The Weekly Humorist Podcast

I get that you're on vacation at a destination AirBnB that includes a personal chef, for which you dropped some serious coin, nearly as much as I still owe for those two post-high-school years I was "finding myself" as a philosophy major. But I am a top-notch professional chef and you have opposable thumbs, so, like I've told everyone before you, you can go fucking microwave your own damn Hot Pock...

Due to recent campus events and world climate, Stanwyck College Alumni Weekend will look slightly different this year. But have no fear; we plan on having a robust schedule of events that will allow you to connect and reminisce with your old classmates. FRIDAY, JUNE 2 2 p.m. Campus Tours (Leaves from Stanwyck Statue) This will include a guided tour of our current protest encampments by current (an...

Washburn County Public School District Town Hall Meeting with Superintendent Rogers: Tuesday 6pm All right! Hey, look at this, you were all able to locate the meeting, even though we changed the date several times and really buried the livestream link. Great! Impossibly great. Let's get started. Thank you teachers, students, parents, bus drivers, members of the press, infrastructural hobbyists, in...

"The question, directed towards women, seems simple: Would you rather be alone in the woods with a man or a bear? A good number of women prefer the bear." ~CNN "Bumble to Users: You Need Sex. Users to Bumble: Get Lost." ~The New York Times Unless you've been living in a hole in the ground, you've probably already heard of me. I'm the Bear that a majority of women say they would rather encounter in...

To all the friends and family gathered here today, to all of the amazing professors, and most importantly, to my peers: My heart is full today as I look out and see hundreds of familiar usernames. I'm honored to have the opportunity to celebrate this milestone with you all. College is a unique experience. Uniquely formative, uniquely exciting, uniquely challenging, and let's admit it, uniquely sle...

Hey lovers! So much has changed in the field of human romantic relationships since I last wrote. Yes, it's only been a week, but we've got lots of new ground to cover. It's hard to imagine that relationship experts in the biblical era thought when butt-play was discovered in the ancient cities of Sodom and Gomorrah that we'd crossed the final threshold. Boy, were they wrong. Let's dive into the la...

April 24, 1964: New Jersey Garage Band Installs Remote-Controlled Door, Goes Electric Bob Dylan ditching the acoustic guitar at Newport was an attention grabber, sure, but few people know that it was predated by a New Jersey garage band going electric with a controversial choice of their own: installing a remote-controlled door. The door's pivotal role in the Morristown group's set that spring eve...

A Moveable Girl Dinner Forget the austere glamor of Hemingway's art and alcohol-fueled 1920's Paris - the 2020s have moved the (art?) enclave online, replacing weeks-long European travels and trysts with 20-year-old "girls" nibbling cheese, crackers, and a lone piece of deli meat ham rolled into the tiniest taquito. Alice's Activism in Wonderland Upon witnessing the Red Queen's abuse of capital pu...

"My anxiety service iguana ate my homework." "I couldn't get past the group of protesters in front of the school." "My homeroom teacher is still angry that I didn't call her the day after our night together." "My bullet proof vest was still in the wash." "Militia meeting ran late." "Parents arrested for storming government building." "I was pushed out of a window by Vladimir Putin." "Parents would...

Life is a high school prom and no one asked you to be their date. Life is a dream and you showed up to work wearing no pants. Life is an orgy and we're all getting screwed. Life is an ice skating rink and you wore flip-flops. Life is an orgy and everyone is getting screwed except for me. Life is an orgy and I'm standing awkwardly in the corner at the orgy snack table watching everyone else get scr...

To: @Trump2024 Cc: @RudyColludy, @UberfuherMiller, @ThatMTG, @TwoShirtsBannon We're looking at the numbers on the "May the Fourth be with You" meme we shared on Twitter, er, I mean X, no, wait "Truth Social," and they are insane! People love seeing the President portrayed in a copyrighted fantasy setting! Trump with a red lightsaber! Lifetime ruler alert! We're working on a video follow-up: Pictur...

Thank you for your interest in my babysitting while you travel for the next seven days. If this is going to work, we must set ourselves up for success by laying out conditions that I find acceptable. I can babysit a maximum of one child. The child must be older than a toddler. The problem with toddlers is that they are prone to accidents, tantrums, and so forth. The child must be younger than a mi...

Ancestry Southern European - 62.3% Northwestern European - 29.3% Sub-Saharan African - 0.4% Self-esteem - <0.1% Butter - 1 cup Traits 1. Michael, people with your genetic result tend to have an increased chance of being annoyed that your neighbors still haven't taken in their recycling bins even though it's been four days! Like, why is that so hard? 2. Michael, you are not likely to correctly p...

When I first saw a picture of an axolotl, smiling cherubically like the baby Jesus swaddled in a blanket made of puppies and peekaboo, I knew I needed to have one. As one of Topeka's Top Pops of TikTok, an adorable axolotl is critical to my work. My mission is to single-handedly create a global culture of mindful parenting, inspire a love of science, restore good manners, end alopecia, and launch...

Asymmetrical. His friends will FAWN over this fashionable flop-top! Fringe. He'll STAGger in this sexy Southwestern style. Side-swept. White-tail buck? More like red-hot hunk! Blunt. DOEn't sleep on this courageously curt coif! Curtain. Oh DEER, the '70's are back! Tiny. A short style will tell the whole herd they've just been CERVID! illustrations by Katy Maiolatesi

Karen Oak Meadow • 2 wks ago This is an open letter to my neighbor on Pine Creek Lane about respecting boundaries. I'm not gonna name him but it rhymes with Harry. This morning my dog Moe was whimpering and distressed, so I checked the Ring video and saw disturbing footage of you on my driveway carrying my morning paper. I appreciate your moving it off the gutter, but your actions triggered Moe to...

Thank you for purchasing the Sayer 14-inch gas powered chainsaw! We realize you have many choices for heavy duty cutting and severing appliances to buy when you reach a certain age of so-called maturity and we appreciate that you've chosen a Sayer to help scratch your aging itch. We've been manufacturing and selling quality chainsaws for almost 60 years for everyone from the professional logger to...

No stranger to courting controversy with Donald Trump, Elon Musk or Shane Gilles, SNL's host was Covid-19. Lorne Michaels was quoted as saying, "The idea behind the show was always to highlight what is currently happening in the culture, regardless of politics, celebrity popularity or a virus that killed over seven million people." Cast members reacted on social media with the announcement. Bowen...

Tabloid publisher David Pecker says he pledged to be Trump campaign's 'eyes and ears' during 2016 race. Buying and killing Trump stories that might hurt his Presidential campaign. A few you've heard of, Stormy Daniels, Playboy model Karen McDougal…but a few you might not have yet… Donald Debuts New Diamond Flecked Merkin At Epstein Island Soiree Trump's "Mushroom" Not As Fun As Other Types Of Mush...

Up Before The Byrds New Order in My Morning Pill Lineup RUSH to Bingo Jane's Golden Girls Addiction Tears for Fears of What Will Happen If I Don't Forward This Chain Letter Booming Talk Radiohead The Who? Cypress Over the Hill Double Trouble Opening a PDF NWAARP The Walk-In Tub Doors NSYNC with this Cruise Ship's Buffet Rotation Cheap Trick-or-Treaters Also Get Toothbrushes The White-Haired Stripe...

1. Propose trust falls as a team-building exercise, then let them hold you there with your head back for a bit. 2. Put a mask on and make others feel bad for not doing so. 3. Explain that a recent article in the Wall Street Journal reported that bloodletting increases productivity. 4. Say it's just allergies. 5. Cover your mouth with prayer hands, look to the floor for several minutes, and then, o...

Q: If you had one piece of advice for making a great Seder, what would it be? A: Dude, it's in the title. Don't bring up Israel. Q: How long should the Seder be? A: Ideally, it should consist of a 30 second summary of the Passover story before moving on to food. In actuality, it'll be about 19 hours of story during which your father will expound at length about how medieval rabbis disagree about t...

Nike's reveal of their new Team USA uniforms were met with some surprise last week, when the female bottoms barely covered the genitals of the athletes. Product Name Pitches For The New Team USA Women's Olympic Uniform Hoo-Ha Hammock Red, White, And Bush Crotch Canoe Victorious Vulva Viewer Box Blaster Lady Liberty Labia Lance Beaver Balance Beam USA FUPA Finder Clitoris Concealer Patriotic Pussy...

Preferred Schwarzenegger on The Apprentice. Appears to be an actual Christian, rather than a Trump Christian. Elderly man with full head of hair and a naturally healthy complexion. Nazi related tattoos and clothing (although pull aside and arrange possible future speaking engagements at upcoming Trump rallies) Female juror who was a 5, at best a 6. Became agitated and had to be removed when he rea...

Fundrelshut (adj) - Describes a food that is perfectly boiled. Omaditenadvizen (noun) - When your Oma tells you to choose a more practical career path. Roschteschiser (adj) - Used to describe a strikingly life-like Haribo gummy bear. Volklpaß (noun) - A family that owns only one Volkswagen, despite having quite a large garage. Fustlaugern (verb) - To go as quickly as one can while riding a public...