The Weekly Humorist Podcast

It's that magical time of year again, when the naked people on YouPorn are all wearing Santa hats and going much further than kissing beneath the mistletoe. Allow your equally lonely friends at Weekly Humorist to give you a hand in getting the most from your experience with these sure-to-please recommendations! Wet Ugly Christmas Sweater Contest; Jiggle Bells NativiTea-Bagging; MistleCamelToe I Ca...

25-year-old, Mark Stevens, of Roku City was arrested by Roku City Police for committing arson in the building that formerly housed the Everybody Loves Raymond billboard. The alleged arsonist was reportedly upset that the city replaced the billboard with an ad for the show Suits. No one was harmed. Several noise complaints were filed due to the man wailing "How can you do this, everybody loves Raym...

1. Everything is running happily and smoothly. 2. Pull up an ice block and lend an ear! 3. Some people say "risk," some people say "opportunity." 4. You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen. 5. Real christmas eve energy rn. 6. What matters most in the end is how we give back. 7. Yessir, our friends were really on their way, but not one of them knew where they were going. 8. These two didn'...

That's a party school. At that school, all they do is party. I had a friend that went there, and all he did was party every second of every day. He said he would party in the morning, party in the evening, and then party at supper time. He partied so much that he had to go to the campus doctor midway through the first semester. Want to know what the doctor's diagnosis was? A mild case of Party-itu...

A Letter From the MIT Custodial Department to Will Hunting Dear Mr. Hunting, It has come to the attention of the MIT Custodial Department that you have been diverting your focus away from your janitorial responsibilities during your shift. As you have probably been told already, your job is strictly limited to overseeing the proper sanitation and maintenance of the school's buildings. You are unde...

George Santos just became the third person in modern times to be expelled from Congress. Here's why he's fine with that. He's now free to become King of England, a job that pays better and works less than a congressman. He finally has time to spend with that baby he was walking around with. They didn't strip him of all his rights as an ex-congressman, which means he can still visit the gym and con...

We hope you made yourself at home in our humble abode! This is a friendly reminder to be checked out by 9:00 tomorrow morning in order to give our cleaning crew ample time to prepare for the next guests. If you would like to request a later check-out time, feel free to message us at least 24 hours before check-out, though it looks like we are already within that window, so nevermind. Your payment...

Trump not allowed to speak about court case at rallies, as the average member of the crowd has no knowledge of courtroom dynamics beyond what they've seen on reruns of The People's Court. No statements that could incite violence, unless he's speaking to a crowd of followers at a backyard amateur wrestling tournament. No more mentions of a "witch hunt", as many Trump followers believe in actual wit...

I'm sorry, okay? Oh, shoot. I just did it again! Whoops. It's not like I intend to apologize constantly. It's almost like…a reflex, a tic, an inability to, I don't know, be sure that any of my individual thoughts or feelings are the least bit valid. So silly of me! Look, I've read the research. We ladies tend to, shall I say, overdo it. All the studies say the same thing: Women apologize more than...

When I think of great movies of the 21st century, I think of films like There Will Be Blood, The Social Network, Ladybird, and even Get Out. As a "film buff," I really enjoy staying up to date on the new releases while also going back and rewatching beloved films from the past. In the age of the internet, I understand that films have a way of being reappraised years after they are released. Younge...

"The U.S. Supreme Court on Monday released a formal "Code of Conduct" for the justices, responding to years of criticism that the nation's highest court does not have transparent or enforceable ethics guidelines. - ABC News Due to some recent concerns about the behavior of the Greek pantheon, we the Gods of Mount Olympus have released a new code of ethics effective immediately. And while these new...

Make sure to watch the Macy's parade with the sound turned completely off, so that the hypnotic deep state sound waves can't creep into the brains of you and your guests, forcing you all to unknowingly soak up disgusting, Satanic progressive ideals. After removing the tinfoil from all of the covered dishes, reform as hats and distribute to your guests. The Cranberries were a rock bad with a female...

Every submission becomes the property of the Kenword Run Club and the county of Fairfield. The submitter attests that their design is their own and is wholly original. The submitter must be a Fairfield County resident as of November 1st, 2023, and not be using the woods behind the high school as a residential address. The design MUST include a cartoon of Turkey participating in a running race. Tur...

Bon jour, America! We here at the kitchens of Chez Chaz have discussed this many, many times and we had decided it is time. Time to save Thanksgiving from you Americans. The holiday fare is so Americanized. Yes, yes, it is true; turkey, stuffing, apple cider. It is stale, it is stodgy. You Americans, it would kill you to broaden your horizons? My staff and I have been working very hard to introduc...

At one time, polls showed I was second only to Santa Claus in terms of child recognition. Now? A twelve-year-old just asked if I was Miranda Hobbes. And his mom said yes. I float, yet am deflated. Below me is the greatest city in the world, and I've the greatest view. Yet all I see are visions of bygone corporate synergy. I fear not the heights to which I'm currently tethered and yet am terrified...

Weekly Humorist: Hey, nice to see you. Congratulations on the huge victory! It's Travis, right? Travis Turkey: Hello! And yes, that's right. Thank you for the nice words! It's a huge relief, I can tell you. Weekly Humorist: I'll bet. Travis Turkey: I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful… but it's really bizarre, frankly. I had definitely had way over the amount that night, and if anyone els...

Traditional social media managers make grand promises of growing your internet presence exponentially. They work for million-dollar brands, pushing $75 hair oil and leggings with the butt cut out into the shopping carts of unsuspecting slobs. But not me. I don't work for influencers, or brands, or really anyone who wants more social media followers. I work for the common scroller who realized one...

Congratulations on purchasing your new Cloneique Doppelringer3000. As with any new household addition, there are bound to be a few questions. Here at Cloneique, Inc. we have the expert support and useful tips needed to help you make the most of your whole new you. FAQ How do I turn this thing on? Is it easy to train my clone to do simple household tasks (clean the dishes, do the laundry, etc.)? Wh...

Great Expectorations Moby-Drip Slime and Punishment Jane Eyre-ache Tissue of the d'Ubervilles Spittle House on the Prairie The Adventures of Hackleberry Finn Sinus Marner The Fever Dream of the Red Chamber Catch 22 Viruses Bridesheadache Revisited The Scratcher in the Eye Lord of the Flus The T-cell Count of Monte Cristo Atlas Sneezed The Old Man and the Vitamin C The Brothers Koughintheirheadsoff...

Dear Nicole, Thank you for submitting your application for "Tender Landings - A Reggio Emilia Tumbling Experience for Tots, Level III." We regret that we are unable to offer your son a space in our program at this time. As you know, preschool tumbling is a coveted, highly competitive and, frankly, undervalued branch of the gymnastic arts. Early childhood gymnastics teaches kids vital life skills l...

Look, hon, I know I forgot to pick up Sally from school, but it wasn't on the calendar. You have to put this stuff on our shared calendar. Same goes for remembering to not get fall-down drunk on the very afternoon I was to collect our daughter. I checked; "Don't have three strong Negronis followed by four even stronger Negronis" was nowhere to be found. Put it on the calendar! That's also what's g...