The Weekly Humorist Podcast

If it’s almost winter and you’ve set up a candelabra with eight (plus one) spots for candles, you must be getting ready to celebrate Hanukkah, by lighting the menorah. If it’s almost winter and you’ve set up a press conference to wish Happy Hanukkah to all who celebrate, while attending a fundraising event hosted by Marjorie Taylor Greene, you’re gaslighting the Jewish people. If you put A Rugrats...

Hot cocoa and Facetime chat with the Easter Bunny’s wife and the Tooth Fairy’s partner. Hide Santa’s Cialis (find a better hiding place than last year!!). Fertilize Santa’s marijuana crop with more of Rudolph’s magical droppings. That weed gets you sooooooo fucked up! Place Frosty’s magic hat onto life-sized cardboard cut-out of Brad Pitt, hope for the best. Return the Cartel’s phone call, re the...

Once, to save this guy George Bailey’s life and help this bumbling angel Clarence get his Wings, God allowed George got to see what life would be like if he’d never existed. At the time, I was also an Angel/Second Class (I prefer “Aspiring Angel”) and was unaware we could just do that. Like, poof! “Here’s an entire, immersive Alternate Reality to help save your soul!” OK. Might’ve been nice to kno...

A check for $700. Perfect for diamond earrings, a vacation to The Bahamas, or, coincidentally, an abortion. A picture of your penis. Another picture of your penis. An email with a PDF attachment of a picture of your penis. A second email with a DropBox link to a picture of your penis in case she missed the last three. A Cartier love bracelet. She said all her sorority sisters have one. Finally mak...

Hey, y’all! Jill here back for another “Mommies on the Move” family blog! This blog is a must-read for all of you moms looking to get some ca-ute family holiday photos with Santa this year. Wondering which mall Santa is the best of the best within 20 miles of your wealthy suburb of Milwaukee? Jill’s got you covered! I already sat on all the mall Santa laps to find the best of the best. Here’s this...

“HBO Max has reversed course on its comedy series Minx — canceling the show despite an earlier renewal for a second season. [.] Season two had largely finished production before HBO Max scuttled it in the latest of a string of cost-cutting moves.” – The Hollywood Reporter, 12/12/2022 We here at HBOMax have opted not to proceed with the ten thousandth season of Earth, which was previously renewed i...

Hedging Annoying yardwork your parents make you do. Checking Account Seeing how many likes your Insta post got. Custodial Account Daily count of gum wads removed from the bottom of school desks. Gross Margin Penis doodles along the edges of your Great Expectations book. Margin Call The phone call your parent receives after the teacher spots your Gross Margin. CD When your parents force you to list...

The chest-burster in “Alien” Everybody knows this one, but few know it was totally unscripted. John Hurt had been doing this crazy thing at social events for a while, bursting suddenly into wild convulsions until a little alien popped out of his chest – he’d been kicked out of practically every Wendy’s in the Tri-State area for pulling that shit. The script had simply called for him to burp after...

Just in time for your hedonistic orgy of binge-TV at the holidays! With House of the Dragon now on hiatus, the most anticipated return to Westeros is this total reboot — a nod to fans disappointed by the lackluster finish of the original series. Using the proven science of personality, a “kingdom reorganization plan” reallocates our favorite players into highly productive, autonomous units. Allian...

Many have asked how I ended up where I am today—on a frigid mountain slope, nestled in an alpine cabin close to the gold mines of the upper Yukon River. I wasn’t always traipsing these mountains. Sure, this is how I got my start venturing into the wilds. Of course, most of my admirers know I made it to the North Pole helping my pals Rudolph the ruddy-nostril’d buck and Kirby the orthodontic elf. T...

The Official Country Crock Podcast, which typically limits it’s topics of discussion to their line of buttery spreads, for unknown reasons spent a recent portion of their show interviewing The Grinch. Below is the transcript of that talk. Country Crock Brock- Grinch! My man! Welcome to the Country Crock Podcast! The Grinch- Hello there! Thank you for having me on your program. CCB- Absolutely! Now...

The Krampus, the goat-like German Christmas demon, is responsible for spreading a festive mix of anxious joy and existential terror every year on December 6th when he comes to punish the naughty children. But once the Christmas season is past, who takes over the hallowed task of striking warmth and dread into the hearts of people, throughout the year? Valentines Day – der Herzensbrecher (The Heart...

This episode of Talkward welcomes Amy Fusselman, author of the new novel ‘The Means’ which follows the character Shelly Means and her hilarious quest to own a beach house in the Hamptons. Shipping containers, talking dogs, anger management classes, and vision boards make up this very funny book. Follow her @amyfusselman and http://amyfusselman.com

Hello, and welcome to the Olive Garden! My name is Giovanni, and I’ll be your sommelier for the evening. May I interest you in our delicious selection of wines? Excellent. Each of our choices tonight was hand-picked to perfectly complement your last day on the face of our ruined, smoldering Earth. More free breadsticks? Sure, I’ll make sure to tell your server. Let’s start with our splendid assort...

“The stunning news spread that Bob Iger would return to Disney as CEO, ending the stormy tenure of his successor, Bob Chapek.” –Variety Finding a replacement CEO can be stressful. For every million dollar salary and annual incentive-based award of $25 million, there are very few candidates who are right for the job. It’s a challenge we at the Bob Committee know well. From Bob I. to Bob C. back to...

Winnie the Pooh Sensibility: Pooh is a naive bear with a one-track mind. While pouring out your heart, you notice his head stuck in a honey jar. Further attempts at serious chats prove to be futile. Dependability: Despite his absent-mindedness, Pooh generally comes through for the people he loves. Just don’t expect speedy results when assigning him a to-do list. Fuckability: Pooh is a thiccc ass b...

We know a fair amount about Ancient Rome based on written records and archeological discoveries. However, there’s little to no information regarding the fitness industry during this time. As an avid Wikipedia enthusiast who gets the occasional lift in, I decided to take it upon myself to fill this gaping hole in the written record, based on context clues and what can be best described as amateuris...

Sell your soul before 12/31/22 and receive a free glow-in-the-dark Mariah Carey fanny pack. Vial of sacrificial virgin’s tears from an actual cute virgin, and not from someone who just couldn’t get laid. All demon-conjuring kits include a free smoke detector. All inverted cross actually prepared as inverted, and not just normal crosses that we turned upside down. Buy one get one free electronic ai...

Old Fashioned Passive Aggressive Barb Served by your mother-in-law, this multi-layered concoction includes everything from your parenting choices to the fact you use avocado based mayonnaise and returned a shower gift nine years ago. Top with a maraschino cherry, unless that’s “not organic” enough for you. Whiskey Sour Grapes Add one shot of Jim Beam and three and a half decades of resentment over...

Don’t smile until Thanksgiving: To earn your kindergarten students’ respect, start the year off strict and smile-free. Your students might test your anti-smiling resolve prior to Thanksgiving by saying cute things like, “You’re my best fwend” or “I wuv you.” Do not break. If students catch you smiling before Thanksgiving, they will probably assume you are a professional clown. Making serious faces...

According to Qatar’s legal code, freedom of expression is restricted, homosexuality is illegal and sex outside marriage is outlawed. Public drunkenness can incur a prison sentence of up to six months and some things considered benign elsewhere, like public displays of affection or wearing revealing clothes, can be grounds for arrest. Hello football lovers and partygoers from all over the world! We...

4:02am Sunlight is hours away yet I am wide awake. Today is Thanksgiving Eve and my Death Day, and I can not sleep. Within 36 hours I will be on the president’s plate, baked. 6:51am The sun rises. It’s as good a time as any to get my affairs in order. I have a nest and three berries to my name, and I will give them all to my wife, Turesa. 7:56am I made a final plea to the United States Supreme Cou...

Thank you all for joining me in our family’s idling minivan for what I hope will be a fruitful and mutually-respectful discussion of the many challenges we are currently facing here inside our closed garage. First, as you all know, I’ve recently lost my job. That’s put a strain on the family budget. Second — your mother — my wife — has admitted to an affair with her meditation guru. She’ll be fill...

It seems like every other day you open up your feed and there is another national something day. National Pizza Day, National Couples Day, National Restless Leg Syndrome Awareness Day. But there are some other very important days that we must add to our society. National Procrastination Day Right now planning to have January 14th but might move it to February 21st, just a lot going on right now. N...