theTimeVault

Welcome to Traken the happiest, most harmonious place in all of N-space. You’ve come at a bit of a bad time. Great Grandpappy Traken, King of Happiness, fell off his chair and died. Daddy Traken was supposed to take over as King but Mummy Traken hadn’t had her wedding night so she murdered Clever Uncle Traken and blamed it on Daddy. Old Auntie Traken, told Mummy to be King but Mummy was Maaaaaaddd...

A haunting documentary about Sir Mick Jagger’s eight children (by five women), five grand-children and one great grand-child…. They thought he was a drug-addled rock star, what they didn’t know was that in 1555, Nostradamus predicted he would raise an army, an army that would take over the world! The prediction goes: On December 31st, 2020. A Rolling Stones concert will take place, and the last no...

How many Emohawks does it take to change an alert bulb? That and a whole Legion of questions will not be asked in this edition of TimeVault. Instead you have to spend the whole time looking for a Red Dwarf because somebody’s lost one. But remember, when the Psiren sounds it means you’re Out of Time. So you may prefer to spend your time watching Revenge of the Surfboarding Killer Bikini Vampire Gir...

In this tharilling adventure, Adric’s lion about doing not very much at all, K-9’s got a bad case of time wind, and the Doctor’s hoping that the latest TARDIS faults haven’t made the warranty void. Romana’s not letting any of that bother her though, she’s found a nice empty little room with a comfy chair, some old photos and a pair of headphones and she’s well happy (probably listening to the Whit...

E-Space is well known for having the worst dental care of all the alphabet, so it’s no surprise that their state of decay has driven the Great Gumpire to set up a new clinic on ye olde fashionee world. He has a two point plan that seems a bit batty; he doesn’t use anaesthetic, just good old fashioned hypnotism, which isn’t in the least bit suspicious or kind of groomy. But fangs ain’t what they us...

It’s a lovely day, the sun is shining, birds are singing, rivers are boiling and swamps are bubbling. The perfect day for angry men to gather river fruits, for enthusiastic men to wash plums (before they’re roasted), for rebellious teenagers to grab someone's juicy melons and for young boys to be chased through the woods by older men (not for the last time, either). And then after a tiring day, lo...

Choose trains. Choose no actual trains. Choose candles. Choose an elderly arsonist. Choose magically refilling flower pots, trip wires, stroppy ghosts and layers of dust. Choose an empty hotel, seances and barbed wire doors. Choose a submarine. Choose role-play with a pretty woman. Choose arguments with a heartless bastard. Choose a face full of mincemeat. Choose a one-eyed cat and mouldy sandwich...

Now, don’t get tetchy but there’s still a few things you need to do first. Are you wearing a red and white gingham dress with army boots? Have you eaten an edible Pot Noodle? Have you given pleasure to the World for having a great arse? Good, did you get a couple of handmaidens to ritualistically oil your nipples? Okay, well, as you’ve only achieved exactly four percent of the list, you may now st...

It’s not easy trying to create a religion based on geometrical objects, you know. The Hexagon got lost in the post, the Octagon was eaten by the cat, the Nonagon never even happened and the Pentagon’s already been copyrighted. The Tetrahedron got wedged in the lift, the Cube was sent back because it was boring, there’s a Gaztak mercenary swinging on the Trapezoid and the Dodecahedron just shrank....

Leave your homework for a moment kid, there’s a giggling giant strolling through the house kicking down all the doors and a miserable git dumping all the food in your freezer. There’s a policeman knocking on the door, a couple of old soldiers running up and down the stairs, a hurricane in the kitchen and a fashion-conscious flirt burning all your stuff. I’d go and get your parents if I were you, t...

The Doctor and Romana have decided they need a bit of leisure time but everywhere’s booked solid and their last resort is the one remaining building in a war-torn wasteland (no dogs). Chucking K-9 in the sea, they go on holiday. Unfortunately, this particular holiday camp isn’t exactly a hive of activity; the staff keep dying of old age, the new owner hates people and has just bought a brand new 3...

During his gap year, a fashion student goes on a minor tour of the Greek islands only to get stranded on one. He gives the local mayor a sob story about his past and gets his own house if he promises to help them renovate the island. Instead, he digs a couple of holes in the back garden, invites a load of his mates round and orders a curry (Greek food gives him a sore throat). The locals can’t see...

The Scorpio family’s house burns down so they decide to go and stay with Granddad. But, as with all long journeys, they argue with each other so much that Mum and Dad get out and walk, taking little Vila and Dayna with them. As he’s only just passed his test, moody teen Tarrant keeps going, bumps into several other vehicles and ends up in a ditch. Trying to hitch a lift he meets a dirty looking ol...

A group of S and M fanatics (wearing gimp masks made from their mum’s tights) get lost on a skiing trip to the South Pole. they stumble onto a secret military outpost at the same time as the Doctor, Ben and Polly. When a new planet appears in the sky everyone goes a bit mental. The Doctor’s having none of it, though. He’s far too old for that sort of thing so he takes action….and has a nap, leavin...

Leaving the others to man the office, Avon and Vila take the company car to a meeting but it breaks down on the way back and they have a very serious argument about who’s going to walk home. Avon apologises with a fancy dress dinner party. But when Tarrant gets caught getting off with a hot punk girl under the coats, his parents are forced to take her home. Coming back in the wee small hours, they...

Arrr! Avast, ye scurvy landlubbers, we be the fearsome Podcasters of Penzance! The Doctor and his land-lubbing stowaways arrive in somethingth century Cornwall where a dodgy bloke tells the Doctor a secret. they go to the pub where the Doctor gets kidnapped by Cap’n Hook’s evil brother. Polly feels confused as to her gender preference when she and Ben get thrown in jail from where they promptly es...

An uptight scotsman, travels to a remote island where the locals are obsessed with fruit. He stays at an inn with the best room service in the world (you get more than breakfast in bed at this place). They invite him to trade with them; The landlord’s daughter offers him melons and a juicy peach in exchange for some plums but all he’s got is a cherry and he doesn’t want to lose that. So they show...

or Curly Chops and The Crack Muppets A cruise ship captain who’s clearly not getting paid enough and a grumpy git with spaceship envy find themselves literally stuck together after one of them drives the wrong way down the space lanes. But that’s the least of their worries… There’s a drug problem running wild on the ship. It’s high time somebody smoked out the culprits but the passengers are too b...

Put on a pair of comfortable shoes, take the battery out of your clock, sit on the floor where your sofa used to be and throw some jelly around the room. Oh and you might need a hard-hat, we’re about to go plot-holing. Yep, it’s time to talk about the Doctor Who adventure that’s so exciting, it doesn’t even get a name.

Sun, Sand, Sea and Sex…well two out of four’s not bad I suppose. Tarrant goes on holiday to a timeshare he’s booked from a guy called Vern, unaware that it’s been double booked with a very image conscious politician. Her weekend at Vernie’s is turning into a rough night when they discover her ex-boyfriend dead in the cupboard. So when You, Me and Him turn up looking for Vern’s hidden valuables, th...

The Doctor hatches a plan to finally rid himself of his most useless companion ever. He arrives in the swinging sixties and goes to a nightclub where he chats up a tramp, throws some shapes, picks up a dolly bird and a sailor and leaves with them in a taxi (the dirty old goat!). Then he hypnotises her into unconsciousness and has someone else dump her in a field somewhere in the countryside before...

It doesn’t matter if you’re a small, off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden or a man with three heads waiting for a lift; put down the double-polaroid, grab a banana and come with us to WaxWorld where we plan to talk to you about Red Dwarf IV. We can’t promise to be interesting but i’m afraid the only way out is the huge 10lb black-ribbed knobbler in the cupboard. So, before we begin… Would anybo...

Mystic Meg’s cosmic cousin needs help from the Doctor because he’s fallen down a hole and his only companion is Mr Blobby’s intergalactic pen pal, a huge green blob who can only communicate in single entendres. Things have been made worse because the hole is in the back garden of an upperclass murdering psychopath who’s not at all happy that she had to leave her face-painting appointment half an h...

Something’s got them all in a crabby mood. Could it be the fact that someone’s programmed their answer machine message to spout a load of gibberish? or that Dayna appears to have sand in her character trait? Maybe it’s the fact that some random old bloke’s joined the crew without anyone realising or that Tarrant’s beginning to smell faintly of wet blanket. Whatever the reason, playing some games i...

Apparently, TARDIS arrives somewhere nice for a change but as Dodo’s taking a lot of pent up tension and frustration out on Steven, the Doctor goes for a walk in the wilderness with nothing but a bottle of suspicious pills and something that, quite frankly, would be put to better use cheering up Dodo. Quite what he plans to do with them behind a bush, I don’t want to know. It turns out they’ve arr...