The Weekly Humorist Podcast

The Netflix show Dahmer-Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story has proven to be a huge hit for the network; but some viewers have found the show’s tone to be a bit insensitive and exploitative. Okay, sure, maybe. But giving credit where credit is due, at least they decided to refrain from releasing these horrid promotional items.. Jeffrey Dahmer: You Are Who You Eat cookbook Malibu Dahmer’s Dream Beach...

For better or worse, a decision was made early on that the new trio of Halloween films were to reverse two staples of the franchise’s mythos: 1) The convoluted storyline that makes Michael Myers both, Laurie Strode’s brother and a product of some ancient Druid curse 2) Haddonfield, Illinois as a stand-in for Anytown, USA However, in execution—and despite obvious, sincere intentions—the new (old) u...

Halloween is just about here. It should be a festive, spooky and, above all else, enjoyable occasion. I say “should” and not “will” because that has not been my experience lately. You see, my sister Laurie has been causing me grave bodily injury on this day, and I have reason to believe she will continue to do so until I’m dead. Therefore, I have no choice but to ask the authorities for their help...

It’s our annual Mom’s Night Out here at the Swanky Swill, and have we got a treat for all you fecund females. Surprise! Our mixologist, Klock, has been eavesdropping on your Mommy and Me therapy sessions —I mean classes— for weeks in order to get some real life inspiration for tonight’s libations menu. (Did you really believe that the mustachioed guy at the back of the community center in the jump...

“Together we can do this,” reads the subject line of the third email I receive from a politician I’ve never heard of in a state I’ve never been to; I read no further before I instinctually begin the long-distance scroll to the bottom in hunt of the unsubscribe button that always plays hard to get. I toss my head back and cackle as I discover the link: font-size -8 and at the end of the sentence, “...

Most were purchased at your local independent bookstore. Take pride that you’ve supported a small business during a pandemic. Remind self that store is currently doing fine, and no more books are needed for now. See books you bought Tuesday and Wednesday. Realize you should have written out step one on Monday. Wax humorous with spouse about number of books you’ve bought. “Do I have a compulsive sp...

The latest buzz phrase coming out of social media is the concept of “quiet quitting,” whereby burned-out or unsatisfied employees put forth the least amount of effort possible to keep their paychecks. – Forbes Therapeutic Quitting You role-play quitting your job with your therapist every week, but you can’t actually quit because without a job, you’d never be able to afford therapy. Body Double Qui...

Start Strong Focus groups of therapists have found that the first minute of any session is critical. If you don’t grab them early, it doesn’t matter what you say the rest of the time. Your appointment lasts 50 minutes—but, if you’re not careful, it will feel longer to the bored victim of your ramblings. Don’t Be So Literal Dilemmas like yours are a dime a dozen, and your therapist needs to be ente...

“About 50 migrants were flown last month from Texas to Martha’s Vineyard in two planes organized by Florida’s Republican governor as part of his criticism of the federal government’s immigration and border security policies. Attorneys for the migrants have filed a class action lawsuit, saying they were misled in agreeing to the flights after being told they’d arrive to housing, jobs and help with...

Baltimore Ravens The team is named after Baltimoreon Edgar Allan Poe’s masterpiece “The Raven,” with the famous line: Quoth the Raven “Nevermore.” Denver Broncos The team is named after Denverite Shmedgar Shmallan Shmoe’s masterpiece “The Bronco,” with the famous line: Quoth the Bronco “Neigh-vermore.” Green Bay Packers The team is named after Wisconsinite Eddie Allie Oh’s masterpiece “The Packer,...

“You wrote a book! How exciting!” = Oh you poor delusional fool! “Where do you get your ideas?” = You seem so dull in real life. “I’ve been meaning to write a book!” = Any simpleton with a laptop and a thesaurus can pump out a bestselling trilogy. “This novel you’ve written, could I find it at a bookstore?” = Is this something you’re hawking out of your trunk at farmers markets? “If you have any c...

Apple Brown Recluse Betty Strawberry Shartcake GOPecan Pie Key Lyme Disease Pie Red Velveeta Cake Carrot Top Cake S’ores Blumpkin Pie Bukkake’d Alaska QaNon-Fat Lemon Squares Banana Newt Bread MAGArons New York Subway Cheesecake

No running. And Dan — no walking at a normal pace, klutz. Take it extra slow. No diving — period. And no cannonballs — Dan. We gave you a three cannonball allotment per day and you took advantage of our trust. So no more cannonballs. Welcome to this little thing called consequences, Dan. No food or drink around the pool. Especially no rice cakes. Leave your rice cakes at home, Dan. They’re not a r...

Sir Rhymes-A-Lot Five-Act Jack Quill Bill Willy Slickspeare The Merchant of Menace The Pay-Right Playwright Emcee Pentameter The Unshaven Maven of Stratford-Upon-Avon Lustre Rhymes The Jacobean Jokester Poet Snoreate The Avant-Garde Bard Front-Row Willy The Bald Balladeer William “That’s Not a Word” Shakespeare Inky Fingers Guillermo DelSorrow The Meandering Pen of Lord Chamberlain’s Men QuippyLon...

Whether it’s Judas Priest, Led Zeppelin, or Pink Floyd – burying diabolical messages in songs is more common than we think. So after she was accused of tax evasion, I re-examined early drafts of Shakira’s biggest hits in search of foreboding, tax-evasion-related messages. These are my shocking findings: Underneath Your Clothes (2001): Underneath your clothes There’s an endless story About a woman...

Brothers, it’s time to retire one of our oldest mantras: “Bros before hoes.” It seems calling women hoes is frowned upon these days (some even say this has been the case since the 1960s) and we need to adapt. I know, I know, it was catchy and it allowed us to shrug off any feelings of attachment or commitment. Fear not, there are still lots of non-sexist things that bros come before. Shows You’re...

Chapter the First “This place has got Soylent on tap” September 29, 2017 Pattie Carlyle wiped a line of sweat from her forehead, brushed her thick, frizzy black hair back over her ears, bent down, and lifted up a large wooden crate from her brownstone’s doorstep. Straining under its weight and the heavy air that presaged a thunderstorm, she reached several times for the front door handle before fi...

Since 1991, the dummies of the world have been empowered to learn about everything– from personal finance to coding in HTML, from ocarina maintenance to tooth brushing– through the For Dummies ® series. However, sometimes having an expert teaching you a skill can feel like you’re being condescended to, which can lead a prospective learner to shy away from the experience of learning altogether. Tha...

“Looking forward to the weekend?” usually means “I’m telepathically communicating with your future self, who seemingly overdid it at the all you can eat baked potato bar.” “The bus must be running late today.” usually means ” I’m afraid that if I start screaming, I may never be able to stop.” “If you could only listen to one band for the rest of your life, what would it be?” usually means “My splo...

Cap’n Crunch only ever took to the sea to avoid a manslaughter charge in Virginia. Buzz, the Honey Nut Cheerios bee, is a flat-earther and has had multiple videos on the subject banned from YouTube. Sonny, who is “cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs” abandoned his family and refused to pay court-mandated child support. Nevertheless, when he needed a kidney transplant, he shamelessly reached out to all five of...

Do you ever feel like you had a specific purpose in life, but then you were called to do something different? And it doesn’t feel right? Recently I was visiting my cousin, Ball, who’s been upcycled as a trendy, country-chic soap dispenser. He never knew he was going to become a trendy, country-chic soap dispenser, but he said he feels like his life is full. And just this weekend, when I was trying...

Mick Stevens is one of the best gag cartoonists of our generation and he discusses his process and his body of work on this special episode of The Cartoon Pad.