The Weekly Humorist Podcast

(This is Jabba the Hutt’s middle class, suburban life. We see Jabba as a bedraggled commuter, with loosened tie, squashed fedora and a newspaper under his arm.) “What a day I had.” (A weary Jabba the Hutt addresses us.) “You know that servant girl in the gold bikini? She tried to strangle me!” (We see familiar scenes from ‘Return of the Jedi’.) “Then three guys and this big dog blew up my floating...

Two Eggs It was a dark and dreary 1930s morning outside Wichita. The earth was dry but Grandma’s eyes were not. The house was no longer hers. In a game of marbles, she had literally bet the farm. Leaving her husband behind, Grandma hopped in her truck. She had stolen it. That was so Grandma. It was all she had to her name, save for a single hen. Grandma had stolen that, too. During the long trek t...

Season Pass to Jeffrey Epstein’s island. Schematics from team of scientists hired to create a lab-grown clone combining the DNA of Vladimir Putin and Papa John. Several dozen cases of condoms made exclusively for Trump, due to particularly small size not produced by condom companies. Creepy basement shrine to himself. Computer files containing the secret identity of Q (it’s Tony Danza!!) Small via...

From: Gregor Samsa To: Office Manager Subject: Me Today Dear Office Manager, SO sorry about this but going to be a little bit late to work today – having a slight medical issue but should be resolved soon. Will hopefully be all good for the 10am meeting but if not I’ll ask Alyssa to take notes for me. Sorry again! Best, Gregor From: Office Manager To: Gregor Samsa Subject: RE: Me Today Ok. From: G...

To Whom It May Concern: It is with great admiration that I am writing regarding the receptionist opportunity at your company. Your company’s commitment to whatever it is that you do aligns with me and my career aspirations. If considered for the position, I am certain that I will not be doing my dream job. In fact, I am aware that my dream job—personal assistant to Barbra Streisand—is completely o...

Avocado Avocados can remain unrefrigerated until you cut into them, and then they become a time-bomb of oxidization. Keep the pit and rind attached to the avocado, wrap the rest tightly cling wrap, and store in the fridge. If you want to be intense about it, you can rub the exposed flesh of the avocado (phrasing?) with a sliced lemon. Lemon To store the lemon you just sliced to preserve your avoca...

Look at us, huh? Doing well for ourselves and we’ve come such a long way from where our immigrant ancestors started almost 100 years ago. My parents said my grandfather came to this country with nothing but the clothes on his back. He had no money to his name, just a dream in his heart. If only my immigrant great grandfather could see us now he’d say, “Where the hell am I? Who are you? What is thi...

$348.23 Paying to have the church restroom toilet cameras upgraded to HD $ 125.00 Money spent to ensure that church security keeps homeless people off of church property. $ 27.82 Another few gallows of chloroform. $ 3800.74 Solid gold Make America Great Again collection plate. $ 75 Cameo message from Kirk Cameron wishing a happy birthday to Pastor Gristley. $ 195 eBay purchase of a Pop-Tart in the...

(Voiceover) This special episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” on Netflix is dedicated to understanding one of the most confounding mysteries in pop music history: Who’s that lady? You know the one. She fills our hearts and minds, brought somewhat to life through song lyrics devoid of significant detail or description. CUT TO: A reenactment scene featuring a landfill. A backhoe rakes through a pile of v...

The Great Gatsby Overachiever: It’s commentary on social classes, wealth, and the American Dream has stayed with you. Average Student: You know Gatsby wasn’t everything he pretended to be. Terrible Student: You’re pretty sure Gatsby was pretty great. You can’t wait to have a Gatsby themed wedding. The Old Man And The Sea Overachiever: Much like the protagonist, you were obsessed and determined to...

988—National Suicide Hotline (New!) 911—Universal Emergency Services Number 311—Non-Emergency Services Number 922—Not Quite An Emergency But Also Not Quite A Non-Emergency (i.e. My Shed Is Slightly On Fire But We’ve Been Meaning To Get Rid Of It And It’s Raining Pretty Hard So. Take Your Time) Services Number 933—Showtime Schedule For The AMC Theater Off Exit 28 On I-35 In Tulsa, Oklahoma 944—Answ...

They are obsessed with primping, but seem to be allergic to showers and baths. They are perfectly content to be alone. But if you leave them alone for too long, they’ll almost certainly ruin some furniture. They need so much sleep, like 20 hours per day. Even though you bought them an expensive bed, they like to nap on the couch. They never help with chores, in fact they make themselves scarce whe...

QAnanny: Nya-ha-ha-ha-nnha-nnha-hnn-ha-nhee-heee Gross Sheffield: What is that. that noise she’s making? Is that a laugh? Not-So-Brighton Sheffield: I mean. kind of? She’s attempting to use the high-pitched frequency of those noises to short circuit the deep-state hypnotic suggestions that have been hard wired into her brain. Gross: Good grief, that’s insane! What are those deep-state media weasel...

CART

“I Must Sell Out” (Tune: “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor) And now I’m back! In your inbox! “I haven’t seen you since high school. Do you want to lose a little weight? Herbalife is powerful, you’ll drop thirty pounds instantly! If you don’t buy, I’ll email again, I’ll never let you be!” No, I can’t go, walk out the door, Can’t turn around now, I must sell and sell some more! “Hey PTA friend, why...

Welcome to Geoffrey’s Sad Clown Rental. You are here for a unique and atrocious reason: You have a problem that only a sad clown can solve. Have no fear, 37 depressed clowns who missed four doses of Lexapro and are constantly about to burst into tears are stuffed into a yellow Mini Cooper, awaiting your direction. Let’s face it, there’s not a whole lot to celebrate these days. Since 19 BCE, clowns...

Step One: Prepare the ingredients, also known as “prep time.” The instructions that came with this week’s delivery indicate that this should take about ten minutes. Step Two: Prepare the utensils. Tonight’s instructions call for a mandoline slicer. No, you read that wrong. It calls for a machete. Step Three: Take out every single pot, pan and dish that you own: you’ll be using them. Step Four: Gra...

“This is the most refreshing glass of water I’ve ever had!” Filter Time: 0–1 Weeks Comments: You obviously take very good care of your Brita. You’ve replaced the filter recently and pre-soaked it for the recommended four hours. (Fun fact: the pre-soaking doesn’t do anything, but it does show that you follow directions well!) Should I change it?: No! Are you crazy? You’re just starting off your ref...

The Intergalactic Council for Disease Control has issued new guidance for travel to Earth, relaxing some restrictions. Most travel illnesses on Earth are minor, such as thorax rash, overhydration, or motion sickness from TikTok. ! Changed: The ICDC no longer discourages travel to Earth by interstellar viruses. Previous guidance urged viruses not to travel to Earth because of the 1971 incident with...

“There is no friend as loyal as a book. And there is no book as loyal as a friend. Wait. That doesn’t make sense. Barkeep, another round!” Ernest Hemingway “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a bar and drink. Don’t quote me on that. If you’re going to quote me, change ‘bar’ to ‘typewriter‘ and ‘drink’ to, uh, I don’t know. ‘Write’ seems too obvious. ‘Bleed?'” Ernest Hemingway “...

What is ColonBroom? ColonBroom is a naturally-derived fiber supplement that harnesses the power of psyllium husk to relieve constipation, aid in the digestive process and regulate bowel movements. Our motto is, “Poop like a winner, lose the weight the easy way.” In fact, I’m drinking my scoop of ColonBroom in 250 mL of water right now! Why is dietary fiber important? Dietary fiber is key for a hea...

The A24 Hardcover Hereditary Screenplay You’re a self-described “film nerd,” but anyone who’s ever played trivia with you knows you cannot back this up. You chose the Hereditary screenplay on a whim, in hopes it would give you a cool edge, even though you won’t watch Hereditary alone (or after 7 p.m.), and you woke up in a cold sweat for a week after you first saw it. A Tattered Copy of How to Win...

“Mayor Eric Adams defended New York City’s newest PSA on Tuesday, saying a nuclear attack preparedness spot from the Office of Emergency Management was a ‘great idea.’” –NBC 4 New York, 7/12/22 It’s no secret that crime is up, social programs for mental health are nearly eliminated, COVID is back for the 137th time, and the city’s plan to eradicate homelessness by kicking people off the subway isn...

Amish-sion Possible, Eager Rupture, PA– Daily live performances of what is essentially the Amish version of American Ninja Warrior. Flaming butter churns, barn-raisings plagued by hornet nests, and even more to tantalize and titillate your senses! Moisters Of The Universe, Shingle’s Rock, FL- He-Man & The Masters Of The Universe themed water park. Due to water shortages throughout the country, rid...