theTimeVault

Skullduggery abounds in Fetch Priory when a scientist gets light-headed and goes for a wanda. She comes across an unrestrained accent, an exaggerated performance and an incontinent dog. She also finds a German fruitcake in the cellar that’s gone bad, but that’s okay because Rose Tyler’s Grandmother has made an English fruitcake (using a LOT of salt). They all hide under a table when a mime artist...

The Daleks interrupt the Doctor while he’s sunbathing so he challenges them to a game of hide and seek and legs it in the TARDIS.  The Daleks count to one hundred and the chase is on! They hide behind a miniature Empire State Building with Columbo, on an empty boat, in the cheapest Munsters convention in history and an alien jungle full of killer mushrooms… But Oh No!  The Daleks have built a look...

If there’s something strange In your remote, isolated, creepy old english mansion Who you gonna call…? The solicitors! Are you mad? Because this solicitor has had no training in fighting ghosts whatsoever. He doesn’t have a doctorate, he doesn’t have an un-tested, un-licenced nuclear accelerator on his back. He’s got a dog. A little dog. That runs away. He doesn’t know how to use a fireplace, he c...

Okay, the TARDIS crew arrive in a space museum (hence the title) where they see themselves as exhibits in glass cases. In a fascinating science fiction concept, this is explained by their having turned up before they’ve arrived, which is also after they’ve already been there. So when they first arrive for the second time, they’ve already arrived after themselves before they even turn up. So by get...

Nick Nack, baddie whack, give the girl a bone. Having earned a nice holiday in Honk Kong, Bond gets into trouble straight away by flashing his tits at the wrong businessman.  He gatecrashes a Bruce Lee Appreciation Society meeting in his pyjamas, narrowly avoids a humongous kicking with the help of the local girls school after hours ninja club and gets arrested for joyriding in a stolen car with a...

also known as Doctor Who and The Hardcore Prawn The Doktaw and Loola stop off at an awl-nite petrul stayshun beecoz they hurd there woz a partee. But beefaw they can say ekstraterestreeal pathowlogikal endomorfizumz, thee Doktaw gets hairee hands and needs a ly down wyul loola pootz on a nursiz owtfit and gets fizzikal with a swawm of booshee ibrowd petrul pump atendanz…and a dog. Towld u it woz h...

He’s a pathologist; brave, witty, always there to give you a hand. He’s a doctor; a square jawed hero, who tells it like it is She’s….erm…well…um…she looks good in just a big shirt. Together they must travel to a remote island somewhere off the coast of somewhere. They’ve got a bone to pick with a fellow scientist who’s let a million silly cats run riot, terrorising the locals who are so scared th...

Yes, that’s right! It’s time to join Batman and Barry Bumface in Birmingham as they battle the Beast of Fraggle Rock…..er, I mean Fang Rock. Wellllll they’ve both got a lighthouse in ‘em, what’s the difference? Scream your life away (clap clap) Worry ‘cause you’ll die today Let the monster play (clap clap) Down at Fang Rock Rutan’s here to stay (clap clap) But they’ve got something to say Make it...

You’ve had Sexploitation You’ve had Blaxploitation Now it’s time for Fangsploitation as the legendary Count prepares to wake up and smell the seventies. What’s happened to the world? Why’s everything beige? Why’s everyone bored? Yes, I know there were a couple of buxom wenches for me to snack on yesterday but I mean, come on, I live on a building site with two young vampires called Johnny and Bob;...

The time travellers arrive in ‘history’ again. Barbara gets kidnapped during a swordfight between some men in tabards and some other men in other tabards. The Doctor and Vicki go shoplifting while Ian shouts at King Richard until he gets knighted (I bet no one’s ever tried that with the Queen!). Barbara meets a shoe-shine man and impersonates a member of the royal family. Ian goes to the beach for...

Staff at the remote St Grumpy’s Hospital in the sleepy little village of Nowhere-on-the-wold don’t know what’s hit them when a friendly, co-operative, patient who’s ‘not from round here’ turns up having swallowed a plate, lost his belt and been chased into traffic by a couple of very persistant women. When the phones stop working and the thermostat accidentally gets stuck on ‘TOAST’ things get eve...

Bleep. bleepbleepblooooop. BlooopbloopblopblooptriiiiiillllwarblewarbleBLEEP. Scuttleflappityflapflap…..HOP. Pluarrrghhkkhhh Wuarrrgggghhhhkkk. (Translation) When the Tardis is forced to land on a planet, the crew discover that a giant, telepathic jellyfish with a gold fetish and the voice of a pervert has taken over, enslaved all the ants, evicted the butterflies and started to collect moons. o…....

TimeVault is going to the movies! So chloroform your wife, throw your secretary out of the window and then you can sit back and relax as you watch John, Mark and Major Clark navigate their way through the minefield of Invisible Elevators, Overly Dramatic Staircases, Improbable Scientific Theories, Awkward Dinner Parties, Nasty-Looking Jumpers, Sweaty Midnight Runs……Some Bricks……and an Unnnearthhhh...

The time travellers take Vicki to ancient Rome and squat in someone’s villa for a month where Ian and Babs shag like rabbits before she acts like a slut around a married man and he goes off to sink ships and attack people with swords. If that wasn’t bad enough, Vicki wanders round the emperor’s palace trying to poison everyone and the Doctor impersonates an assassin while encouraging someone to co...

A slavering, gangrenous vampire with a penchant for women’s dresses, fancy hats and dead leprechauns, lives in the sewers of Victorian London with his best friend, a chinese midget who likes to hide inside people’s pants. Now, if that’s not enough to get you contemptible slatterns interested, we’ll ask you this… What makes horses sick, has the brain of a pig, the eyes of a dragon, the teeth of a r...

It’s curtains for Kass, peril for Kerril and Chubb….erm…no, I’ve got nothing. They’re dead, anyway. Because deep in the deserts of mumblemumblemumble, the crewmembers of a giant travelling bucket and spade are being killed off one by one. But, since none of them actually like each other, nobody seems too bothered. They’re all too pre-occupied with themselves. Commander Uvanov plans to use the mone...

Dear 500 Year Old Diary It’s been an odd sort of day. For no apparent reason, I suddenly sprouted lots of extra invisible heads. I took them to the nearest jungle planet where they could roam free in the wild, unfortunately they started to eat everyone in a team-building survival course. The only woman in the group - who got lost on her way to a Xena: Warrior Princess lookee-likee competition - go...

Everyone has at least one skeleton in the cupboard and the Time Lords are no exception (although, since they don’t seem to have cupboards, he lives under the stairs). Gallifrey is about to fall under the dark influence of Chancellor Goth! Fortunately, Cardinal Punk, Castellan Hippy, Chief Co-ordinator Emo and Commander New Romantic are on hand to help and the Doctor soon realises that the only way...

Having abandoned his grand-daughter barefoot in the rubble-strewn wreckage of an alien world, the Doctor and friends go to another planet in search of someone they like more. Once they find someone (called Vicki) they shoot all the animals, force her only friend off a cliff and leave. Bastards.

In the rather annoying event of an alien invasion, it wouldn't hurt to follow these instructions. 1. Twist your ankle 2. Get captured 3. Run through London with a sour faced woman holding a chair 4. Squelch through the sewers taking great care to squash the Terrifyingly Tiny Alligator 5. Defuse a polystyrene bomb 6. Tear your jacket 7. Hide in a hanging-basket while a man in a bag falls of a cliff...

The second season hits the big time as the Doctor discovers that size IS important and stupidity and plot holes abound as the TARDIS crew are shrunk to the size of a baby’s fingernail. MARVEL at the giant earthworm. SHUDDER at the large wasp. Feel your SKIN CRAWL at the enormous fly. CRINGE at the ‘how to act in a matchbox’ scene and… STARE DUMBFOUNDED at ‘that’ telephone call. RUN AWAY at the pro...

Good Morning everybody, welcome to Wundatours! We shall be arriving at ElsBels shortly where we have a wonderful weekend planned. We shall be staying at a marvellous no star hotel that hasn’t been finished yet, staffed by humourously baffled locals. You’ll have plenty of time to enjoy sunbathing in the torrential rain and we have a charming outing to the local town where we have arranged for you t...

Surpriiiiise!

All aboard the Happy Wanderer for a quick round-the-world cruise. The first round of FloDears are on us….just don’t eat the cake.

It’s the Doctor’s turn to dress in someone else’s clothes this week as the final story of series one sees another tale of mistaken identity, this time set during the French Revolution. The Doctor and crew encounter burning buildings, prison cells, the guillotine, rats, riots, spying, assassination and a dirty shovel. One of them screams, one of them has a holiday, one has a feathered hat and one n...