The Weekly Humorist Podcast

INT. CAESAR'S CUBICULUM- EVENING JULIUS CAESAR is getting ready to meet with the Senate. His wife, CALPURNIA, tries to talk him out of it. CALPURNIA: Husband, please. I had a premonition - your statue drenched in blood. CAESAR: The blood of my enemies, no doubt! Thank you, that's a nice confidence-booster. CALPURNIA: But don't you remember what the soothsayer said? "Beware the Ides of March." CAES...

Just a little poop on my jacket, it'll wash right off. These things happen. It's fine, it's fine, it's totally fine. But why is it so wet? Is it a poop or a pee? Or a combo… Anyway, it's good luck. I think. Do people say that? Did I hear that somewhere? I could use a bit of luck. But what do I need luck for? Is it something specific? Does this bird know something I don't know?? Oh God, it's also i...

Come in. Sit down. No, not in the front row. I don't like people getting too close. My name is Reacher. Not Mr. Reacher. Just Reacher. Now look around. You're in a library, and words literally surround you. Words like payback. Justice. Vengeance. Those are words I live by every day. You, don't tilt back in that chair. I can see you haven't been trained to execute that maneuver without injury - and...

Been so long since a strange woman has slept in my bed. Bob Dylan [Drunk. Slurring words.] Baby, you need cooling. I'm not fooling. Going to send you back to schooling… Way down inside. Honey, you need it. Gonna give you every inch of my love. A whole lotta love. [All 4 inches.] Robert Plant (Led Zeppelin) You want to step into my world? It's a socio-psychotic state of bliss. Axl Rose (Guns N' Ros...

Well, well, well, it seems I've finally gotten my 17ish minutes of fame, hovering juuuust at the bottom of the frame while ol' Mama Bear vocal-fried up a hot platter of American Carnage Lite for the public. And let me tell you, as the surface upon which Katie has served that dinner she worries about at 2am for longer than I like to admit: what you all saw tonight is just the tip of the straitjacke...

"More than a third of states say fetuses are people." ~Politico, February 29, 2024 As a unified coalition of unborn women who possess all the rights of legal personhood, we stand together to advocate for the reproductive freedom of our already-born sisters, whose legal rights are not as protected as our own. You may ask, "Wait a minute, do you realize that taking a pro-choice stance means you're l...

Orville N. Seste Eyes so close to one another that from a distance he appears to be a cyclops; doesn't like this comparison, mostly because any sort of creature from an imaginary land has to be "gay". Happy that trolls such as he can now feel free to crawl out from beneath their respective bridges, even though they now seem determined to burn said bridges down. Believes that Trump is his best bet...

Thomas Tush 6969 Cheeks Drive Basement Unit Los Angeles, CA tomtushsits@gmail.com 555-888-BUTT Education: University of Phoenix Online 2010 - 2014 Bachelor of Science in Sitting, with a concentration in Seat Filling Minor in Standing for Standing Ovations Skills: Quick to sit and stand when occasion arises Experience in laughing when a joke is told during an opening monologue Excels in tearing up...

While it's quite clear that barring a drastic change, Niki Haley will not be the Republican party's nominee for president in 2024. She still holds out some hope. She did win Vermont. It's clear a lot of Republican voters want an alternative to Trump. It's currently clear it's "not her". But if nobody else shows up that could always change. Right? She's got some free time from now until November an...

Now that the other Oscars have gotten their boring nominee announcement out of the way, the world can focus on the contenders vying for true Oscar-worthiness! Impress everyone at your Favorite Oscar party with your knowledge of the nominees! Oscar the Grouch Beloved by millions despite living in a trash can. The "poor man's Elmo," according to Elmo. Oscar Madison The messy one in The Odd Couple. C...

Located on a tree-lined street in the heart of Park Slope, this gorgeous 1 bed, 1 bath, apartment features an original fireplace, wood floors throughout, brand new appliances, and close proximity to some of the city's best schools. It's steps away from dozens of restaurants and cultural hubs. The only tiny, very minor inconvenience is the coat closet. The coat closet is a direct portal to the nint...

News reports covering last weekend's CPAC convention revealed, among other abhorrent details, that a January 6th pinball machine was on display (I guess they didn't have time to pull together a 9/11 Jenga set-up?). So this got us to thinking…. what other video games must the far right enjoy? Planned Parenthood Theft Auto You're on the move, on the go… racing against the clock to find a Planned Par...

Choosing Where To Eat DO read reviews of restaurants from a variety of sources DON'T dine anywhere frequently mentioned in local obituaries DO know your budget and plan your dining accordingly DON'T assume any meal can be exchanged for a rare Pokemon card DO be open to trying new foods and ethnic dishes DON'T be open to eating head cheese. Just don't do it. Ever DO consider a restaurant for its st...

Sponge Bong Square Pants Pot Patrol Mister Roll Joints Neighborhood The Flintstoned Sesame Tweak CocainMelon Tokemon Trippie Magic School Dust Animethiacs Your Crackhead's Castle Crack and the Pirates Popper Pig High School Mushroom-Cool Blue Meth's Clues My Little Drony: This Sh*t is Magic Cheech-glazed Mollied Methed Out Tokers Peyote Peterson Speed Racer Barney the Purple Haze Dinosaur

Wendy's is facing pushback after suggesting it would roll out "dynamic pricing", where the price of a burger would increase during peak hours. We hope this never happens, as it might lead to a horrible trend in surge pricing elsewhere. The bathrooms at Taco Bell whenever someone orders the Beefy Five-Layer Burrito and a large Mountain Dew Baja Blast Freeze. When you hit the last few pages of that...

You may have heard of the benefits of the 'Power Nap' from that fitness podcast for pro athletes that you religiously listen to on the commute to your sedative marketing job. If so, you know that any daytime snooze longer than 20 minutes is a recipe for unwanted grogginess, not to mention a sign of depression or some weak shit like that. Naps used to be about resting, but now they're about maximiz...

In Leave the World Behind, you loved hearing Julia Roberts declare out of nowhere, "There's a Starbucks!" followed by a close-up shot of the iconic cup logo. In Nyad, you cheered as Jodie Foster held untold numbers of Diet Coke cans (always facing the wrong direction for actual drinkability but the right way for optimal camera visibility of the emblem). Now, get ready to experience product placeme...

Gummies and taffy are no longer just for kids! The gummies and taffy for adults have drugs in them, which makes the laborious, unpleasant chewing worth it finally. And when the folks at Laffy Taffy decide to get in the game with their own adult taffy, they'll need some of these… Laffy Taffy Jokes For Adults Why did the fisherman's wife whittle his oar into a realistic shaped dildo? She wanted to f...

Chris: Should our weekly Dungeons and Dragons campaign include a storyline about uncovering hidden documents proving that random orc was raped? Me: Unfortunately, "only 230 out of every 1,000 sexual assaults are reported to police. That means about 3 out of 4 go unreported," RAINN. Chances are, that orc was never given the help or resources necessary to report the attack and recover. So, no, Chris...

Dear Principal Babinski, This letter is to inform you that I will be tendering my resignation as a third grade teacher at Dwight D. Eisenhower Elementary School. Instead, I will be pursuing what was previously a side-hustle, collecting cans by I-496 full-time. I have done the math, and found that, if I take a normal 8 hour day and spend it collecting cans by the side of the road, as long as I coll...

I'm at my desk but interruptions are okay. I should really concentrate. Do not interrupt. Unless it's to tell me about baked goods in the kitchen. My spouse is out of town and I crave human interaction. Please linger in the doorway and gossip with me. I'll even listen to you talk about your kid. I'm napping on the couch. I'm napping on the couch and forgot to close the blinds. I'm desperate to bra...

"Amazon One uses the information embedded in your palm to create a unique palm signature that it can read each and every time you use it." - Amazon You will never be very rich, powerful or gifted. But becoming a Prime member will give you unimaginable prestige and unparalleled access to anything you could ever want. Your future is filled with peace and joy interrupted occasionally by minor injurie...

ToeJamboree Slight-of-foot magician Hotfoot uses one foot to clip the toenails of the other, changes the diaper of an adult baby fetishist using only his feet, and even plays Patty Cake with a seemingly confused Bernadette Peters . For an extra fee he will use the aforementioned toenails to spell a touching message on his kitchen table for you or a loved one with only his feet. RecapAndFap Are you...

After six years, approximately 500 jam sessions, and 12 (12) groupies, the foursome that began in your basement and once held a residency in Evan's yard is at a crossroads. Unfortunately, it's not the Crossroads Guitar Festival alongside Eric Clapton. Diligent practicing has only gotten you so far. So enough of that. Here's what you need to do instead: Crowd Surf This may not strike you as the bes...

Yes, I'm looking for the executive in charge of programming? I'll hold. Hello? Yes, my name is Gloria Arliss and I'm calling to complain about your Hallmark Channel's Countdown to Valentine's Day Movie Festival. I happen to feel that you are inundating us with all this romantic drivel that totally distorts reality. Movie after movie after movie showing some weird, complicated way of falling in lov...