The Weekly Humorist Podcast

If a bear charges you, the most important thing is to try and remain calm. It's understandable that this can be hard, but it's pertinent in making your exit as smooth as possible. Did you make a loud noise and startle the bear and he simply wants you to leave? Did you intrude upon the bear's territory? As with most problems, the simplest explanation is usually correct. Wildlife researchers at the...

He's got some bear meat he has to use FAST! He pretty much knew he was doomed when Aaron Rogers turned him down. Now he has more time to do his dream job: professional prankster. He plans to follow Taylor Swift around the world to court the Switfty vote in 2028. He hears they are looking for volunteers to go to Mars. Hoping to replace Jimmy Kimmel on late night tv. He realized that Kennedys don't...

With our first baby due in just a handful of months, there's been considerable discussion about how this newborn will affect our daily lives. In fact, it's been the topic du jour for friends, family members, and coworkers, all of whom have children, and are quick to caution about how drastically different things will be once our kiddo comes. With heartening and helpful phrases like "Lookout!", "Yo...

Amazing Spider-Man #465 When his Spidey-sense goes crazy, warning him that Mary Jane has discovered his secret stash of Norwegian scrotum torture porn, Spidey decides to patrol the city for another hour or two before returning home. Justice League #827 The other members of the league are suspicious when Batman claims to have originally "rescued" Robin from Epstein Island. Green Lantern #539 Green...

I do remember them days, clear as ever. Them green ol' days when you could grow sound in a garden. Grew korn, and spelled it right too. Grew melons, blind as my third eye. We'd make jam out of pearls. Mixed it all up and boy your lips would be a'flamin'! Son, back in my day, bizkits were limp, nary a pumpkin wasn't smashed, and systems were actually made from a real down. Can you believe it? But d...

Many know me as R.L. Stine, the creator of the Goosebumps series of children's horror books. I've even been called the kid's Stephen King. And while I'm very proud of my career as a prolific writer and fantasist who has influenced millions of young people's lives, I want you all to know that I've not only written hundreds of books, I've also crushed a ton of librarian ass. Of course, I'm a profess...

Q: Why has my man just purchased a home brew kit? A: He's a man's man who loves nothing more than the union of his two great loves: creating something with his calloused hands and downing an icy cold frothy. Q: We've been together for over ten years, and he's had no interest in beer until a month ago. How is beer suddenly a "great love?" A: Beer is the golden nectar of the gods. Some scholars have...

"In a newly resurfaced clip, Vance seemingly agreed with podcast host Eric Weinstein that 'the whole purpose of the postmenopausal female' is to help raise children." -The Daily Beast Embryo: Plant itself in a comfy, little part of the uterus. Make sure everyone knows you are a person instead of just a lump of cells, which, if anyone asks, you are definitely not. Just so that part is super clear,...

It started with my blue cardigan sweater from JCPenney. I woke up in the middle of the night and saw Wolverine and Deadpool yanking it out of my closet. They must've broken in. I pretended to be asleep. I mean, have you seen Wolverine's claws? And Deadpool's double katanas? Those spandex-clad psychos could've skewered me. Anyways, they ran off with my cardigan. So, the next day, I triple bolted my...

Queef Reef A swingers resort located near the beach begins to lose members to man eating sharks, until a retired gynecologist discovers that underwater queefs keep the terrifying creatures at bay. 3 Headed Piranha Vs 3 Headed Lifeguard The 3 Headed Piranha has finally met it's match against the 3 Headed Lifeguard, until the latter unfortunately dies from complications due to his tragic deformity....

Dear Boss, I have been working at Rental Mania Video for 30 years. For much of this time, as you know, I've harbored the ambition to be Employee of the Month. True, I must first convince you to start naming an Employee of the Month. You've never wanted to. But the video-rental business has slowed down. We're the last video store in town, and it's just the two of us working here now. I've always be...

MSDECA Make Seats at Drinking Establishments Comfortable Again! The radical owners who run these places, they're doing horrible - horrible! - things: aluminum stools with no cushions, no backs, no footrests. Stools without any of that or the ability to swivel. You can't even swivel, folks. Not good. Do they really think looks are more important than comfort? That's what it looks like. It does. But...

1. Did not know him before last week but am now his number one fan. 1. Evokes a patriotic pride I didn't think I was capable of feeling. 1. Just what the country needs at this moment in time. 1. Glad I don't have to do what he does. 1. I'm open to him being my roommate. 1. The glasses-wearing community thanks him. 1. I'm excited to watch him continue to crush the competition. 1. I love his cat. 1....

There are plenty of hot people out there besides your friends' moms and dads! BILF: Brother I'd Like to Fuck SILS: Sister I'd Like to Smash GILP: Grandma/pa I'd Like to Pleasure AILS: Aunt I'd Like to Sext HSILC: Half-Sibling I'd Like to Catfish GUILDH: Great-Uncle I'd Like to Dry Hump SCILSOF: Second Cousin I'd Like to See on OnlyFans SAILBUW: Step-Aunt I'd Like to Bump Uglies With CAILPMF: Casua...

You've seen news headlines about climate protesters in museums throwing soup at priceless artworks and wondered, who are these forward-thinking geniuses? That would be us, "Just Stop Oil", the only global organization dedicated to climate action and soup propulsion. We at JSO are so dedicated to the battle against man-made climate change, we will not stop until the planet becomes carbon-neutral or...

Hey, are you Jamie? So nice to meet you! So rare for people to look like their Tinder photos, right? Man, these drinks are taking forever. I'll just hop behind the bar - I'm helping, they're obviously slammed. Want to see me juggle three shakers? Watch th-Ouch, damn it! Don't worry about me, my head is totally fine. Strong guys don't get concussions. What's your name again? Jormie? No, I don't nee...

The 2024 Olympics are bringing in lots of money and crowds, but there will be a whopping 329 medal events which can be quite overwhelming. While we would love to recommend events to axe, the problem is that the Olympic committee doesn't subtract events. Therefore, there's only one solution: Ramp up the boring ones. And remember, the 2024 Olympics take place in France, the inventors of the word "En...

I couldn't take it any longer. I'm not weird! I'm not! But nothing could make them stop calling me that. Not even when I responded to the "weird" accusation by informing them that that's such a feminine and unvirtuous line of attack. And so I decided to shift the narrative back in my favor: insult the mixed race vice president of the United States, and be called racist once again. Before going on...

Make Sure To Read This Checklist Before Buying A Used Car! Do your research to see if anyone was ever murdered in the car. If so, the ghosts of the victims may not get along with the ghosts of the people who you plan to murder in the car. Does the car come complete with a baby seat in the back? Great! But where is the baby that goes into the seat? Don't be afraid to barter here. You could sell a b...

Brat girl summer? What a pitiful display of mediocrity, inspired by an album that can only manage a third-place debut. Embracing imperfections and chaos is the creed of the weak, not the mighty. Doom does not settle for low-res Arial fonts and lime green backgrounds either. This trend is as fleeting and insignificant as the summer breeze. Another insipid season of "The Bachelorette"? The desperati...

The outrage over the Olympic opening ceremony has reached such a peak, angry Christians announced they are creating their own Olympic-style games which will be wholesome and semi-non-domination. The group have released a partial list of events planned for the first HOlympics: Hop skip and ascend Donation Basketball Power walking on water Deacon-thalon 44 Transubstantiation 100 mitre Dash Good-mint...

"Sen. Tom Cotton (R-Ark.) said Sunday that President Trump was "obviously making a joke" when he urged Christian voters to vote for him in November and that, if they do, they "won't have to vote anymore" because "everything" will be 'fixed.'" -The Hill, 7/28/24 If there's one thing former President Trump is known for, it's his raw comedic talent. That and of course, his incredible honesty and comm...

On today's Cartoon Pad, the award-winning New Yorker cartoonist, author, teacher, TED Talk speaker and film producer and director, Liza Donnelly. Her new film project Women Laughing is a featured kickstarter now, check it out and get some great perks! https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/womenlaughingfilm/women-laughing

Project Description: Client: Supreme Court of the United States of America Target market: Collectors, Constitution-philes, Tourists, Veterans, Women, Minorities, LGBTQ, the Homeless Title: It's a Star-Spangled Clearance! Actors: Six Conservative Justices Description/Goal: Utilize SCOTUS summer break to raise awareness of and generate revenue from the impending end of democracy Direction notes: As...