Sand and S…. No actually it’s just sun and sand. Our four travellers have broken their box again and are taken in by a man on a sponsored expedition. Some people wear their sponsor’s logo on their clothes, some even have it tattooed on themselves, but Marco changed his surname. Unfortunately, since he’s not sucking on a mint or driving a volkswagon or hitting his balls with a hammer while sit...

TARDIS CLASSIFIEDS For Sale Melted Clocks, Empty Drinks Machine, Uncomfortable Bed and Fluffed Lines. £25 for the lot or swap for Sense and Coherence Contact Babs, Box Blue64

Where do all the calculators go?

Once Upon A Time…. There was a giant, invisible jellyfish that lived in a hole eating coconuts. The jellyfish was terribly lonely and bored and liked to play pranks on people. One day, he hid all the fizzy pop from a bunch of visiting prospectors so they were dying for a drink.  They couldn’t understand what was happening and that amused the Jellyfish greatly. The next day, he tied a giant piece o...

Swivel on it, punks!

When I was a kid, there was a toy I used to have. It was a small plastic-y, rubbery octopus thing that was all sticky and slimy. You’d throw it at a window and it would stick to it and slowly squelch it’s way down……minutes of fun. With all those suckers, I wonder if you could do the same with a Zygon…

It’s amazing that this one ever got past the BBC censors. In only the second Doctor Who story ever, the TARDIS crew help the Thals fight and destroy their opponents. Sounds straight forward to us, but hang on a minute! Weren’t the perfect looking, blonde haired, blue eyed people the very model of a perfectly ordered Aryan super race as recommended by the Nazi’s? Not one of the Thals is disabled, d...

Spring-time for Davros! A disabled electrician with a massive ego invents a wheelchair with a bad attitude and a passion for unblocking toilets. Unable to leave the house, he orders his weekly shop online but the Thal supermarket delivers some bad clams so he blows them all to shit. Two doctors fight over the dullest piece of jewelery ever seen, whilst Sarah climbs to the top of a giant phallic st...

You say Sontaran, I say Sontaran.... Harry sets a bad example to youngsters everywhere by going spelunking and rock climbing without any safety equipment whatsoever; that’s no way for a medical professional to behave! Sarah sets a good example to youngsters everywhere by proving that you can be a successful, strong, independent, modern woman capable of writing wrongs and fighting evil monsters as...

The pilot episode's not bad actually, once you manage to tune out the two blokes off-camera who keep talking all the way through it. We think that's why they re-did it.

Home schooling takes a nasty turn when a grumpy old man locks his grand-daughter’s teachers in a box. RADA re-enacts a pre-historic wrestling tournament while the regular actors are whipped with twigs. And a man on a glockenspiel overdoes it and has to be threatened with burning skulls. Classic.

Peoples of the Universe, please attend carefully. The podcast that follows is vital to the future of you all...

Either we’ve gone blind or the crew of the Liberator have turned invisible because we can’t see a thing. It all sounds terribly exciting though; Jenna spaces out, Vila has a Hull of a time and Blake and Cally guest on Servelan’s new Federation talk show. Unfortunately for Avon, he’s been locked in the lounge while the Liberator gets ram raided. Not surprisingly, he chooses to have a vacation and h...

The Doctor examines ooze and Vira has to choose, so Sarah has a snooze while Harry loses shoes! Oh dear, wirrn trouble now...