The Weekly Humorist Podcast

Powdered Eye Of Newt Advanced arm wrestling ability upgrade. Skin Shavings From Recently Deflowered Warlock Up to 50% off your regular car insurance. Feather Of A Witch's Familiar Ability to suddenly understand the appeal of The Bachelor. Distilled Cupid Tears Akin to the shingles vaccine, but with a slight sour cream and cheddar aftertaste. Pickled Antichrist Placenta Sharpens up your tennis swin...

Hi Stuart. Thanks so much for meeting with me today. Can I get you a large tap water or anything from the counter? They all know me here. No? Okay, great. Thanks for accepting my Facebook Messenger request. I can't believe we haven't hung out since sophomore year in high school! Me? Man, I'm so busy these days with Sandra working full time. That's my mom. Every week I have to power through whateve...

HusbandAI Everyone knows that Tesla loves the ladies - especially those hideous feminists who can't even pay a man to stick around. Now those spinsters can enjoy HusbandAI, a device made for cats to wear, and jezebels to enjoy. Simply strap your cat, probably named Ryan Gosling, to the HusbandAI, and finally, a man will talk at you. HusbandAI tells you the sweet nothings any spouse would, such as...

A Tale of Two Cities (A Philly cheese steak with Bologna) The Grapes of Wrath (When you're allergic to grapes but can't help yourself from indulging in buttered cinnamon raisin toast) Oliver Twist (If your name is Oliver and you want turkey on challah) The Lord of The Rings (If you happen to come from a landowning British family and want half a dozen everything bagels with cream cheese) The Catche...

Ready for House of Dragon season 2? Do you remember who's a Targaryen and who's a Hightower? Do you remember the name of a single dragon from season 1? Do you even remember what streaming service the show is on? Neither do I. But I know I subscribe to it. Because my Visa bill says I subscribe to ALL of them. 1. Vermax 2. Youku 3. Xumo 4. Syrax 5. Meleys 6. Tidal 7. Mubi 8. Caraxes 9. Vhagar 10. Pl...

Piledriver? I hardly know'er! Texas Hold 'em Poker? I hardly know'er! Buster Keaton? I hardly know'er! Incubator? I hardly know'er! Sandpaper? I hard'y know'er! Cheesegrater? I hardly know'er! Particle accelerator? I hardly know'er! Pez Dispenser? I hardly know'er! Everlasting gobstopper? I hardly know'er! Get to the chopper? I hardly know'er! Fifty-two-inch blade, seventeen horsepower zero turn l...

Although it's often overlooked, Father's Day is truly one of the most important holidays of the year. Being a father is a full-time job (and an incredibly difficult one as well). Which is why, this Father's Day, I would just like to take some time to thank the one man in my life who supported me, cared for me, and single-handedly turned me into the thoughtful and conscientious person that I am tod...

Project Manager Eating Healthy, Crunchy Meals Off Mute During Zoom Call Presentations: Food fuels the body, so it's essential to be eating healthy, whole, and nutritious foods during the work day. But what if you have back-to-back Zoom presentation meetings? Eat the crunchiest, loudest fruits and vegetables on your Zoom calls while you present, and before you know it, you'll not only have more ene...

Start with, "They were the life of the party." No one needs to know they were never invited. Be sure to mention that the dearly departed was surrounded by loved ones. Lonely corpses are sad. Note that they "died peacefully." Last breath tantrums are unappealing. "They died doing what they love" is a good line. Who are we to judge? Who doesn't adore cancer, car crashes, self-inflicted gunshot wound...

Boy Scout flag We learned how to tie all the knots, but we did not learn how to untie them. Please send help. Girl Scout flag We're out of cookies. Wisconsin flag We're out of beer. Florida flag Florida Man currently vacationing in Nantucket. California flag Some of our bears mate with geckos, and their offspring consequently walk on the ceiling. Jolly Roger flag Come aboard and take yer booty bac...

1) Purchases of t-shirts by your husband from beach breweries will never exceed the amount of decorative whale pillows you purchase from artsy beach stores, even if it feels like it. 2) There are only two conditions when it's acceptable to suggest to your husband that he purchase a new bathing suit at the beach: 1. He accidentally left the one bathing suit he owns at home. 2. You, or a random pass...

Don't contact anyone from the spirit world who hasn't watched the last several seasons of The Bachelorette, or you'll be up with them half the night. You must keep your hands clasped together with the hands of those on either side of you during the seance; no playing grab-ass beneath the table. If the departed spirit had been lactose intolerant during their time in our realm, make sure not to serv...

Last summer our @NatlParkService account was famous for warning people about bears in National Parks. But we're not just about bears. And you tourists are not just about trying to pet bears. TIPS: Please do not kick the bison. This whole thing about "Are you safer in the woods with a man or a bear" - you know that's a pithy commentary on today's society, right? Indeed, we might even say a commenta...

Hi there! Nice to have you all here in my home. First tossup is worth 15 minutes of my attention. Category is "animal sounds." Piper? Squeak! No. Roger? Caw! That's it! Roger Sajak from right here in Los Angeles. Says here you're good friends with the other falcons down the street at Drew Carey's? Caw! Caw! Gotcha. Next we have Piper Sajack from - look at that - Los Angeles. I'm told you're a big...

Surprise! It's me, your first sunburn of the season. I know, it's a little soon, but I'm here, and quite frankly it's too late to try and stop me, so you might as well just get used to it. I can tell that you're pretty unhappy right now, and look: I get it. You get one nice, mild, sunny day and you decide to spend it outside. That's great! But next time you wish to relish in the beautiful weather,...

"'I like a real man': Jerry Seinfeld says he misses 'dominant masculinity'" - NBC News 5/30/2024 What is it with men these days? What's going on there? Back when I was a kid, men used to go to war, now they go to "therapy." That's an interesting racket isn't it? You pay a stranger 400 dollars to complain for an hour. It's almost like it was specifically invented for women. Do they give you advice?...

1. India 2. Norway 3. China 4. Israel 5. Japan 6. Italy 7. Germany 8. New Zealand 9. Brazil 10. UK 11. Mexico 12. Ireland 13. France 14. Canada 15. Turkey Disney World EPCOT Center Pavilion Country: 2, 6, 7, 13 Country Felon Trump Banned From Visiting: 1, 4, 8, 9, 12, 15 Both: 3, 5, 10, 11, 14

In the future, all animated movie roles will be voiced by Chris Pratt. Every new and rebooted cartoon character will be Prattified, stripping them of their known timbres and inflections to instead don the casually masculine attitude of one Chris Pratt. Mickey Mouse, Shrek, and every single Minion will sound like Mario, Garfield, Emmet from The Lego Movie, and one of those blue guys from that Pixar...

I woke up on my 28th birthday feeling like shit. It was not the hangover, nor was it the dread of inching closer to 30, which isn't even a thing anymore because everyone is all stoked to turn 30 now (apparently you finally figure out which pants don't look like absolute shit on you and also how to enjoy sex. It sounds fucking sick and frankly I can't wait.) What I'm talking about is that unmistaka...

You're a terrible person. You think terrible thoughts and do terrible things. You hurt the people you love, and you once climaxed to the Mucinex monster when a banner ad popped up at the worst possible time. Nobody knows this better than your therapist. You've loaded them up like a Pez dispenser with life-ruining stories about yourself, so it's just a matter of time until they try to blackmail you...

Bluey, that Australian animated television series about two cute puppies and their over-indulgent parents, has made everyone cry with their recent extended-length episode, "The Sign." With the overwhelming success of that, the show is now encouraging the production team to start working on new and edgier episodes, coming in 2025: Nana Goes to the Farm When Nana gets hurt chasing cars, Mum and Dad...

Double Jeopardy Latte Maxwell House Detention Fresh Grounds for Appeal KKKona Grounds Zero On Ice Coffee 7/11 to Life Mister Cofeve Putin Double Shot of Java in the Head Handcuffeinated Elliot Nesspresso Russian Coffee Brewskis Prison Brew Crew Cup of Joe Stalin Pardon My Mocha Arrested by a Coppuccino

Glade Plug Ins Not intended to be used a butt plug, according to ER personnel. The Destroyer What was this supposed to have destroyed? My relationship with my husband? Okay, maybe. But my genitals are none the worse for wear. Vibrating Egg Didn't really care for it. Felt really weird, and kind of gross. Still, a funny prank gift for the kids when Easter rolls around! Strawberry Passion Deluxe Body...

Dear Neatfreak, Since you decided to go from a Felix Unger to Oscar Madison last year and be a slob, I've been meaning to give you a piece of my mind. So you are no longer tidying up? You say your three tots are turning your house upside down, emptying cereal boxes and filling diapers up to and fro? Well, tough cookies. Serves you right for making us throw things out and fight over what to do with...

As the Arizona Fake Electors indictment has been unsealed, the obvious next step is to identify which Cryptids, mythological or genetically modified beings that have never been scientifically confirmed, were present at the January 6 Insurrection. This comprehensive list compiled over two years of extensive research including Department of Justice documents, Capitol Police footage, and a grainy for...