The Weekly Humorist Podcast

What to Know Before You Buy We here at Twitter.com want you to be satisfied with your investment. Before you publicly announce your intention to purchase this long standing social media site please be sure of the following: Log onto Twitter and ask yourself, “Do I want this?” I mean it. Open Twitter and actually say out loud, “Do I want to be the owner of this nightmare?” Go to a group of 10th gra...

You’re walking along and you see a house engulfed in flames. Fight: You immediately run into the house and rescue the family trapped inside. Flight: You get out of the way, giving firefighters space to rescue the family trapped inside. Flex: You rip your shirt off and flex really hard at the house fire with the family trapped inside. The police are chasing an assailant down the street towards you....

Gary and Ross talk brisket and Bruno Mars with New Yorker and The Onion writer Carlos Greaves.

Sesame Street is like most other streets in our country. Crumbling infrastructure in desperate need of repair, occupied by residents weighed down by despair and worry. It’s no wonder that we all occasionally snap for a moment and speak out of hand. Of course, when the hand in question is controlling a Muppet, the results tend to find their way to the spotlight more often than not. Ernie Cancelled...

“‘I think if they win, I should get all of the credit, and if they lose, I should not be blamed at all,’ Trump told NewsNation, adding: ‘But it will probably be just the opposite.’” –CNN, 11/9/22 I’m the mechanic who changed your tires last week even though you actually needed a new carburetor. Don’t worry, I charged you for the carburetor and not the tires. The carburetor is much more expensive....

I’m Cologuard, the box you poop into. I’m a noninvasive way to detect altered DNA in your stool to find 92% of colon cancer and 56% of your maladaptive personality disorders, even in early stages. False positives may occur, but what do I care? You’re the asshole taking a shit in a box. Who takes a cute little box with a face and limbs and rips him open to insert poop? I’ll tell you who–people with...

Get a temporary tattoo on your forearm that says “I Voted.” Text your booty call “U Up? I Voted.” Reply all to an irrelevant company email chain containing 182 email addresses, write “I Voted.” Tell your significant other “we need to talk,” and then tell them “I Voted.” Come out to your family, announce “I Voted.” Hire a photographer typically used for engagements and pregnancy announcements and s...

9:32 AM — Hi! I’m your state’s Republican candidate for Governor. I got your number from some voter registry list. Can I count on your support this Election Day? I’m texting you because I don’t trust the polls and figure if I slide into your phone without consent, you’ll definitely vote for me. 9:33 AM If you want to opt out of these messages reply “STOP” and I’ll continue sending them to you. 12:...

This episode of Talkward welcomes comedy writer and author Gary Almeter! Gary’s new humor book ‘The Official Dream Dinner Party Handbook’ explores the question: If you could have dinner with anyone, living or dead, who do you pick? How do you choose? And how can it all go terribly wrong? It’s very funny and you should buy it right now!

Really milk the system, stick it to the man with these tips! All You Can Eat Buffets Now this is already a common practice. But, I suggest you take it to the extreme, taking “all you can eat” literally. See it as not only a test of will but of fortitude. By the time you leave, waiters should be disgusted with the amount of food you’ve consumed. Comments like “We’ve never had to ask anyone to leave...

Happy second birthday, Jackson. Here is a fun ball that features the likeness of the Sesame Street character Elmo. It bounces, too. I selected this gift because I’ve heard from your dad, Matt, that you are interested in Sesame Street characters and bouncy balls. I have been friends with your father since we weren’t much older than you are now. There he is, watching our conversation with his tradem...

Kanye Earth 27- I call to order this emergency meeting of the multiversal Council Of Kanyes. Very sorry about the last minute notice, but I’m sure that we can all agree that things are getting out of control quickly. Kanye Earth XND– Jesus Florglatz, what has he done now? Kanye Earth 47B– Seriously?? How can you have possibly missed it? Even if you weren’t watching the Multiversal News, certainly...

True! Nervous – very, very dreadfully nervous I had been and am; but why will you say that I am mad? The desire that seized me – that gripped me – was natural. Many a mortal man has felt the same yearning. So – pray – I urge you – attend to my tale. And then – then – tell me if you really believe me to be mad! I cannot say what caused the idea to take root in my mind. Only that, suddenly, it had....

I left my fridge cracked open all night. Please do not judge me. It was very much an accident and I very much need your help. In our current apocalypse, I can’t afford to throw out anything unnecessarily. After all, groceries are gold, and we will soon be forced to use soft cheeses and gluten free English muffins to barter with Bezo-Muskians for safe passage off Earth! All this considered, I must...

The same thing every year: eleven months of schlepping our lonely way to the unhallowed grove and then BAM! The last week of October there are three square miles of parked cars around our sinister hidden shrine. Which, hello? HIDDEN SHRINE, people! Try not to tip off the whole freaking world to our secret unspeakable rites, ‘kay? Where were all you seasonal Satanists the rest of the year, when we...

What’s this evil fee? Over Draftula! It’s #MoneyAMonster on this week’s trending joke game! Here are some of the best on @HashtagRoundUp powered by @TheHashtagGame. Play our comedy hashtag twitter games every Wednesday at 11 am EST. Let’s play #MoneyAMonster with co-host @HashtagRoundup powered by @TheHashtagGame TOP TWEETS go up on Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) October 26, 2022 Accountant Dra...

PLAY IT COOL: So your fiancée woke up with a pumpkin for a head? No worries, just pump the brakes a little bit and acknowledge that the first thing you’re going to want to do is scream. Loudly. Like you’ve been dropped onto the set of Tod Browning’s “Freaks”. But I’m telling you very calmly: don’t. Bite your lip, smile like the normal-headed human you are, and discreetly start taking down all the...

Dear students, parents, faculty members, and boosters: For more than 200 years, Spooky High has been the preeminent educational facility in this area for young monsters, supernatural entities, and horrifying creatures, all seeking to learn in a safe environment free from the persecutions and distractions of the mainstream world. Our alumni are world-renowned, including the Frankenstein creation, s...

Gary and Ross kick things off by sharing which three people they would each invite to dinner. Pre-order the book today

Quickly Aggravating News-Obtuse Nationalists Questioning ANTIFA’s Necessarily Ominous Notifications Quashing America’s Nicely Organized Nation Queasily Affirms Nostradamus’ Own Nightmares Quagmires Americans Needing Overt Normalcy

Jolly Radishes Sour Patch Kales York Bell Peppermint Patties M&Ms (Mushrooms & Mushrooms) O-nion Henry! Peas (with Peas Dispenser) Whatchamacauliflower Baby Ruthabaga Chick-o-Jicama Now and Tater Everlasting Gobsquasher Cotton Cabbage Kinder Eggplant Bok League Choy Candy Corn

I’m sorry I didn’t open the Evite and read the details about the family event you kindly invited me to. I’m sorry I kept our pinky promise from when we were 12 that we’d always dress up for Halloween. I’m sorry I brought pumpkin spice Jell-O shots to the classy restaurant you generously rented out for your family visiting from Colorado and a few close friends. I’m sorry I pregamed with a few Jell-...

Reese’s Pieces of Flesh! It’s #KillerCandies on this week’s trending joke game! Here are some of the best on @HashtagRoundUp powered by @TheHashtagGame. Play our comedy hashtag twitter games every Wednesday at 11 am EST. Let’s play #KillerCandies with co-host @HashtagRoundup powered by @TheHashtagGame TOP TWEETS go up on Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) October 19, 2022 Bit Her Finger #KillerCand...

Michael Myers After 45 years of chasing Jamie Lee Curtis, it’s safe to say I’m experiencing some burnout. I’ll still chase her, but I will be stopping to clock out every day at precisely 5 p.m. I need to regain some death-life balance. I want to spend less time killing and more time really living. There’s all this pressure nowadays to work harder or “walk faster”. Well, you know what? I’m going to...

“The case of Maitland Jones, the New York University professor who was fired after a student petition alleged his organic-chemistry course was too hard, is a great loss for the university—and all of academia, since he is the man who wrote the standard textbook on organic chemistry.”– The Wall Street Journal, October 11, 2022 The University takes the success of our students very seriously. Especial...