The Weekly Humorist Podcast

"Let's cut right to the chase: J.D. Vance has not fucked a couch." -The Cut, 7/24/24 I want to take this opportunity to set the record straight. I am a Raymour & Flanigan couch, and I did not have sex with Republican Vice Presidential candidate J.D. Vance. To be more specific, I am a Ashley Furniture Miravel Queen Sofa Sleeper. And although the rumors linking me with Mr. Vance are entirely fal...

1. Use deodorant. 2. The comic book characters you see aren't real, they can't hurt you. Unless it's someone in a costume, in which case they can hurt you. 3. There are many things you can say to a celebrity when you go to their signing booth but admitting that you used to fantasize about them every night before going to sleep is not one of them. 4. Buy something from an indie booth, they'll go ho...

OMG, you guys! I just had the most brilliant, original, hilarious, and logistically plausible idea. Saturday Night Live should bring back that cast member I liked from well over a decade ago to play a public figure that's currently in the news every week! We all remember how much we loved it when that cast member was on the show. I'm sure that person is totally available, and would love to drop ev...

My father is a good man. His domestic policy work has been outstanding: against all odds, he was able to negotiate an extra half-hour of TV time on school nights, against fierce opposition from my mother. Not to mention Taco Tuesday. His work outside the home has also won praise. He took me to a water park once with a HUGE slide called "The Cobra." The sign said, "Must be 8 Or Older" (I am only 7)...

Quality time with loved ones? Unfulfilled career goals? That international trip that got cancelled at the start of the pandemic? Maybe a few years ago those things would have made the list and haunted me. But now? Probably not top fifty. I can't die yet. I need more time. Must…click…keep…watching. My regrets if I go??? 1. Not watching Peaky Blinders. 2. Not watching Outlander. 3. Not watching Snow...

Did you clean your room? I do not own this house. My name is not on the mortgage. Therefore, if it's not my house, it's not my room. Is that your dish in the sink for the last three days? It is a dish from a large collection of identical dishes, spheroidal in shape, from Target's 2016 Marimekko collection. The only way to differentiate whose plate was whose is to analyze the smeared remains accrue...

8:43 am - 9:36 am Crawl out from beneath pile of toys in this stupid asshole kid's toy chest. Fucking heavy and unwieldy Deluxe Simon game! 10: 40 am - 11:16 am Hang out at Corvin Senior High to stalk my latest victim. Pretend to be just a doll in the senior ladies dressing room to catch a few peeks. 11:49 am - 12:38 pm Violently force terrified agents to destroy footage of my Jan 6th involvement....

Body modifications are pretty popular. People are literally covered in 'em. But there are still a few gaps ripe with possibilities. Be the Christopher Columbus of fashion and bring creativity to the virgin territories of your body. Eyeballs You want to be different? What about the whites of the eyes? Come on. You're wasting prime real estate. What better way to express individuality then with some...

1. What a tool 2. Cynical asshole 3. My God, what an idiot 4. Jackass 5. What a wuss 6. Never Trump guy 7. American Hitler 8. Dumbass! Dumbass! Dumbass! 9. Loser 10. Immoral 11. Never liked him 12. Nut job Ways JD Vance Has Described Trump: 2,3, 6,7,10, 11 Insult From 'That 70's Show:' 1,4,5, 8,12 Both: 9

1. Micawber 2. Medvedev 3. Rybakini 4. Sirtaki 5. Wirrah 6. Jabeur 7. Musetti 8. Bebung 9. Djokovic 10. Tektite 11. Paolini 2024 Wimbledon Finalist: 2,3,6,7,9,11 Scripps Spelling Bee Word: 1,4,5,8,10

Oklahoma has just six spots to go be ranked 50th in public education in the United States. And fifty out of fifty is 100%! Not to be outdone by Louisiana's requirement to violate the Constitution by posting the Ten Commandments in public school classrooms, the Oklahoma superintendent of public education announced in June 2024 that every classroom will have a Bible, and every course in grades five...

Your new voodoo doll is not a small dog; please do not dress it in a variety of cute outfits. I can't believe that we still have to say this, but do not allow voodoo dolls to share needles. Are you crazy?? Absolutely do not play hacky sack with your voodoo doll. Please do not display your voodoo doll with your Beanie Babies; it's just insulting. Do not use your voodoo doll to murder the person who...

To: Lewis Dodgson, CEO CC: Board of Directors Jim Ackins Asmir Queionueion Dave Smith Hiro Acukau D.P. Waters From: Gwen Tokken, V.P., Parks & Attractions RE: Jurassic Park Colleagues, I know it wasn't Biosyn Genetics intention to own the property known as "Jurassic Park" but with the buyout of InGen for their medical and cloning research, the deal was structured to include Isla Nublar and the...

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From the creators of The Boys, Fuller House and Just Like That comes the newest binge-worthy Netflix original hitting streaming this summer: Principal's Office. If you love The Office even half as much as me, I assume you'd be thrilled to be reunited with all of your favorite coworkers. But what if I told you, this time, they're all in high school! This 10 episode miniseries is the The Office preq...

Hey, everyone. I'm really nervous to do this today. I haven't spoken up before. My name is Sunshine, and I'm addicted to taking MDMA 3 to 4 times a year. This works out to almost once a quarter, although sometimes, work and other obligations get in the way. What that means is three, sometimes four, times a year I am guaranteed to have a really fun night out. I find myself in the throngs of the gro...

Attn all professional mohrls, Please be aware of boils. Some babies are cursed, With pustules that will burst, And that stuff can really soil. Here are a few simple facts , Re sculpting with ear wax: It requires a gentle touch , And this may be a bit much, But makes delicious snacks. Please be aware of narcs, Specializing in skid marks. You can have no doubt, They will rat you out, And consider it...

Out, but what does that mean? Makes you feel safe at first until you realize it's slowly eating away at your self-confidence Foul mood (caused by pointlessly arguing with opposing team fans) Unfair ball, reflecting the arbitrariness of this game, all games, and life in general Time is fleeting, and you really should make that doctor's appointment you've been putting off Home run, but it still does...

"Mayor Adams' latest city budget proposal would pump more than $62 million into hiring new NYPD officers - but keep in place a similarly sized spending cut to New York's public library systems that their leaders say could deal an existential blow to their branches' ability to operate."-New York Daily News As a spokesperson for Mayor Adams' office, I want you to know that we remain more committed t...

Oh, thank you, valiant prince for conquering the lair of the evil Malvusta and saving me from my peril. No mortal man has ever defeated her foul beasts and wicked magic. Such gallantry will surely be spoken of in legends for millennia. You are literally my knight in shining armor, just not someone I see being with long-term. Look, it's not you. You're a really great guy for doing all this, and any...

Sex robots will simply break your neck quickly during intercourse. Presumably robots are too smart to allow reality tv to continue. Another chance to wear your Sarah Connor cosplay outfit. You very well could end up as someone better than you are now in the matrix. Your dead human flesh could possibly be used in the creation of a killer cyborg by the robot overlords!! So cool!! As a member of the...

The role: Friend. Bring your A-game, as this could be the gig of a lifetime for you. Literally. The casting directors: My husband Rusty and myself, aiming to prove that it is possible to make new friends after the age of 40. The setting: Our kitchen table. (Excerpts from the directors' notes follow.) Auditionee #1 - Sarah T. Sarah made a strong first impression. When asked how she liked her coffee...

You recently took a ride in our elevator. Customer satisfaction is very important to us. Please help us by completing this five minute survey to tell us about your experience. What was the main purpose of your elevator trip? Business Pleasure Just taking a test drive Get away from my spouse/roommate Which answer best describes your experience riding this and other elevators? This was my first time...

Hey guys, thanks so much for joining me again today! As you know, I usually focus on skincare and fitness regimens here, but a lot of you have been asking about my getting-away-with-multiple murders routine, so without further ado, here are my hacks. (Laughs) I'm so bad! Ok, first things first, you're gonna want to run with a crowd of similar-looking friends who all have similar-looking significan...

"Louisiana has become the first state to require that the Ten Commandments be displayed in every public school classroom, the latest move from a GOP-dominated Legislature pushing a conservative agenda under a new governor." -AP News, 6/20/24 1. You shall have no other governors before Me, Governor Jeff Landry of the great state of Louisiana. 1. You shall not make for yourself a carved image - any...