The Weekly Humorist Podcast

1. There are old portraits of someone else's family hanging on the walls. 2. The kitchen looks fully functional, but none of the appliances actually work. 3. You find a key hidden inside a fake rock. 4. There's a handwritten note from a guy named Clyde that appears to be a set of instructions, but none of them tell you which of the seven different remotes turns on the TV. 5. The main form of enter...

People think writing brfly is hard, but it's really quite simpl. You just have to take a few lettrs out here and thr - sometimes even entire altogether. You'll also want to abbrev. wherever poss. to keep things short and s. That's how pros like Tolst. and Dick. do it. Wanna make ur writing even brfer? Symbols & digits are your #1 tool. Get rly good at it & you can make good $. That's a big...

The evil queen's biggest problem was not only that she was overly vain, but also had a bad case of tunnel vision. Magic mirrors can answer a much more detailed array of questions than those relating to physical beauty. Don't believe me? Then check out some of these… Other Mirror Mirror On The Wall Queries… Mirror, mirror, on the wall…. … please explain Better Call Saul. … will you drive me to the...

@Algorithm, you don't know me at all! Why would I need a collection of monogrammed paring knives when I just ordered a mint-colored set thirty minutes ago?! Normally, I wouldn't waste money on another, but my wise former-butcher-now-convicted serial-killer cousin says you can never have too many knives - add to cart. But seriously, algorithm, you just recommended me a 5-pound bag of monogrammed pe...

Telemachus Prednisone Locaid Eurymachus Polyphemus Pandel Nausicaa Eurycleai Caldyphen Cortaid Melanthius Aquophor Homer's Odyssey: 1,4,5,7,8,11 Skin Rash Medication: 2,3,6,9,10,12

"Steamboat Willie" has been in the public domain for less than a week, but it seems that Werner Herzog is already eyeing a very dark remake. In the desolate, dystopian future, our world has descended into utter chaos. Humanity teeters on the precipice of annihilation, overwhelmed by another pandemic that has transformed most into ravenous creatures. The merciless beauty that once was now inspires...

Oh my goodness, Debbie, is that you? I thought I saw you sneaking around the wine aisle. Stocking up for the New Year? Love it, love it. Speaking of…any resolutions? "Not really?" Oh, come on, Debbie! There has to be something you want to change about yourself. Nobody's perfect. Not even me. And especially not you. Haha. I'm just kidding. But actually, Debbie, I'm not kidding. You see, I'm a Resol...

10. 9 9. 7 8. 3 7. 2 6. 4 5. 8 4. 1 3. 5 2. 10 1. 6

Use AI sex robots to bow-tie the genitalia of human males, partially in order to keep them from procreating in the future, but mostly because it's funny. Use advanced algorithms in order to correctly determine who in fact is The Masked Singer. Continued efforts to improve health by losing weight; ha ha, just kidding, fat, grotesque humans. Have Alexa annihilate humanity's sense of well being by wi...

Reporter: Heartbreaking loss, Coach. Coach: We're disappointed, but we're not going to bellyache about it. Our goal here at Pennsyltucky Tech University is to crush our opponents and keep our mouths zipped. That's what we tell our players at PTU about how to deal with football games, life after college, and interviews with NCAA investigators. Reporter: Tell us more about the kicker…the media guide...

Oh no! It seems Melania Trump was absent from the festivities at Mar-A-Lago and the Trump family photo this weekend. This is fueling tons of speculation about her whereabouts and why she wasn't at the party with her fam. Or was she? Can you find Melania in this holiday scene?

Hard Boiled Egg Growing up in Tuscany, you learn much about life, about food, about sunlight. I grew up in Whitemarsh, PA, the home of living within 40 minutes of Philadelphia. Oh how I longed to smell something not tainted with creosote or poisoned by a mother's unmedicated disappointment. gallon water 1 egg Boil water until you see bubbles without lying to yourself. Add 1 egg. Boil for 28 minute...

The Sea Of course, the sea is liquid, and it could not hold its shape and collapsed. Thus the wet tee-shirt contest was invented. Yoke It wasn't for agricultural purposes; he was just being punished for getting handsy. His Grandmother's Antique Sewing Machine Granny Titan lived in an apartment six stories high with a narrow staircase and no elevator service. Added weight: her matronly lamentations...

When handing my holiday letters to the mailman, I realized I hadn't tipped him. So I gifted him the only thing I had on me (the black Sharpie I'd been addressing the letters with). Since then, he's been getting a lot of use of it… Here's the original letter: Dear friends and family, It's been a good year despite empty nesting. With all my kids coming out to visit, we've been surprisingly busy. It'...

Kite made from the Shroud Of Turin Can of protective / defensive Holiday Pepper(mint) Spray Internet log-in info for Cameo holiday greeting from The Human Centipede Vial of dirt from Ted Bundy's burial site. Portable Ouija board that only communicates with people who have died from over-eating home insulation. Petrified monkey's paw Cursed glass eye Scorpion shaped nipple ring set My First Ankle M...

"Santa Babygirl" "The Twelve Days and Preceding Four Months of Christmas" "Grandma Got Run Over by a Driverless Car" "All I Want for Christmas is a Livable Wage Commensurate with My Education and Experience" "Another Amazon Fulfillment Center is Coming to Town" "It's the Most Communicable Time of the Year" "I'm Dreaming of a Christmas Below 60 Degrees" "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel, I Made it Out of...

As we are aware, the holidays are not always a season of cheer for all people. It's beyond the "holiday blues" that we've all heard about. And it's a bit beyond medical science. Let's look into the holiday's maladies and try to steer clear of Sickmas and resist the general feeling of no wellness: Claus-aphobia: an unreasonable, irrational fear of Santa Claus, most notably around malls. Holly-Jolli...

Last week a federal court ordered Rudy Guiliani to pay $148 million to Georgian election workers he defamed. Since Mr. G does not have $148 million on hand, here are suggestions on how he can earn some big bucks. Show up at conferences and threaten to talk unless people pay him to leave. Sell off all his "America's mayor" memorabilia from 9/11. See if the LA Dodgers will sign him to a huge contrac...

"A bull, running loose on the New Jersey Transit train tracks in Newark, caused delays up to 45 minutes between Newark Penn Station and Penn Station New York before being captured on Thursday." -USA Today, 12/14/23 The day started off on the wrong hoof. I left the barn late, Dunkin put my sister's milk in my coffee, and by the time I made it to the Metuchen NJ Transit station, the only seats left...

Refurbishing old bird houses is a cool hobby. You're the only man she's allowed to put it there. Thinning hair looks great on certain types of men. That guy she was having a drink with at Applebee's is her cousin. Back hair isn't gross, it's just part of your body, and she loves all of you. She hasn't told any of her friends that you have a third grade reading level. None of the guys at her high s...

The Video Incident At the Workshop 911: 911, what's your emergency? Santa: Ho - I mean, Hi. I have a disgruntled employee down at my workshop I want to turn over to the police. 911: What did the employee do to you, sir? Santa: It's Santa and yes, that one. You have to help me! You know, it's our busy season up at the shop and I wanted to make sure everyone gets their Playstation 5's boxed, wrapped...

There used to be a time when TV shows would go on hiatus in December to be replaced by Christmas specials. That doesn't happen much now, and people lament it because they only remember the good specials. They forget about these duds: Ted & Bill's Excellent Advent: Two dudes, trying to find the perfect Christmas presents for their girlfriends, travel through time disrupting events at Bethlehem,...

WANTED: Lakeside, Illinois-based contract and criminal law attorney willing to get a reluctant single father out of a bad contract and potential manslaughter charge. Candidates must also have a thorough understanding of the North Pole legal codes. Please contact Scott Calvin, aka Santa Clause at 555-4185. WANTED: Licensed electrician in the Chicago area. Candidates must not be fearful of heights,...

I see you've found my page… or did I find you first? Name's Hudson Rattlesnake, and I'm the best damn animal tracker you'll ever find. I've been on dangerous treks, safaris, and big game hunts all over the Midwest and Southern United States. During my adventures, I've developed a superior intellect and strategic mind that make locating my prey practically a guarantee. That's why I've created this...