theTimeVault

(deep voice) Danger! Do not attempt to open this podcast the presenters involved are extremely hostile they feed off the Human psyche they seek out the deranged, the unbalanced and the emotionally crippled you have been warned!

A Fistful of Time Travellers – Doctor Who meets Carry On Cowboy as the time travellers look for a dentist in Westworld. After materialising in the stables, the Doctor tries to deal with rough, tough gunslingers at the O.K. Corral by calling them ‘my good man’ and ‘young fellow’, Steven demonstrates animal cruelty by strangling a cat in the saloon and Dodo reveals herself to be a concert pianist of...

They don’t make ‘em like they used to If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it Have you tried turning it off and on again? Cobblers! All of these sayings are important as we carry on where Lintilla, Lintilla and Lintilla left off, with a bit of sole searching.

Tarrant please start the music Justin please light the lights Now Sleer can raise the curtain on Bucol 2 tonight! Dayna is putting on make-up Dayna is dressing up right. She's keen to get things started in the secret underground genetic experimentation laboratory tonight. Avon, meanwhile has decided that he needs to get a-head of the game, he doesn’t want to shoulder all the responsibility but he’...

The Doctor and Romana travel to a French cafe where they drink a lot of Duggan Punch. It causes them to get a bit hyper and run around the streets of Paris playing chicken with the traffic, which is ironic because they find themselves locked in a cellar surrounded by a rare breed of reversible chickens which appear to have painted several copies of the same famous painting. It’s no good asking the...

Mornin’ sir, welcome to Davrust’s Used Carleds. You came just in time sir, only got four left, they’re rollin’ off the forecourt. All from the Dalek range, we got a Shout, a Boom, a Tippytoe and a Nasty. Ignore them ones over there, they... do not move. Now, I know wha’choor finkin; they’re dented, they’re scratched, the paintwork needs a lot of care and attention, but these travel machines will l...

Avon’s got a problem. His big end’s gone. But not to worry, he knows where the nearest Honda garage is. Unfortunately, it’s just been swallowed up by a much larger federation, and their director (who’s a real cutie, by the way), is discontinuing the Honda Rebel. Avon has no choice but to look elsewhere. His only other option is to steal a new engine from a load of joyriding battle clowns who like...

Welcome to the Annual General Meeting of the Agoraphobic Society. This year’s excursion will be through a magic door we’ve just discovered in the bathroom and there are a few things you’re going to need if you go through. 1 x seasoned onion, large 1 x bowl of cornflakes (wine-soaked) 1 x hard-earned pea 1 x yellow cable 6 x IQ points 3 x future selves If you have all of those, we’re ready to go. J...

When is science fiction not science fiction? When it involves unorthodox book behaviour, the best quiz show of all time, loft insulation, spanners for all occasions and somewhere to store tins of paint. Discuss.

The Doctor and his companions become trapped in the house of a man wearing a kimono who forces them to play games against a honker, a queen and a fat man in shorts. Whilst Fu Man Chu’s English cousin challenges the Doctor’s hand to a four-week long game of Space Jenga, Steven and Dodo must keep playing lots of games until Dodo learns to listen to the rules. There’s Total Blind Dead Wipeout’, Music...

Tarrant’s a pilot once more Dayna goes under the floor Avon gets caught in a war Vila just opens a door Soolin’s a very quick draw Cally is sadly no more Welcome….to series four

Goits, Gits, Gimps and Gimboids of all ages, gather round as we celebrate the 30th Anniversary of Red Dwarf. A scouse poet, an impressionist with big nostrils, a dancer and a stand up comedian who spends his entire time sitting down, live (and die) in a spaceship while being obscenely rude to each other and not meeting aliens. So, if you’re a white-hatted ponce, a 6-breasted Quagaar warrior woman,...

The Doctor, Steven and Dodo (unfortunately, this one’s not extinct) land in a jungle on a spaceship. The Human race lives in a draw and some mute, one-eyed ping pong ball swallowers with Beatles hair cuts suffer death by sneezing. The time travellers administer some Lemsip and leave…… Only to return immediately – hundreds of years later – to find the Human race are now slaves and the balls-in-mout...

The Star Cops see red as Krivenko lets yet another dubious associate run amok on the moon, Colin goes for a drive looking for an all-night chemists and Kenzy proves that there’s an art to policing (when she’s not throwing grenades at baggage handlers). But Commander Nathan Spring has had enough. He’s fed up with all the untidy bedrooms, fake driving licences, fumbling in the dark, illegal drinking...

Anybody need a hand? A snooty pianist is rather attached to both of his but his father’s murderer is looking to add them to her collection because she’s mistaken them for a different but identical pair of hands that belong to the same man who’s taken her three children to live in a cave on the moon where he plans to melt them and put it on youtube. David doesn’t want Nathan and his Pal to make eve...

Under discussion this month: Star Cops gets a second series, 31 years after the first! Tom Baker Is The Fourth Doctor David Bradley Isn’t The First Doctor New Who novelisations! Red Dwarf XII and a stage show?! Mike grumbles about Shada - again. Prepare yourselves for the Return of the Megadonkey...

Following the tragic, harrowing events of the Daleks Masterplan, the time travelling duo need a holiday. A nice, relaxing break in an idyllic locale maybe? Perhaps mixing with friendly locals, and even taking part in the charming traditions of the local festival wouldn’t be a bad idea……… So a 16th Century French BLOODBATH would be just the ticket. Let’s see, paranoid, suspicious locals? Check. Fil...

Forced to go on his hols, SPOF Commander, Nathan Spring is determined not to enjoy himself. After standing up a date, hiding in a cave, stabbing an Italian, insulting a policeman and taking some drugs, he goes back to work. Unfortunately for him, Kenzie’s job hunting, Theroux’s having a right old grump and Colin’s coated the walls with sweat. Intimidating a tiny doctor and running into a room full...

Under discussion this month: There is new(ish) Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy coming to the wireless. Are we happy about it and is Douglas Adams being everywhere at the moment a good thing? Red Dwarf co-creator Rob Grant returns with The Quanderhorn Xperimentations. Do we really need another version of Shada? It’s 30 years since the Seventh Doctor first appeared on TV, should we start fearing ou...

Can you think of a better way to celebrrrrrate the anniverrrrrrsary of a tv show you love than by talking overrrrrr it all the way thrrrrough while pointing out everrrrrrything it’s done wrrrrrong? No, neitherrrrrr can we! So herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre it is. Happy Anniverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrsary!

Servelan continues her relentless mission to kill all of her enemies’ family members in overly complicated and unlikely situations. This time, she’s after Tarrant’s brother, Tarrant. Now, if she can get him to look like a pornstar, dress like a power ranger, cram everyone into his head and play a deadly game of hide and seek with a badly named shortarse…. Still, while she’s busy with that, Avon is...

Something’s bugging SPOF’s Commander, Nathan Spring. Could it be the desperate Indian multi-millionaire inventor who likes weird poetry and extreme sales pitches? Could it be the paranoid American, Commander Griffin, who doesn’t like ‘yoo-ro-peens’ or SPOF but does like cigars and sexist chat-up lines? Or perhaps it’s the nosy Russian, Krivenko, who suspiciously wants to be everyone’s best friend?...

Whilst Servelan is busy (air quote) entertaining the troops, Tarrant and Dayna have been hired by the Blue Man Group to make an instructional sex tape for a giant, carnivorous brain that’s dressed as a glimmer globe covered in Toblerones. Wanting nothing at all to do with this, Vila lounges about practicing stand-up comedy. But when his efforts send a sleepy Avon and Cally quite literally out of t...

Reach across the stars with Nathan Spring as he takes command of the International Space Police Force (SPOF for short). He didn’t want the job, he wanted to settle down and have a family but since his girlfriend watered his plants all wrong, she had to go. So now he’s among the stars, having to deal with corrupt cops, a one-man Mad Max tribute act on roller-skates, a sarcastic traffic warden who g...

Congratulations, you’ve made it all the way to the end, I honestly didn’t think I would - er YOU would, i mean. Now, the last segment is disguised as a posh bird who’s lost her damp flannel. You'll have to argue with your shadow a few times and put up with a cockney git for much too long, but once you've managed that it’ll aallll be over. Well, maybe not quite. On a planet that isn’t there, you’ll...