The Weekly Humorist Podcast

Jesus, Take My Taxes If Jesus is going to take the wheel, I'd also like him to take my taxes. He doesn't even need to file them on TurboTax or tell the IRS any of my business, he just needs to take them away so I don't have to think about them. Maybe he can turn them into water and then turn the water into wine, and then I can drink my tax returns with an episode of Grey's Anatomy. Jesus, Take My...

You want me to "talk?" What's next, I have to sing and dance? Choreograph an original musical number based on the events of my life up to this point? And then what? Novelize? Monetize? Record a best-selling audio book, foreword by Peter Bogdanovich? Adapt it for the silver screen and audition for the role of myself? Practice being myself in the mirror so I can really nail it? Is that what you want...

How did it happen, America? The 2024 presidential election is getting closer and closer, and somehow, the presumptive nominees are the same two melted goblins who ran against each other in 2020. WE HAD FOUR YEARS TO FIND BETTER PEOPLE! AND WE STILL DIDN'T DO IT! On one side, you have Donald Trump, a third-tier Batman villain who is probably planning how to poison Gotham City's water supply. (Or ma...

Pemberley (Pride & Prejudice) Half of Derbyshire, England $150,000,000 This grand Georgian estate boasts sprawling grounds, a tranquil lake and a 19th-century fountain. Inside, you will find original Chippendale furniture, elegant damask furnishings and rooms that are somehow "handsome". With natural beauty and a rich history, Pemberley will have your crush ready to marry you! New owner is res...

TO: All U.S. Ford Dealers SUBJECT: Customer Satisfaction Program 18P16 Certain 2011-2016 Model Year Fiesta & Focus Vehicles Concerns About Sexually Mature Primates REASON FOR PROVIDING THIS SERVICE Ford is aware that some of the 2011-2016 Focus and Fiesta owners have concerns about the violent, horny chimpanzees that our engineers in Detroit have deliberately placed in the trunk of these autom...

Taylor has the ability to telepathically control a certain species of brain worm, which she used to influence the Trump jury during their deliberations on the amount of money to be awarded to E Jean Carroll. Taylor is in actuality a garden gnome, magically brought to life by the liberal Illuminati, in order to give Mitch O'Connell a massive wedgie during their battle to the death as reality crumbl...

On behalf of millennials, I just want to reassure everyone that, despite a few things in the world being a litttttttttle bit unsettling lately, we are all coping really well and doing totally fine. To reassure you, just log on to social media platform X, which used to be called Twitter until an antisemitic white supremacist transphobic billionaire who kind of controls the military and the governme...

"Rap-hating conservative pundit Ben Shapiro is now a rapper. Shapiro, the founder of right-wing media empire The Daily Wire, teamed up with MAGA rapper Tom MacDonald… On the lib-owning track 'Facts.'" -The Daily Beast, 1/26/24 "I Like Rap Now (But Not Black People)" "Should I Get Dreads" "I Have a Stick up My Ass" "Ouch It Hurts (Having a Stick up Your Ass)" "Abortion Is Murder, and So Is This Bea...

Elon Musk reports that his Neuralink company has achieved the successful implantation of one of its wireless brain chips in a human. The chip is intended to establish connections between human brains and computers. However, there are notable side effects to consider. Your emotional expressions are now limited to a curated set of emojis. Your brain chip constantly receives software updates includin...

Hey there, I'm a horse. You know, the kind of animal who enjoys munching on grass all day with no care in the world except, "is it raining right now?" I have a bone to pick with humans. They are relying on me for therapy even though I never asked for this. Look, I don't mean to come off as such a whinier. It's nice to be able to help people feel better, and I'm very good at it. But what about my f...

So, you've found yourself in prison. Life on the outside was just too much and now you must spend the next twelve months to 250 years behind bars, reflecting on what poor decisions led you here. What did you do this time? I bet it was something really naughty. You're so bad. Or maybe you're innocent and desperate for another chance to prove it. Maybe you really are guilty but have trouble fitting...

We reached Toy Story Land and the first ride the kids want to go on is the Slinky Dog rollercoaster, over my vote for Spinning Martians. Now on the line. The sign says 120 minutes, but I'm sure that's an exaggeration. Oh, a marching band of the toy army soldiers just passed by! How fun! Still on line. I'm thinking now maybe the wait time was in Celsius… Still live tweeting. Still in line. Still. A...

1960s: Americans too busy smoking cigarettes to drink water Think about it- unless you had two mouths, you couldn't do both at the same time. Doctors were more concerned with people smoking the right brand of cancer sticks to curb their dessert appetite after dinner than letting folks in on the benefits of drinking a glass of simple H20. If you revisit the 7 seasons of Mad Men, you'll find that in...

I hate to bring any more negativity into this mean old world, but there are quite a few famous people with whom I have had terrible - and completely unwarranted - experiences. Consider this a warning if you ever cross paths with any of these lousy human beings. ROBERT DOWNEY JR. He was so rude when he walked into his mansion the night I broke in and passed out on the living room couch. Hey, I was...

Anyone who gets roped into going to a city rooftop bar must go into the quest fully equipped to fight the bosses that they'll face on their ascent. This experiential guide aims to help you get through this dreaded social event as soon as possible. 1. Jade the Hostess Jade The Hostess will be determined to make your life miserable the second you arrive at "Pink Social at The Loft" or another roofto...

Psoriasis flakes that taste just like Sweet-Tarts candy dust. Albino asking to receive reverse anal bleaching. Miniature golf course to be transferred to the family mausoleum. The ability to heal the sick and dying via tea-bagging the patient's forehead. Barf bag that magically transforms vomit into fresh microwave popcorn. Exact replica of the throne from Game Of Thrones, but made of pimento chee...

Peanut Butter Patty Lemon Drop Savannah Smiles Little Brownie Thin Mint Caramel DeLite Daisy-Go-Round Chocolate Chunk Mango Creme Shortbread Do-Si-Do Pecan Shortee Uppity Bitch Girl Scout Cookie: 1-12 1960s Businessman's Nickname for Secretary: 1-13

We matched on Hinge. He didn't message me for two weeks, so obviously I was super intrigued. We started talking, and I found out he's an accountant who failed high school algebra three times. He looked like a guy you might see at Publix buying Doritos and a 6-pack of Coors on a Tuesday night, which is personally my biggest turn on. He forgot his wallet on our first date to the local sports bar whe...

Soap-carving. Ivory soap only. Collecting all the Hummel figurines that openly carry a gun. Archery, using as a target a picture of Donald Trump. Wedding cake decorating, topping them with little plastic figures of only one man and only one woman, each of which is certified to have been the same sex since when it was injection-molded. Found poetry, using passages from U.S. history books and removi...

If an R is the only D you'll accept, fear not. We've got the secrets to winning the heart of that handsome conservative stud you've set in the sights of your Beretta AR70 (which should totally be legal in every state!). More makeup Real beauty is an illusion. There are just people who try and people who don't, and if you're not going to put in the required effort, then frankly you don't deserve an...

Hey, man! It's us: your favorite band from high school! (Or, according to your 10th grade diary, the "only people who understand your soul.") We're stoked you bought tickets to our show tonight. We may be really, really old now, but rest assured, we still rock as hard as ever. It's been a while. The last time you saw us was at Warped Tour. What was that, twenty years ago? It cost $25 and nobody ca...

6:30 AM- Work on delts and quads by throwing barrels from the top of a construction site. 8:00 AM- Reward self on grueling workout with a tasty smoothie (no, not a banana smoothie, smart-ass; strawberry and mango, actually. Please stop with the profiling, it insults the both of us). 10:30 AM- Yay, banana time!! 11:00 AM- Contact electric company again, plead with them to finally change name on bil...

Dear Students, Parents, and Community Members, After much spirited debate and discussion - where valid points were brought up on both sides - the board has finally reached a decision regarding the school's controversial name. We understand that the name, Robert E. Lee High School, made certain individuals rightly uncomfortable, but we also recognize that removing the late Confederate general's nam...