The Weekly Humorist Podcast

It's so hot that my Hot Pockets are now Scalding Pockets. It's so hot Mary had a little braised lamb. It's so hot people are standing near pregnant women to be there when their water breaks. It's so hot my soup gave me brain freeze. It's so hot I hit on Megan Fox just to get the cold shoulder. It's so hot the breeze gave me a blowout. It's so hot my chicken laid a hard-boiled egg. It's so hot, my...

Popular Hues for an End-Stage World These pinks on pinks on pinks create an effect that makes the shrinking middle class puke the totally wrong shade of fuchsia. Dream Colors for Climate Change There's no camouflaging our burning planet. So might as well use paint colors that can be seen miles away in outer space. Maybe in a perfect world we'll be rescued by a fleet of alien dolls. Interesting Sha...

Armchair: A regular therapist. Chaise lounge: A regular therapist, who takes naps between clients. Hard wooden chair: A therapist who wants you to feel physically and emotionally uncomfortable until you find just the right spot to lean on. Eames chair: Well la-di-da, you've found yourself a fancy therapist with some well-to-do clients. His mother's / her father's favorite rocking chair: A Freudian...

"The Florida State Board of Education's new standards includes controversial language about how 'slaves developed skills which, in some instances, could be applied for their personal benefit,' according to a 216-page document about the state's 2023 standards in social studies, posted by the Florida Department of Education." Florida's State Academic Standards - Amendments, Social Studies, 2023 Grea...

Here is a transcript from today's press conference by local Mayoral Press Secretary, Carla Hobbes, concerning air-pollution from the Canadian wildfires: PRESS SECRETARY HOBBES: "Good afternoon. With air quality improving, our recommendation to stay indoors should be lifted by early next week. Let's take some questions." REPORTER #1: "Could the Mayor have done more to prepare the city for this scen...

Are your testicles in the same spot of your body that they were the last time that you wore a swimsuit? Do the various colors of the swimsuit do a good job of taking attention away from the bed-bug bites covering your back and thighs? Is that odd, sour cabbage type aroma just the bathing suit, or is that simply coming from you? Is this skimpy enough to attract desired attention, but not so skimpy...

"American Airlines and JetBlue Airways will end their partnership after a judge ruled that the deal violates antitrust law. JetBlue said Friday that it will end codesharing - the practice of selling seats on each other's flights - and reciprocal frequent-flyer benefits on July 21." #:~:text=American%20Airlines%20and%20JetBlue%20Airways,flyer%20benefits%20on%20July%2021. It is with great sadness th...

"Ahead of the July 21 film starring Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling, the Barbie parent company has been on a marketing blitz, ensuring that whether or not shoppers actually go see the movie, they will stumble on the 100-plus Barbie collaborations." - Wall Street Journal, July 17 You thought that your excitement over Barbie­-related products and media had reached its apex when you used AirBnB to sta...

I Know Why The Caged Turd Sings Shart of Darkness Draculumps The Great Shatsby (by F Scott Shitzgerland) A Tale of Two Shits To Kill a Mockingturd One Hundred Years of Solid Poo Stankenstein One Poo'd Over The Cuckoos Nest Great Expectashits Catch Number Two Poo-lysees The Grapes of Crap The Shart of War Brave Poo World The Smell Jar The Fellowshit of The Ring Doo Doo-ne Charlie and The Chocolate...

When my great uncle died a few months back, he left me one item in his will: his beloved penis pump. Kind of grossed me out at first, but then, quite by accident, I discovered the pump ("Greg" from here on out) has an impressive array of mystical properties. Perhaps most amazingingly, Greg can answer any question asked of him. Are the answers correct? Who cares? Do you have access to a penis pump...

"We just hired two assassins, but if you manage to catch and kill one of the new guys and bring us their hands, I can forward your resume to HR." "Do you have B2B sales experience? Because I spend ninety-five percent of managing my team's marketing funnel and only five percent filleting a low-level member of British royalty with a mustard spoon in the back of a London cab." "Not looking for assass...

1.The key players are a small motley crew. 2. The team is not technically employed by any particular entity. 3. It's not clear if or how anyone's getting paid. 4. The group is willing to do a bunch of crazy hijinks. 5. One guy in particular likes to show off all the stunts he can do himself. 6. Another guy always cracks jokes during tense scenes. 7. There's an excessive amount of masquerading as d...

The Little Engine That Could and the Controlled Release of Vinyl Chloride Harriet the Spy May or May Not Have Seen the Classified Documents at Mar-a-Lago Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day of Meetings That Could Have Been Emails The Very Hungry Caterpillar Has Been Seeing Lots of Online Ads for Ozempic Lately Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret, and You Should Probably K...

We at Betplex Wagermania offer the most heart-pounding, adrenaline-pumping table games, slots, and sports gambling anywhere, but we understand the destructive power of addiction. Furthermore, we’re against it. Per a recent settlement, we have to be. If you are unable to control your impulses, we encourage you to avail yourself of the complimentary counseling services at Betplex Wagermania’s Ultima...

Dr. Greta Jones (principal at PHS): In March 2020, during one of those anxious faculty meetings about how to teach over Zoom, Ms. Turkewitz was so worried about her needy cat being on camera. And I told her, “Don’t fight it! Use it.” Ellie S (student at PHS): We saw a lot of amazing pets that spring. Ms. Fernandez had a labradoodle named Muffin. Sam Miller had a cockatoo named Sir Sings-a-Lot. But...

Can you change the name to THREATS? That seems more appropriate for a social media platform. Is this FINALLY a home for my hilarious cat videos? Will this interfere with the signal to Bill Gates from my Covid shot Do I have to buy VR from Facebook to see Zuckerberg smacking Elon Avatar Will it crash like a Tesla on Autopilot to be as close to a Twitter clone as possible? Should I just give you all...

Notification #1: Order received! You should be receiving your Ikea fridge shortly after it is diligently sorted and transported by several of the NUMBER OF MEMBERS of the Teamsters Union, who are prepared to strike for a fair contract in August. Notification #2: We are Processing your order Notification #3: Estimated Delivery: Sometime Before August 1st If the date changes to after August 1st, can...

Ugh, has this place gone downhill. I don’t usually write reviews but I just had to let people know about this place, given how horrible my experience was compared to the day before. When I ate here just one day ago – July 4 – this place was full of energy. There were hundreds of people excitedly cheering and shouting. There were TV cameras. A guy announced my arrival over the PA system like I was...

Fireworks, right? Ugh. Who needs ’em? Look, I haven’t forgotten about the incident with the rug last year, and I know that your mate hasn’t allowed you to forget either. No one wants a repeat of that. Whoa, that’s a lot of hot dogs! Way too many for you and your mate to eat, even if other members of your pack are coming over as well. If one or two were to, say, slip out of your hands and fall onto...

“A Florida principal has resigned after students at a Christian charter school in Tallahassee were shown the statue of the biblical figure David by Michelangelo, prompting at least one parent to complain that the children had been exposed to pornography.” To the satan-worshipping, free love snowflake in charge of my child’s so called “Christian” school, It has come to my attention that on Tuesday...

“It’s Christmas time, and there’s no need to be afraid.” of this 2001 Ford Taurus! Rated two thumbs-up by both of our mechanics, this beaut would almost certainly pass state inspection if our state had one. But we don’t, whew. Ha ha! “Christmas comes this time each year.” But these truck bargains WON’T LAST. “We need a little Christmas right this very minute,” and you need a rebuilt aftermarket Hy...

You shouldn’t judge my mother. She was a single mom working a full-time job and raising two small children. Of course, she found it difficult to date men who weren’t put off or intimidated by the fact that she had kids. Perhaps it’s only natural that she gravitated towards quasi-mythical holiday gift-bearing immortal figures like Santa Claus. He wasn’t afraid of children, not in the least. We were...