The Weekly Humorist Podcast

Instigating a home invasion at their house to learn more about them. Drinking from the same cup at a suicide cult’s final meeting. Comparing / contrasting the deluxe features of similar butt plugs at a swinger’s event. Sharing a taser while storming a government building. Joining a book club that’s currently covering The Bible For Dummies. Baking a batch of pot-brownies to have your kids sell at t...

We at UnitedHealthcare want you to know that we hear you, we see you, and we’re tired of you. Your own nit-picky demands are triggering the rising healthcare costs you constantly complain about, so insurance companies must remain vigilant in crafting creative non-solutions to complex issues. That’s why we’ve engineered a self-indulgent distraction that clearly shows what little interest we have in...

..and that’s all! Signing off! Thank you for listening to It’s All Local Politics in Rural Pennsylvania, as always. I’m Kate Howard, and I’m the lead field research specialist. It’s been lovely to share our hot takes and even hotter data with you. And I’m Blake Morgan, I’m also a field research specialist, and I was pretty sure we weren’t going to add in superlatives like “lead” or “head” to our t...

Hi Internet. Dorg here, the lowly servant in charge of lighting every single candle at House Targaryen on the hit show “House of the Dragon”. I have a bone to pick with the editors, directors, and so-called showrunners at Home Box Office Incorporated. First off, I and most all of Westeros, have no problem with you plundering and filming all the gripping ins and outs of our many lives on a weekly b...

This episode features the very talented comedy writer and TV producer Craig Thomas! Craig is the co-creator, executive producer, and writer of “How I Met Your Mother,” which received 30 Emmy Award nominations in its nine-season run. Before that he wrote for ‘The Late Show with David Letterman’ and ‘American Dad!’. Craig is also an accomplished musician and songwriter! Most recently his prose has b...

This is a Public Service Announcement, a formal letter of complaint from one “internet troll” on behalf of all “internet trolls.” Our grievances are as follows: 1) The title is demeaning: “troll.” Can we come up with something more imaginative? I prefer “internet curator.” Much like art curators, we’re social media connoisseurs. Troll denotes withering wretches and that we are not. We’re passionat...

“Student journalists dedicated their final issue in June to LGBTQ issues, writing two columns on the topic and a news article about the origins of Pride Month. Then, after publication, the school retaliated.” –NYT, 8/29/22 Report From Back of Band Bus: Nothing Queer To See Here Choir To Put on Concert Consisting of Dave Matthews Band Discography Closeted Science Teacher Gives Lesson in Straight Ph...

Hey, Eaty-McEaterson. It’s me, your metabolism. We need to talk. I’m tired of working non-stop, around the clock for you. It’s time I scaled back and stopped overworking. After years of tireless service and dedication, I’ve decided to quietly quit. I’ve been working full-time for you since the day you were born and, honestly, I think you’ve been taking me for granted. I poured myself into this rol...

At a time when the world seems more divisive than ever, it’s important to remember that there is still good in the world. That’s why we’d like to take a moment to recognize the mindfulness magicians of the year: sensitive, social-aware individuals who are making a difference in the lives of others. These special people can be found in all walks of life, from educators to mental health professional...

~ Me ~ I am Eloise. I am twenty-nine. I am an adult (ish). I STILL live at The Plaza. I know it’s not as cool to live in Midtown anymore. But my mom refuses to buy me a loft in DUMBO. Which is RAWTHER frustrating! So here I am living amongst tourists, tourists, tourists! ~ The Plaza ~ I spend an awful lot of time at The Plaza. I’ve always been sort of a homebody that way. Also, I don’t have a job....

Dear Headmaster Longbottom, I hope this owl finds you well. I’m Beneforth Rapier-Bottles Wandsworth III (class of ‘04), long-time donor, current parent of a terrific Hufflepuff, and first-time letter-writer to a Hogwarts headmaster. I’ve got a pile of gold down in Gringotts earmarked for the Hogwarts Development Fund, and I am absolutely begging you to fund the humanities at Hogwarts. Let’s start...

“The Hill reported on Tuesday that the White House would announce a plan to cancel a chunk of student loan debt and an extension of the existing pause, citing multiple sources. The announcement comes within the smallest window of time borrowers have had to determine when their payments would resume, which has aggravated advocates due to it leaving borrowers in limbo.” “While the cancellation will...

Do you work the typical 9am-5pm workday schedule? A. Technically, yes. But my boss regularly emails me at night and on the weekends. B. mnvbor die48vns 2lv ed]bmnei ne cnd wj ns xui ns Have your wages kept up with the cost of living? A. No. I haven’t received a raise in years! And my company doesn’t offer cost of living increases to keep apace with inflation, either. B. emnc fiv hj jdp38v kig id x...

We all love complimentary bread to tide us over while we small-talk-it-out with our loved ones. The ambiance of a chain dining restaurant is unmatched. But, before you reach for the next roll, here’s what your favorite bread truly says about you from a chain restaurant connoisseur (credentials pending): Olive Garden Breadsticks: This is a safe choice. If you choose this one, your idea of luxury is...

Excerpt from the 2022 Pulitzer Prize Front-runner It is probably the most difficult question in one’s life. Naming one’s cat will set the tone for the rest of their personal and professional life. The Complete Book of Cat Names (That Your Cat Won’t Answer To Anyway) was written to tackle that very question. Times bestseller Bob Eckstein says of his latest effort, “Probably the most important piece...

Associate Justice Samuel Alito Send out the invitations ASAP! Draft them one month in advance and stick to your choice of date and location with ironclad, unwavering resolve. Express indifference to any despair about its remoteness and inaccessibility and push ahead, defying all logic and human decency. If anyone is traumatized, harmed, or killed outright while traveling to your barbecue, they sho...

Gordy the Great Dane | Wisconsin At 13 years old, Gordy is defying the life expectancy of the average Great Dane. Despite his apparent good health, City Hall has a special closet where staffers store mourning clothes, and an unpaid intern monitors his breathing during his near-constant naps. Gordy hits the campaign trail during his daily walks around the block, but is having trouble swaying voters...

Love, dating and relationships have long been fertile ground for comedy. Like war, corruption and embarrassing bodily functions, love and sex are forever a part of what makes us human. And just as with all of the other aforementioned subjects, there’s a lot of opportunity to make some really sick, funny jokes. But for every Nora Ephron romantic comedy masterpiece, you’ve got several dozen Katherin...

Thank you for calling 1-800-MY-GRIEF. We’re sorry for your loss. If you believe you have reached this number in error or that your friend or loved one cannot possibly be dead say “DENIAL” otherwise, press 1. Gracias por llamar al 1-800-MY-GRIEF. Para Español, presione nueve. You’ve pressed 1 is this correct? Yes. Are you sure? Yes. Great. You’re currently in a state of ANGER. Is this because we as...

This episode of Talkward welcomes humor writer and performer AJ ‘Sweet Pea’ DiCosimo. AJ has been published many times in The New Yorker, as well as Weekly Humorist and he even snuck into being a writer for MAD. Have you ever heard a story from a guy who covers his naked body in shaving cream and plays Tom Petty songs? You will. He’s a punk rock comedy guy from Cleveland, whose day jobs have given...

Thy soul shall find one lone window ‘Mid box of living, so shallow The spirits of the West Village who cooked In the kitchen, clung to thy bathtub, no door A fee of broker doth apply, tho’ tour you have booked Be still in that solitude, Which is not loneliness – for the screams From the radiator pipe in the middle of thy entryway Beware in BOND real estate, exit this page if poor or signed with gu...

“Dating opportunities for heterosexual men are diminishing as healthy relationship standards change.” –Psychology Today, 8/9/22 As a heterosexual man in 2022, I’ve never been more lonely. Back in the good old days, “healthy relationship standards” were logical and easy for me to understand. Back then, I always knew what the expectations in the relationship were for me because I set them. There was...