The Weekly Humorist Podcast

Outdoor Film in the Cavern Bowling in the Cavern Concert. in the Cavern Art Installation. in the Cavern Beer Garden. in the Cavern Everything. in the Cavern Shit. We live inside a Cavern. Don't know if I can deal with living in a cavern the rest of my life. I mean, it wouldn't be so bad - if it weren't for the neurotoxic slugs and blinding bacteria. We probably should've scouted out this cavern be...

Dear Personal Trainer, Look, I know the washroom stunk when you came to use the urinal, but what did you expect? The urinals are directly in front of 5 bathroom stalls, which were all in use. That's 5 guys dropping a deuce in an enclosed space. Do the math: 5 times deuce equals double-digit dumping. You don't have to be a genius to know that's not going to smell like potpourri. Have you ever walke...

Step one: Pencils down. Do not just dive in, and actually do the job at hand. No real writer actually begins writing when they need to write. You need to give your idea space, let it breathe. You need to circle it, like a concussed deer who has staggered into the woods after a near-death collision with your Ford F-150. Zig zag around it; don't let it get your scent - or maybe, by zig zagging, lett...

Matterhornier It's a Medium Size World After All The Magic Carpets and Drapes of Aladdin Swiss Family Tree Mansion Dumbo The Flying First Class Elephant Even Bigger Thunder Mountain Pirates of the Caribbean Cruise Line Country Club Bear Jamboree Muppet Vision 3.5 D The Twilight Zone Luxury Tower of Terror

As you probably have already read on his daily blog, deGrasse Is Always Greener, Neil deGrasse Tyson had a field day explaining in great detail why the recent movie Moonfall is the most "scientifically inaccurate" movie ever filmed. Fascinating to be sure, but what does he think about other recent films? No Time To Die "On the contrary, I'm afraid. This 007 James Bond fellow would have more than l...

#10. Brain Like most CEOs, this controller of the entire operation also tends to be the biggest dick, which is why it comes in last on our list. Although complex and impressive, the brain can be extremely prone to malfunction and inefficiency, also like most CEOs. The brain has a sick sense of humor, and enjoys practical jokes like making you unable to remember your significant other's date of bir...

Female Lead's Sidekick She's asexual (but the word ace will never be used). She might have a job, but who really knows? She has no hopes or dreams other than making Female Lead laugh as she navigates a tumultuous will they/won't they with Male Lead. You can expect Female Lead's Sidekick to assert herself once when Female Lead lashes out at her or takes her for granted for the 700th time. But then,...

Thank you, Mr. Chairman, if I may ask respectfully, do you believe in life after love? Mr. Chairman, in your opinion, do honorary Oscars count? Would you still love your wife if she was a worm, Mr. Chairman? Mr. Chairman, do you believe Paul Simon regrets letting Art Garfunkel sing "Bridge Over Troubled Water"? Mr. Chairman, to the best of your ability, can you name every member of Vinny Chase's e...

Thanks for such a lovely dinner. It was really cool of you to help film my "POV: A First Date In Manhattan" video for TikTok. Sorry your pasta went cold, but Zara will be stoked that my followers will see a Zara blazer on someone having a nice date. I hope I didn't talk too much about brands, though. When you create content for a living, it's easy to get sucked into that spon-con mindset, and once...

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da = Just trying it out, letting the mouth and tongue do their things. Dad will hear it and think it's about him - typical. Still, you wonder why I didn't say ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma. wid-toe-bobo ka aaaah? = Are you my mother? I thought the lady who takes care of me for eight hours a day and then leaves when you come home is my mother. She's more fun than you. gat-gat-nah = Pick me...

Your puppet may be possessed by a vicious demon, or simply by a pleasant dead person who loves hanging out on the couch and binge-watching Blossom. Don't be presumptuous, ask a few questions and find out! When, not if, you catch your puppet humping another of your stuffed toy animals, be sure not to shame him. But at the same time, do not make any attempt to feign acceptance by joining in. You wil...

Elon Musk, the world's richest rich person, in his attempts to stop the cash hemorrhage that is the site formerly known as Twitter, is once again floating a plan to institute fees for all tweeters, er, I mean, X-ers (???) to pay to use the site. Sure, it's easy to dismiss the ideal flat out without seeing what the fees will look like. So, here's what the fees will look like so you can dismiss them...

I wish to let go of some story ideas. like the succubus colonoscopy. An Oscar category for movies released 38 years ago. Maximum Overdrive wins. A pair of those pants that look like jeans but feel like sweatpants A single breakfast with Dean Koontz where he doesn't ask me about what I'm working on and then furiously writes in his notebook Updated bivalent Covid booster Waterstarter? The blinking c...

Hunger Strike - Temple of the Dog Sabotage - Beastie Boys Pardon Me - Incubus Deep Inside of You - Third Eye Blind Long way down - Goo Goo Dolls Down in a Hole - Alice In Chains Down in it - Nine Inch Nails Release - Pearl Jam Slide - Goo Goo Dolls Evenflow - Pearl Jam Drain you - Nirvana My Wave - Soundgarden Sick of Myself - Matthew Sweet Misery - Soul Asylum Can't Stop - Red Hot Chili Peppers B...

"No Fat Chicks, Fat Presidents Are Okay" "My Other Car Is A Bomb On Wheels That I Drive Into Large Crowds Of Libtards" "My Child Is An Honor Student At Florida High School, Which Honestly Is Nothing To Brag About" "Jesus Is My Co-Pilot, But Would Like To Stress That He Wasn't Anywhere Near My Car On Jan 6th" "Stop The Steal, Not Counting The Barrels Of Moonshine That I Stole From My Cousin Buford"...

Hey, Queens! If you live in New York City and have an irregular heartbeat, you HAVE to check out Manhattan Cardiology Offices. Their Upper East Side location is to die for, but hopefully not in my case! Keep in mind, this place is as exclusive as Soho House when it was cool, so forget about a walk-in. You'll schedule with the office concierge, and it may take months to get off the waitlist. Don't...

Pack food the night before. Put shoes on in the car. For an on-the-go breakfast, freeze milk, a spoon, and cereal into something you'll call "morning popsies" until they move out. Dress kids the night before. Tie shoelaces the night before. Have kids brush their teeth twice the night before to avoid a morning brushing. Redefine "ready." Set the Roomba under your kids' bed as a fun and quirky littl...

Hollywood is in turmoil. Studios vs. tech firms. Streaming services vs. cable companies. Strikes. Mergers. Shortages of sparkling water. The thing is, this is all leading to the ultimate goal, which is to finally combine all the media companies into one big company and just churn out content without the fear of competition or quality. Once one company owns everything, all it has to do is start run...

Donner Party Pitch: Survivor meets Top Chef, when this week's contestants cook last week's losers. Reason for cancellation: After entire first season was filmed, show was vetoed by corporate lawyers for on-screen cannibalism. College Admissions Cage Match Pitch: Fifty top-achieving high school seniors, one ticket to Harvard. Reason for cancellation: "Donation to endowment" for guaranteed spot for...

One from the mean streets of Liverpool, England, the other from the sprawling cornfields of DeKalb, Illinois; two brands forever intertwined thanks to their musicianship and iconic catalog. Today, we settle the great rock debate of the Beatles versus the Dino Dudes! Who you got? The Catalog In the U.S., the Beatles released 12 chart-topping studio albums, with instantly-recognizable melodies, from...

In 1998, four friends received a prison sentence of one year after unknowingly violating the Good Samaritan law of Latham, Massachusetts. Upon completing their sentences, the group agreed to cease communicating, as they determined their friendship to be forever cursed. The year is now 2023. Our story takes place at a funeral home in Queens, NY. George Costanza is giddy with excitement. His mother...

Cheeks Ahoy! Popular podcast aimed at listeners who have buttocks covered with large moles, as well as an obsession with the idea that said buttocks bear a strong resemblance to Chips Ahoy cookies. Hosted by Ryan Seacrest and your mom. DilDOH'!! Great gathering spot for the quickly growing number of people who regularly use dildos shaped and painted to look like characters from the popular animate...

"I've been to Verona and it looks nothing like that." "The words they were using were English, but the order in which they said them was all wrong." "Mercutio kept looking at me." "As someone whose family is also mired in a generations-long feud, it felt nice to be represented." "Who is this Shakespeare everyone is talking about? Did he play Romeo?" "If I would have known this was a girly play I w...