The Weekly Humorist Podcast

Citizens provide personal accounts of the other side of Donald Trump. Mary from Berkeley: I was at the zoo. There was a baby rhino that wouldn't drink its milk. None of the zookeepers were having any luck. Suddenly, a man emerged from the crowd that had formed. "Mind if I give it a shot?" It was Donald. He asked if I would hold his jacket as he climbed over the fence. He took that baby rhino, crad...

As dusk settles on a long day, a unique gathering commences. Nowhere in the world is more alive with energy than this place we visit today: the collaborative Google doc. And here, in this remote corner of the mighty internet, life thrives as an ecosystem of fauna commingles on the evening before a big client presentation. The first creature we're privileged to lay our eyes on is the Anonymous Fox....

When Donald Trump was elected president, America's honeymoon was officially over. He fanned the flames of division, and made it a point to split the country down the middle. And as with any separation or divorce, each side is due their community property. But how to decide who gets what? Well, here is your handy official guide: MAGA gets: Wal Mart Everyone else gets: Target MAGA gets: Kid Rock Eve...

Dear Family and Frenemies, We hope that you, like us, have had a wonderfully miserable holiday season. This year we have counted myriad blessings, unique new forms of torture, and many fulfilling career developments in the descendants of my bloodline. My son, Baron Vladimir Harkonnen reclaimed the Siridar Fief of Arrakis from the contemptibly kind Duke Leto, finally achieving his lifelong goal of...

1. Upchuck 2. Sense8 3. Iron Fist 4. Everything Sucks 5. Altered Carbon 6. Tuca and Bertie 7. Snowflake Mountain 8. Jessica Jones 9. Burna Boy 10. Doja Cat 11. Lil' Yachty 12. Everything Sucks! 2024 Coachella Act: 1, 4, 9, 10, 11 Canceled Netflix Show: 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, 8, 12

For the past several centuries, showers have overtaken our country. Showers have taken the phrase "April showers bring May flowers" and weaponized it to control an entire country of people. Now look at the state of the bathroom. It's a disgrace! Look at yourself in the mirror. There's pubic hair everywhere, there's black mold in the grout, and the water's rising because of a clog. You deserve a be...

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Pro: Won't get any new wrinkles. Con: Stuck with the existing frown lines. Pro: Can easily make new friends by turning them into vampires. Con: New friends will resent me for making them into vampires without asking first. Pro: Can sleep in as late as I want. Con: Won't get to see the sun. Pro: Will finally get over my fear of blood. Con: Will become obsessed with blood to an unhealthy degree. Pro...

Spring is here, and that means seasonal allergies are too. But your sneeze might not be due to springtime pollen. Allergy-like symptoms could also be: Common cold Sinus infection Flu COVID-19 RSV Monkeypox Measles Shingles Bubonic Plague Justinian Plague (making a comeback) An ancient disease from the thawing permafrost Exposure to toxic algal blooms, flesh-eating bacteria, brain-eating amoeba, or...

Dear Town Board of Trustees, When I heard the news that the park's famed statue of Confederate General Stonewall Jackson was scheduled to be torn down later this year, I was devastated. That weathered monument has had such a special place in my heart over the past twenty years, but not because I am some Confederate sympathizer, no. I am proud to say that it was the spot where I, as an inebriated y...

Apple is currently negotiating with Google to explore the possibility of integrating Google's Gemini generative AI engine into its iPhones. While an AiOS sounds like an exciting new feature, this idea does lend itself to some frightening possibilities. Your camera becomes overly enthusiastic, turning your phone into a relentless paparazzi that documents every moment of your life, whether you like...

In adulthood, the monkey bars become a rare and mythical concept. Like a unicorn, or a pickleback shot you don't immediately regret. But if you're like me, you're either looking to recapture a shred of your childlike innocence, or you're seeking revenge against Amelia, who beat you in the monkey bars contest in 3rd grade. Here are a few things you should consider. Invest in life insurance. This ha...

Fired from NBC, look for Ronna McDaniel to land on her feet at FOX News. Potential shows include: Inside Sedition Fox and No Friends Bigly Brother CSI: Mar A Lago No Truth or Any Consequences Big Steal or No Big Steal The Price is ALT Right The Evil Sorcerer's Apprentice To Never Tell the Truth

I still remember the best birthday I ever had. My girlfriend slept with my best friend. I got fired from my job. To cheer myself up, I bought a slice at my favorite pizzeria. I got food poisoning and was throwing up for hours. I had to go to the emergency room. The doctor who treated me was Lisa, the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. I asked her to marry me. She said no, and had another doctor t...

Kelsie R., 27, Business Development Manager, and Maverick, 5, Golden Retriever, enter their respective pods on Love Is Blind. A wall prevents them from seeing each other. KELSIE R.: Hi! Am I talking to Maverick? [MAVERICK whimpers and wags his tail.] KELSIE R.: I knew it was you! So, I thought about you all night after our last conversation. All I can think about is like, cuddling on the couch and...

My son (32M) and I have been arguing about this for ages. He says it's unfair of me to require total unwavering belief without offering the slightest shred of evidence that I exist. I say he needs to stop blaming ME for other people's suffering, despite the fact that I control the past, present, and future, that my will is all-encompassing, and that my plan cannot be deviated from. Some background...

I'm so glad I decided to step out of the house today. It's lovely! Makes sense that this is what all the poets are on about all the time. I'm so glad I went with Sylvia when she wanted to get her bike repaired. If someone like Sylvia can commit to biking every day, there's no way I can't. I am way more committed than she has ever been. I bet she'll last a week at most, just long enough for the nei...

The air is electric. Literally. We're software encoded into a dashboard console. But for the precious cargo we guide through the concrete labyrinth tonight, we are something more… Magic. It never gets old. The whinny of the ignition key. The growl of the engine. The DING-DING-DING of the warning lights, performing their cautionary symphony. And then, a sharply taken-in breath. A moment of contempl...

If you resist the wedding industrial complex and scrimp on everything for your special day, you might be able to afford a decent divorce. Combine events: Doing the bachelorette and the bridal shower on the same day makes a lot of sense actually, because both your high school friends and your grandmas have drinking problems. Nana can get down. That's what the double knee replacement was for. Custom...

Flight 74 to Los Angeles is now boarding at gate 22. We'll start by boarding passengers traveling with small children. If you're from Alabama, this includes frozen embryos. Please make sure your child has a valid ticket and is packed in an airtight container that can stay cold for the duration of the flight. We don't want your state's attorney general coming after us. Ha ha! Pregnant passengers tr...

The former bad boy of American journalism VICE is at death's door. The latest round of layoffs after many rounds of layoffs included the announcement that the news website will stop producing original stories as it explores new directions. Let's take a look back at the news publication that put the "hip" in "hipster douchebag." We Listened to Every Dead Kennedys Record and Now We Understand the Mi...

What's this? What's this? There's Guinness everywhere What's this? There's corned beef in the air. What's this? I can't believe my eyes, I must be dreaming Wake up, Jack, this isn't fair What's this? What's this? What's this? There's something so absurd What's this? There's people slurring words What's this? The streets are lined with little creatures laughing Everybody seems so happy Have I possi...

Hi. I'm St. Brigid of Kildare. Oh, you've never heard of me? What a surprise! I understand that there's recently been an International Women's Day in celebration of what was once called the fairer sex. How nice to see that the ladies are getting a portion of their due - and how enraging to see that as far as Saints' Days go, not one single blessed thing has changed. Everybody just looooves that sn...

Twice a year, dependent upon scheduling concerns, Earth's mythological creatures meet to discuss today's hottest celebrities, trends and other bits of pop culture phenomenon. Here is a transcript of a recent get together: Dave the Unicorn: Okay, are we ready to go ahead with the minutes? Is everyone here yet? Bigfoot: Well hang on for a second. Speaking of minutes, could we take a few to talk abou...