The Weekly Humorist Podcast

The Berenstain Bears' Go Out for the Team The Berenstain Bears' Do Their Homework The Berenstain Bears' Mind Their Manners The Berenstain Bears' Take Turns The Berenstain Bears' Get Involved The Berenstain Bears' Say Their Prayers The Berenstain Bears' Want You to Say Your Prayers The Berenstain Bears' Reject the Devil's Music The Berenstain Bears' Switch to Homeschooling The Berenstain Bears' Dis...

Crack O' Lantern: You've heard about using an apple as a bong, but how about using a hollow pumpkin for smoking some crack? Just don't do it on your front porch, maybe. Inedibles: Holiday revealers love spotting a plate of pot cookies and brownies, but often you turn around for five minutes and suddenly they're all gone! Save yourself from this awkward situation by adding THC to horrifying Hallowe...

Spooky season is well and truly upon us, ladies and gentlemen. (Wait, how would the Crypt Keeper say that? "Scabies and mental men"?) Seems like you can't go a block these days without seeing one of those giant spider webs attached to someone's house, looking like a very poorly thought-out fire escape. "Bela Lugosi's Dead" has been playing on a loop in my neighbor's apartment for three days now. E...

Another nasty electoral season is upon us, and Americans' disapproval of members of Congress continues to plummet. Accordingly, I provide as a public service a survey of alternate methods of selecting Senators and members of the House of Representatives. AI: Ask ChatGPT to pick the best Americans to become new members of Congress. Pro: The first practical use case for A.I. Con: In preliminary test...

The rally up to this point, has been chock full of relevant points and wonderful historical perspectives on the current state of politics that it cannot possibly get any better than it is at this very moment. Imbued by love and support of their rally community, the undeniable devotion and camaraderie is simply overwhelming. All twenty six attendees spontaneously break out into a rousing version of...

The flight went by so fast, I barely noticed it. = There was a 30-minute window where I was certain I was going to die. No, the jet lag didn't bother me one bit. = I've never had worse sleep in my life. Ah! The food was so amazing. = I was unable to move my bowels for three whole days. Oh and the wine! Some of the best I've ever had! = It was fine. It's such a beautiful city! = We never ventured p...

Each nominee answers questions from a dunk tank seat. Secretly spray JD Vance's wardrobe with catnip prior to the debate, then unleash several dozen cats during a particularly slow, boring part. Replace typical debate format / moderators with format and host of that hot wing eating interview show. Hire a professional tattoo artist to give Tim Walz a face tattoo during the debate. Each third questi...

If the recent indictments of New York mayor Eric Adams have you feeling glum because of its total lack of meat, remember, things in another universe could be even worse; for example, this… READ THE EMPEROR PALPATINE INDICTMENT Long long ago, in a galaxy far, far away… SHEEV PALPATINE, the defendant, became a Galactic Senator. Thereafter, for nearly a decade, PALPATINE sought and accepted improper...

If it's your first Freak Off, I do not recommend live streaming. Better to edit out all those "messy mishaps" and share it later on. No matter how much he begs - and he will, believe that shit - do not invite Kanye. Or Armie Hammer. Have plenty of lubricants on hand. Hotel kitchen staff gets pissed off when you pilfer their Crisco. If Donald Trump shows up, don't brag about it on your social. He w...

I don't know what happened, we used to be able to hire staff at fifty cents, maybe four bucks an hour (for supervisors) but now, this crazy woke world, we're having a heck of a time hiring staff. Or maybe only relying on selling a million egg salad sandwiches a day for $3.40 each is an unrealistic business model. You're probably wondering how I arrived at that business model. I figured out how muc...

June 15, 2023 Dear Diary, the cute guy (Mark) that has been texting me about unit 1F seems really interested. He might even stop by tonight! I know it seems quick, but I have a good feeling. June 16, 2023 OMG he was even cuter in person. He loved the unit and asked if there was a spot in the garage available. I was so nervous that I just blurted out yes. Now I just need to tell Sue from 3R to find...

Joyless Dud Jinxed Decision Jingoistic Dumbass Jerry-rigged Demagogue Juris Dorkus Jilted Dolphin Jaw-dropping Disaster Jagweed Douche Jejune Doormat Janky Doodle "Joking" Dehumanizer Juiceless Drag Jerkoff Davenport Jesus Disappointment Judgmental Dick Jabroni Dew Jarring Deception Just-Whatever-Makes-Sense Doug hnut Jonald Drump

Hey, how's it going, girl from my high school? It's been a while. Hope everything's hunky-dory. I just wanted to inform you that some sicko using your social media pictures followed me with the hopes that I'd buy lewd content from them. Gross, right? I knew this was a scam right away, which is why I came to you first instead of spending my entire week's paycheck on some bare feet photos. Ew, yucky...

Hey, guess who got a Ring video doorbell? And when you install it, you become part of the neighborhood network of people who think they are citizen crime fighters but are really just very nosy people. For example: Tuesday 7:20 pm Did anyone experience a sudden power outage? My internet is down. I don't know how I'm posting this. Thursday 10:32 am Just heard what sounded like gunshots in my house....

"Hey, thanks for being a fan! Now please get into the van. Enjoy a blunt I just rolled, And I'll apply this lil blindfold." "C'mon girl, shake that rump, I can introduce you to Donnie Trump! Since Epstein was arrested, Teen girls have gone unmolested." "You girls have run away from your homes? Nice to meet ya, I'm Sean John Combs. Just now in town, and already meeting a star! Now please join the o...

"I Thought it Would Be Easier for You to Drop Everything and Cater to My Needs" - An Impromptu, Unnecessary Desk-Side Check-In with Your Co-Worker Do you have a minute? You're answering numerous emails and Slack messages while also trying to pay attention to a Zoom meeting so I can see the answer is no, but I'm going to take more of your limited bandwidth anyway. I want to address an email I sent...

1. Gatsby 2. Xavier 3. Kai 4. Marvin 5. Damian 6. Saxon 7. Schrödinger 8. Exa Dark 9. Techno Mechanicus 10. Hobbes 11. Floki Elon Kid: 2,3, 5,6, 8, 9 Elon Pet: 1, 4,7, 10, 11

Congratulations! We are pleased to inform you that you have been selected to attend the Quasimodo Institute for Advanced Hunching (QUIFAH)! Amid an impressive pool of applicants, your application stood out as one of the most shocking. In fact, our founder and namesake himself read it with great interest (and seemed somewhat threatened by it). You may have lost your ability to hold your head up str...

For each out and out, obvious lie that Trump makes, allow one tiny drop from a pre-measured eye dropper to fall into your mouth. Just one, it's going to be a long night! When Trump makes a reference to the Jan 6th rioters as "hostages", use your bare hands to break the eye dropper into dozens of tiny pieces, enjoy the little stings and cuts on your hands as a pleasant distraction. Then take a shot...

Let me be clear. Would you, please? I would love to be clear, as long as it's okay with you. So if you would be so kind as to allow that to happen, it would mean a lot to me. Just want to make that clear. Let me be clear. I cannot possibly be clear unless you permit it. So what do you say? To make this as clear as possible, I have a permission slip here for you to fill out. It's quite simple: "Per...

The journey of a thousand miles begins with faking your own death and hiding from your family. Actions speak louder than words, and teenage girls talk louder than anyone during the entire goddamn movie. Curiosity killed the cat, but even so, you should have had her shots up to date. Not cool, man. You cannot unscramble eggs, so keep the sausages wrapped up fellas. Fortune favors the bold, as well...

You're pounding down tater skins. Bubblin' bacon bits going down easy as you watch b-ball on the big screen. It's TGI Fridays, baby, and 2 pm is tater-skins-o-clock, but you ain't buying this round, cuz Benjamin Franklin's got his purse out and he's slanging those doubloons. Yeah, Benny Franklin. You know Benjamin? Big baldo who signed the Declaration of Independence? Ring a bell, dumb dumb? Yeah,...

"Sorry to bother you." "Oh my gosh, I'm three weeks early. You know what? I'm just gonna go back inside for a while and let you know get on with your day. I'll come back at a more reasonable time. Better yet, you call me when you're ready." "I really hope the marriage is solid." "I swear I'll cover the copay." "It's so nice to finally meet you, Charlene. Can I call you Mom or would that be weird?"...

About the Shop: After a still explosion knocked me out for three days, I suddenly became aware that not only was I being routinely abducted, but the government was removing my memories to cover up what turns out to be a global conspiracy between the Deep State, the Vatican, and Costco. The more research I did, the less information I found, and that only meant one thing: someone was erasing all evi...

1. A man calls to you on the street, "You should smile more." Should you smile more? 1. Yes. 2. I mean…you are frowning. But you're stressed about work. 3. No. 2. A man calls to you on the street, "You should smile more, honey. And you have nice tits." Should you smile more? 1. Yes, and you should thank him for the compliment. 2. Well, you do have RBF. But your cat just died. Although he did offer...