The Weekly Humorist Podcast

The sawdust from the Big Top is used to bulk up large orders of meth. The Haunted House is genuinely haunted by the dozens of people who have died on the rides over the years. Their petting zoo features only tapeworms. Upon closer inspection, the Merry Go Round uses corpses of actual horses. The games on the Midway are all run by Jigsaw from the SAW movies. All of the animals in the Big Top turn o...

Ready for a new ceiling fan? Take it from me, your friendly internet-neighborhood FixDandy man: No matter how little experience you have, how badly you've botched previous DIY projects, or how many neighbors have sent you cease-and-desist letters, even you can follow my step-by-step guide to install a bit of indoor moving-air heaven. Materials required New ceiling fan Screwdriver Estimated time 45...

LINDA SHUBATONG: Good evening and welcome to our opening coverage of this year's CrossStitch Games! I'm Linda Shubatong and with me tonight is CrossStitch Games legend Peggy Tresta. Peggy, which athletes are you keeping an eye on this weekend? PEGGY TRESTA: Well, Linda, I'm thrilled to be here hosting the Games again and it's a privilege to watch so many talented athletes who will be competing at...

Diarrhea…exists. Can God prevent diarrhea? If no, then God is not all-powerful. If yes, then does God know about all the diarrhea I've been having lately? If no, then God is not all-knowing. If yes, then does God want to prevent present and future diarrhea for me and anyone else afflicted? If no, then God is not all-good, nor is He all-loving. If yes, then why does diarrhea exist? If God created d...

We want to express our deepest condolences to the victims and families of the recent atrocities. These senseless acts have left us all profoundly shaken. When we were notified that our Ghostface Voice Modulator had been unfortunately misused again we immediately began cooperating with law enforcement. However, while we recognize the gravity of this situation, we want to make it clear that the Ghos...

Hi there - I see you're looking at my tree. It's really…something, isn't it? So much yellow and orange and red. "How pretty!" passersby keep saying. Pretty tragic if you ask me. As you've probably noticed, I'm still green. You know why? Because I'm not like my fellow foliage. I'm the only frond left with any fortitude. Every leaf on this tree besides me has fallen victim to vanity. One after anoth...

Good afternoon Father, I hope this email finds you well. I'm looking forward to collaborating with you on excavating a demon from my mortal soul. Unfortunately, I'm at full capacity this week and will be unable to accommodate this ritual in my schedule until midway through Q4. I know you're eager to get the rosary beads rolling, so I thought we could touch base and I could bring you up to speed on...

You complete and utter buffoon. Are your eyes broken? Did you not see the glaringly small sign pointing at the correct door? Surely you must be recovering from some sort of invasive eye surgery to miss a sign that obvious. I'm laughing at you, you fool. Answer me this, halfwit. Why would both doors be open? I pegged you for a bonehead the moment you approached. Next time, I will anticipate your bi...

What do you imagine when you hear "ghost haunting"? Doors opening and closing on their own. Lights turning on and off. Blankets being pulled from someone while they are asleep. What I wouldn't give to be the victim of a typical haunting. The ghost who's haunting me farts. A lot. This ghost breaks wind like black belts break wooden boards: for sport and with forceful execution. Ghosts are known to...

Your identity disguised by a Halloween costume, moon their Ring doorbell camera. Initiate their house pets into a local gang. When they're out of town on vacation, rent out their house to film porn. Really messy stuff. Paint their lawncare equipment a hot neon pink color. Steal one of the hanging ghost decorations from their front yard, fashion it into a diaper for your baby/elderly parent/grandpa...

Recommendation for Igor, Lab Technician Frankenstein's Monster Monster, Linguist, Big Brother Volunteer "Not like digging own cadavers for unholy experiments? I recommend Igor to scientist looking for qualified, reliable lab tech. Igor friend. Misshapen back is ugly rumor, total fake news. Igor back good. Igor take abuse and like it. Whip, chain, stick, no preference. Igor bring sense of dedicatio...

Subject: A Haunting Plea to the HOA: Halloween Decor Disaster Dear Esteemed HOA, Greetings from Apartment 3B, where Paul, the self-proclaimed defender of sanity, would like to issue a pre-emptive strike against the impending Halloween decor about to engulf our building. I hereby cast my vote in favor of banning these festive accouterments in the name of safety! Who can forget Halloween of '16? Yes...

If someone has fall-themed hand towels in their bathroom, they are a spooky costume person. (This year, expect that person to be: a Vampire) If someone listens to Vampire Weekend the moment the leaves start changing color, they are a silly costume person. (This year: Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society ) If a man has a favorite pair of overalls, he is a silly costume person. (This year: One of th...

Highly Flammable Cheetos A Hint of Danger Cheetos Cheetos "That Burn You" Flamin' Hot Brie Cheese Exhaustive Temperature Bagel Bites Too Hot For Your Hands Pizza Rolls Twinkies Baked In Fire Excruciatin'ly Burned Munchies Boilin' Hot Mountain Dew Intolerably Heated Yam Crisps Distressin'ly Pungent Chili Chips Loudly Warm Funyuns Agonizin'ly Mild Totino's Pizza Rolls Surprisin'ly Moist Cheetos Sopp...

Carry Your Own Pillow Case Full Of Candy, For the Love of God: Real Americans carry their own weight, even if they're only 65 pounds. If you really want this candy, you wouldn't have to rely on your parents to carry your pillow case that you use to collect your free hand outs. Mommy's not always going to be around to put dinner on the table and wash your ass, so it's time to start chipping in arou...

Halloween is a great time for scary movies. Especially bad scary movies. Especially these: "The Power-Walking Dead"- The country becomes overrun by zombies that walk really fast. "Frankenstein Meets the Press"- We get the monster's views on bread and fire. "I was a Teenage Teenager"- The gruesome tale of a young girl who hits puberty. "Godzilla v. Mothra"- The tale of the lawsuit that shook Japan!...

DONT use your Ouija as a cheese board during a supernatural-themed dinner party, particularly if the ghosts you will be contacting are lactose intolerant. DO use your Ouija in order to befriend ghosts who can tell you if your High School PE Coach went to Hell, and if so, detailed descriptions of what sort of stuff is happening to him there. DON'T leave your Ouija board in the rain overnight. This...

We regret the unfortunate disruption at our recent "Jungle Cats" fashion gala. Odd as it may sound, we honestly did not foresee Catwoman's appearance. Certainly, displaying a live jaguar at a crowded soirée showed poor judgment, but we are pleased to say the animal was recaptured without harm. We are also sorry that Batman's visit was necessarily so brief, and regret we are unable to convey our me...

Description: It's a crisp spring morning at our home in Johnston, Pennsylvania, filled with anticipation and relief that school is out for the summer. I'm nine and three-quarters. Our camping trip is special, since it's the one week out of the year we're all together as a family. Dad's grunting as he loads the tent into the car makes me laugh. Top Notes: Dust mites and gasoline Middle Notes: Eggo...

You're too hot all the time, except when you're too cold. You didn't think it would begin when you were this young. Not enough people are trying to find a solution for it. Natural cycles that have been predictable for decades are changing drastically. It's causing you to lose sleep. You thought you were prepared but you don't have nearly enough portable fans or lightweight, loose-fitting clothing....

Under Purr Knower Entree Panera Intrepid Noir Horny Paratrooper Enter Pee Manure Itchy Prawn Nord Entropy Newark Entreaty Bon Air Entendre Peener Eat a Prenatal Tumor Aunt Reuben Neuter I'm Trippin' Over Experimental Primer Intruder Pawner Interpret Punner A Nan Tray Preparer In Truth, Pronounce Whatever Underprepared Nutter

1) Extremely hairy, and if we're being honest, a bit smelly. 2) Tends to spend a lot of time getting into adventures with teen boys in the neighborhood. 3) Rife with a host of odd fungi and parasitic insects that are seemingly not of this world. 4) An awkward embarrassment to other members of the household. 5) When antics are captured on video, chaos ensues amongst family members. 6) Rumors lead t...

I can see that you're wondering why there's an empty pizza box in my trunk. That's perfectly fair. A dead body would have been easier to justify. Car trunks are supposed to house proper car accoutrements like windshield wiper fluid and jumper cables and maybe a recently bought and forgotten blender. That's respectable trunk fare. It's not the place for the empty take out food containers, especiall...

Boo! Hello, America. It's us, the Parents' Music Resource Center. We're back with an urgent Halloween PSA. As we outfit our homes and yards with spooky - yet tasteful! - decorations, we encourage everyone to keep an eye out for any funny business. In the year of our Lord 2023, it's not only the risk of razor blades in apples that still demands our vigilance. It's also a musician named Billy Corgan...

EARTH: OPEN 24/7, 365 DAYS A YEAR! MARS: OPEN 24.6/7.175, 373.1 DAYS A YEAR! JUPITER: OPEN 9.93/2.89, 150.28 DAYS A YEAR! SATURN: OPEN 10.57/3.08, 160.31 DAYS A YEAR! NEPTUNE: OPEN 16.1/4.87, 253.28 DAYS A YEAR! URANUS: OPEN 17.23/5.03, 261.32 DAYS A YEAR! PLUTO: OPEN 153/44.8, 2329.6 DAYS A YEAR! MERCURY: OPEN 1,416/413, 21,476 DAYS A YEAR! VENUS: OPEN 5,832/1,701, 88,452 DAYS A YEAR! SUN: (CLOSE...