theTimeVault

Okay Huey, take it away, 1…2…3…. The Power of Kroll is a curious thing Make a one man dead, make another turn green Just one part of a powerful whole More than sushi, that's The Power of Kroll No, the Doctor isn’t wearing purple pants and riding a skateboard but he has got waders, an imaginary flute, a TON of green paint and a plan to stop the biggest monster in the universe by poking it with a st...

Excellent, you're halfway there already, now the fourth segment can be found in—Oh you have? that was quick. Well, I’d better tell you a story about a prince and a princess then… He is going to marry her, but she isn’t her, she's her it, which only looks like her so he’s actually going to marry her it, only he isn’t because he isn’t him, he’s his it. He is actually being held prisoner next door to...

Campers are getting their rocks off in the woods, druids are getting stoned in the village hall, companions are enjoying real cliffhangers, old women are hitting monsters with truncheons and upper class over-dressed archaeologists are painting themselves silver and pretending to be a giant crow. But what’s the doctor up to? He’s talking to himself underneath a hairy head AND a hairy hat whilst get...

Servelan’s having a tea party. She hasn’t invited Avon but he’s going anyway; however, he needs a date, and the only woman he’s ever fancied is dead. That doesn't stop him though and he sets out to find her. Although, strangely enough, he can’t get her name right. While Avon’s busy with that, Vila’s creating an underground art installation and Dayna's dressing like a footballer’s wife and playing...

…Rancid vinegar lampshade! No, er Retro vaulting ladder? Arrgh! Anyway, erm yes the first key was a bit of green snot, and well done for finding that one by the way, I don't even want to know what you went through to find it. The second key is guarded by a lot of blokes wearing vomit yellow with a tendency to dial their Counselor Troi impressions up to 11. You’ll have to go to an evil fancy dress...

Vila quite fancies some leg….maybe a bit of breast. His new friend, Kerril, is desperate for some sausage. Avon’s looking to resupply his stock of devilled ham. And Tarrant thought he’d got prime beef, but he’s actually the scrag end. Again. Everyone comes to Bayban the Butcher! Except for Servelan. She’s gone to Ron’s copy place. Our Ron’s ever so good, he’ll do you several copies free of charge....

Yes, that’s right we have reached The Keys Of Marinus: Extended Edition. A white haired old man gives the Doctor and his companions no choice but to travel all over the place looking for six lost keys that, when brought together will blah-de-blah-de-blah… But beware! Do not give them to the evil black voord guardian yartek for he will use them for eeeeeeevill. The first key looks like a giant boge...

When the legendary insane genetically engineered masked swashbuckler known as Zorro loses all his money at the races, his permanently distressed girlfriend won't leave him alone. Nag, nag, nag, all day long. So, armed only with an endless supply of henchwomen, millions of dollars worth of real estate, a killer car wash, a mad scientist, every stick of dynamite in the universe and a balloon with a...

Are you ill? Do you suffer from common diseases, like influenza, diphtheria and death? If the answer to that question is yes, then this new miracle cure from Jekyll Pharmaceutikills is for you. Made from hormones and..erm..stuff, this green wonder liquid can cure all ailments! Simply take the daily recommended dose (several regular bottle-fulls whenever you feel like it) and before you can say ‘it...

Orac’s gone directly to jail without passing go and without collecting 200 credits, Vila hangs out with a shark on wheels, a snooty Victorian gentleman waggles his rod of truth in Dayna’s face and Cally goes on a night out with an invisible bald midget, ending up in his bed. On the first date? Talk about easy! While all this is going on, Tarrant Scourge Of The Galaxy (his full title) bungles a rob...

Mission To The Unknown has nothing to do with our intrepid heroes, they’re not even in it! Instead 3 men and a spiky killer cactus of doom kill each other so that they don’t have to listen to the disturbing, hideous SCREAMING coming from the jungle. I bet they’re longing for the peace and quiet of the desert. Which is precisely where the Doctor is. He’s in the deserts of ancient Troy, pretending t...

Vila’s living on a planet where the women only want him for his body, Cally’s learning how to be a space welder and Avon’s become the most inept captain of the Liberator, allowing the Federation to take control of it immediately…twice! Still, that doesn’t stop them from reuniting and replacing the crew members they can’t be bothered to go and look for. Maybe Blake’s Mini-Me and Avon’s pretend wife...

For his latest scheme, Blofeld’s been dragged all the way to Las Vegas but Bond doesn’t want to go after him, he’s getting too old for all this. To be franks, he goes all the way to Vegas just so he can visit a crematorium and he’s feeling burnt out. He gets his arse handed to him by a couple of disney characters, has a fight with a waiter over a bottle of wine and finds himself in the middle of a...

And the first prize for Sleepy English Village goes to… While the entire population has a Sunday morning lie-in, a handful of insomniacs, desperate to get some sleep, try all sorts of things to wear themselves out. Drinking, looting, kidnapping, bank robbing, inconsiderate parking, having babies, hiding in cupboards, running over sleepwalkers, blowing things up, crashing cars, stealing planes and...

The Doctor’s finally got fed up of Vicki hanging around doing nothing and has decided to get shot of her as soon as possible. So when he comes across an all-girl pop group called ‘Maggie and The Drive-In’s’, who’ve broken down on their way back from a gig at the G5 arena, he spots his chance and leaves her with them. After five minutes they force him to take her back. So he walks all the way to Wa...

There’s a good reason why The Time Lords don’t allow outsiders on Gallifrey.  As soon as Leela arrives she starts assaulting the presidential security forces and inciting the local farming community to riot.  Then she lets her dog off the lead so that he can go round biting people in the balls and widdling on the electrics. The electricians turn up but their extremely high charges come as a shock...

A wannabe TV chef with a penchant for eating animal vomit and dressing like a woman keeps waking up in muddy fields with a man who’s trying to get his camel across France in order to ask the neighbours to keep the noise down. There’s a man who lives in a clock, a woman eating dodgy mushrooms in an igloo and a hoax phone-caller who offers the strangest advice to people.

If there’s one thing guaranteed to raise Underworld’s reputation it’s Kate Beckinsale running around in a skin-tight black leather catsuit. Unfortunately, that’s a different Underworld. This Underworld has no sets, lots of beige, a comedy dog, a long lost sperm bank (sorry, ‘genetic inheritance’) and a bunch of idiots getting lost on a spelunking holiday wearing sausage hats and tin foil. There ar...

Dracula’s an idiot. We all know that he’s desperate for some eternal rumpy pumpy (let’s be honest, who isn’t?) and yes, he’s been resourceful enough to have found a mail order company that delivers brides by the crate-load, but that’s where his smarts end. He lives in a remote country house surrounded by a fence made of wooden stakes! His garden is full of vampire-lethal hawthorn bushes! His house...

Hey old buddy, I’m afraid we can only spend a few minutes at the Blofeld Memorial Sanctuary for Retired Evil Cats, we’ve got a wedding to go to remember. Yes, I’ve got the presents; a leg from you and a crispy drug smuggler from me. You’ll have to hijack a petrol tanker to get there on time and don’t forget, they like swearing so practice saying ‘bastard’ a lot. No, that’s it. Just remember to wea...

Whilst the Doctor commits credit card fraud, criminal damage and identity theft, Leela follows up a brief session of light bondage by having a steamy affair with a squeaky green-tinged midget. Things are soon interrupted though when a gang of protestors organise a sit in at the air conditioning plant, telling the tax collector to stick it where the suns don’t shine. Which just happens to be down t...

A Spaceman, a Monk, a Panda and a horny bloke called Sven. That’s certainly NOT the DVD I was expecting, I must have gone into the wrong shop.

Cheating landlords, sweaty barmaids, melting tramps, hysterical sluts, twitchy sex pests, burning dogs, an army of alien jelly disintegrating fields full of sheep….It’s amazing what I can see out of my upstairs window. Anyway, it’s now time for Night Of The Big Heat. I wonder what happens in it.