The Weekly Humorist Podcast

"With access in and out of Burning Man closed for the time being, a new dire problem has arisen: No one can clean or empty the portable toilet." - SF Gate Aviator goggles rubber cemented onto a fedora Bejeweled 2 x 4 Cash decorated as Monopoly money Orange cone with dandy leather hat and sequined whip DayGlo wicker man Inflatable warlord spade Spiked corset with whistles and pulleys Hammer pants w...

Make sure that a life guard is present, even if it's your pervy uncle hiding in the bushes. Sorry, you're not completely naked as long as you're still wearing that colostomy bag. Carefully placed leeches can help cover portions of your body that make you feel insecure. By all means, feel free to skinny dip while wearing an artificial limb; in a worst-case scenario, the limb can be used as a floata...

Being that Labor Day celebrates unions and the achievements of American workers, are we allowed to celebrate it this year while SAG-AFTRA negotiations with studios are ongoing? If by celebrating it, you mean "attend a pool party that will be filmed and used as b-roll for another Hot Tub Time Machine sequel," then nope. Wait, what else am I not allowed to do this Labor Day? Until contracts are sett...

All the leftwing press claiming the WGA and SAG-AFTRA strikes will delay the upcoming network and cable season is nonsense. We don't need those self-indulgent writers and actors anymore, we've got it covered. Here's the preliminary lineup we're working on. Alliance of Motion Pictures and Television Producers Monday Nights 8 pm: House Hunters Regional: After getting evicted from their homes due to...

Just posted to KaraokeClubContest.com is the transcript from last night's Karaoke night: HOST: Oh, you came. Welcome to Depressing Karaoke Night. If you're not bummed yet, you totally will be. First up, we have Amanda coming up. Hi, Amanda. AMANDA: Hello. HOST: So, what are you preparing to sing for us tonight? AMANDA: "Dust in the wind." HOST: That's a buzz kill. AMANDA: Oh, for sure. HOST: Take...

Fox News host Jesse Watters said of Donald Trump's mugshot: "I say this with an unblemished record of heterosexuality: he looks good, and he looks hard." Age 16 Lost virginity to high school girlfriend Jane Doe, a real girl who went to my high school but has since changed her last name, her first name, and all distinguishing physical characteristics so no one can ever look her up. Age 18 Had so mu...

1. The label on the bottle of pills I received at the pharmacy does not have an alcohol warning. It merely contains the doctor's name, a phone number to call if I need help, and a few other statements I can't see due to blurry vision resulting from spiked blood sugar levels. 2. If there truly is a problem with recreational substance abuse while taking anti-inflammatory meds, then I think only heav...

God, would you look at this place? What a nightmare! I remember back when this city was nice. But now, for so many reasons, it just isn't. I look around, and I just shake my head at what this city has become. Sometimes it saddens me. Other times, it enrages me. There are so many things wrong with this city that it's hard to even know where to begin. I'll start with this, and let me say it very pla...

My fellow conservatives, it is time to let go of the past and instead look ahead to the future. President Trump served this country well, but he has become too divisive to be the Republican nominee again. We need a sensible, not-Trump candidate who can win back independents, but who is also a culture warrior who can appeal to the MAGA base. We must defeat liberal wokeism, critical race theory, gay...

Sweet Home Appalachian Dixie With Myself Born To Run Bootleg Hillbilly Jean Is Not My Love Dark Side of the Moonshine Bark at the Moonshine Bluehemian Grasspody Smells Like Hay Fever I Wanna Rocky Top All Night Johnny B. Goat A Pear Tree For Destruction Back in Blacklung Van Hollerin' Hotel Cornbread For Ya Wish You Were Deer

Anyone in the Memphis area driving to Vermont today? My son Jaden forgot his inhaler. Would love to get it to him ASAP!! (And for anyone who's about to DM me to say if my 18-year-old can't remember his inhaler, maybe he's not ready to live 1,300 miles from home, check yourself!) - Peace, Jaden's mom I know Veronique has only been on campus for 36 minutes, but she's horribly homesick. Can one of yo...

Personal Assistant: Ms Trump? There's someone here to see you. Tiffany: Ugh, more paparazzi? Is it the New York Times? Personal Assistant: Er, no. I'm afraid they haven't returned any of your calls yet. Tiffany: Well, who is it then?? GrubHub Driver: Hey, it's just your breakfast delivery ma'am. Tiffany: Ah, yes! Please come forward. GrubHub Driver: Oh hey, you're that lady, from tv! Tiffany: Yes,...

A child is screaming at the top of their lungs. Any and all loose items are dislodged. Someone is forcefully ejected from their seat. There's juice on your lap. The floor is covered in tiny bags of snacks. It occurs urgently and violently, even on a clear sunny day. Nearby strangers make intense worried eye contact. Your partner is somehow sleeping. A loose toy hits you in the face. Your only viab...

Now you've done it, Rodriguez, the mayor is up my ass on this one! This is the third time this week your shoot first, ask questions later attitude has resulted in a soup kitchen being destroyed. People are starting to ask questions down at city hall. The first $20 million in damage nobody noticed, but the bills are starting to pile up and get people talking. You are on thin ice Rodriguez, and I ca...

Mandatory eye contact for five seconds to get the awkwardness out of the way Buttons made of chocolate so riders can get their sugar fix after selecting their floor Sand to give it a cool beach vibe Sand crabs and arguing families to give it a more authentic beach vibe Pigeons "Elevator Captains" responsible for introducing riders to each other to create a forced sense of community. They'll wear n...

You want to be president, and I want to help you look like one! Hi, I'm the Nooch, your new nutritionist, because the campaign trail adds ten pounds and you already need to drop fifty. My qualifications are fifteen years of disordered eating and that I recently completed an online certification by clicking through the answers on an internet quiz each week for eight weeks until I got all green chec...

Aside from Lanyard Making 101 and Ashtray Sculpture For Beginners, there are also several classes devoted to creating cyanide capsules from basic household ingredients. The weekly "Nature Walk" typically involves walking into town to protest at a Planned Parenthood location. The camp's supply of life jackets have pockets filled with rocks. On Parents Weekend, rather than your actual parents, you'r...

First it was the woke haters going after Luke Combs's "Fast Car," then Jason Aldean's "Try That In A Small Town." Now negativity is coming my way because of my new #1 country hit. Deep down it's a song about everyone in this beautiful Nation coming together, if you really listen to it. But for people with the woke mind virus, where my fans and I can see love, all you haters can see is politics, vi...

Hi there! Welcome to the neighborhood. These are my pawsitively favorite spots: Dirt Patch You'll find it nearly impossible to pass up this patch of dirt and gravel. Nestled cozily behind Unpredictable Cat's basketball goal, this is a great area for digging, rolling, and huffing piss. Big Bushes An inviting green space that can't be missed. Comprising several bushes at the edge of Nice Cat's yard,...

If you're like me, you die a bit inside every time you see the words "extra-virgin olive oil" in a recipe. Sure, it's a kitchen staple, but at this point it's just passé. Like all real internet chefs, I'm always on the prowl for innovative ingredients just like the ones used by my cooking heroes, Salt Bae and that woman who makes meals by dumping a half-dozen cans of stuff on top of a brick of Vel...

Wow, you two are terrific hosts. Thanks for having me at your cottage for the weekend and for the delicious welcome dinner. Please, let me clean up and do the dishes. No dishwasher? No problem! All I need is a sink to plug and a touch of dish soap. No, no, I insist. Doing the dishes is the least I can do to help. Look, I've already plugged the sink and it'll be full of water in no time. Pish posh,...

This week we are talking to comedy writer, pop culture fan, and trekkie, Justin Avery Smith. We chat about cosplay, comedy and his crush on Cmdr William T. Riker. Justin writes for Mcsweeney's, Slackjaw, RobotButt, The Whole Wheat Post, Points In Case, and Greener Pastures. Follow him @justinaverysmith

At our spa, we help clients de-stress from the daily onslaught of patriarchy, offering a wide selection of services that target the rage and hopelessness unbalancing your body, which dared to be non-white, heterosexual and male. Spa Services Body Positivity Wrap Your aesthetician will smash all of the mirrors in the treatment room prior to your arrival (upon request, we provide a small honeysuckle...

Look, it's high time we all acknowledged something: the number of baseball players spontaneously going up in flames has gotten way out of hand. It seems like not a game goes by now without at least one professional athlete being reduced to a pile of ash in the middle of a decisive innings. Picture this. You're sitting there melting in the grandstand, trying not to pay too much attention to the sta...

Hmm. Yes, that's a great question. Question of the hour really. I must admit that it has kind of caught me off guard. Though, I suppose it shouldn't have, considering this is an appointment for a haircut and you, Dave, have been cutting my hair for the last 12 years. Even so, your question has me at a bit of a loss. Of course, I've thought about how I wanted my hair prior to sitting down in the ch...