The Weekly Humorist Podcast

When we first met you were optimistic, kind. You cradled me through those grocery store aisles along with all your hopes of becoming someone who cooks. When I entered your kitchen, it smelt clean, like lavender Lysol, with fresh flowers on the counter. I felt sunlight trickle through the window onto my lid and got butterflies inside. There was hope. You gave me a home and a new lease on life. But,...

Micawber Rybakina Kyrgios Sirtaki Wirrah Jabeur Djokovich Bebung Mektic Tektite Krawczykz 2022 Wimbledon Finalist: 2,3,6,7,9,11 Scripps Spelling Bee Word: 1,4,5,8,10

Dear Exposed, How’s it hanging? Wait, don’t answer because I already know. And, trust me, I did not want to know. Nobody wanted to be exposed to your privates. In case you’ve flaunted your flesh on more than one occasion, allow me to refresh your memory. It was the summer of 2013. We were among a couple of thousand attendees at the Bass Coast Music and Arts Festival in Merritt, British Columbia. I...

If you notice a fellow beach goer being attacked by a shark in the ocean , allow his / her family members to divvy up their belongings before going through them yourself. Be sure to bring a sunblock bottle that contains at least 16 ounces, an excellent way to sneak in your vodka. Swimming too far out into the ocean is very dangerous; having said that, if you swim far enough to get into internation...

Flood season is upon us, ladies! And you don’t want to be found after three days on a life raft without looking your best! Shopping for a flood season swimsuit can be daunting. You want something flattering, stylish, and comfortable but that also screams – “Please evacuate me!” Whether you’re heavily prepared from years of living in a flash flood zone or this is your first flood season thanks to r...

Ah, summer. The lazy days, the warm breezes, the crushed testicles. There’s nothing quite like unwinding after a long day in a swimming pool with that mellow, full body tingle you can only get from having your gonads savagely wrecked by a careless child’s flailing legs. When I get home from work, my kids already have their towels out and swim suits on, eager to start the pool season off right with...

No snacks before dinner. Use your words. If you ever use those words with me again I’m giving you a time out. Aww, you have a boo boo? Let me kiss it. Try to aim into the toilet bowl, honey, not the rim. I can’t kiss someone with such a stinky mouth. Have you brushed your teeth today? We’re leaving in ten minutes. We’re leaving in five minutes. We’re leaving right now. Fine, stay home and ruin you...

My favorite retail innovation of the last 40 years is self-checkout. It’s the quickest, most secure way to pay for all of my items. There are the occasional snafus when the machine thinks I put an item into the bagging area without paying for it. That’s okay though because I always pay for my items and I would never do something like that. After all, that would be stealing and I don’t steal. Thiev...

So, guys in my rarefied profession don’t usually weigh in on the “news of the day.” But when an issue starts to affect my business? Something’s gotta get said. (And in case any made men just started makin’ in their pants? Exhale. I ain’t a rat. No names.) OK, here goes: We gotta do something to fight this Climate Change thing. Few weeks ago, an associate and I were asked by our capo to take care o...

“Spend Your Independence Day Exerting Your Independence From American Values and Basic Human Decency With Our Special Fourth Of July Menu!!!” “Each of our meals is served on a paper replica of the Constitution, perfect for soaking up all of the gooey grease and spills!” Specialty Drinks Plead The Fifth- Drink several of these bourbon-based drinks and you truly won’t remember what you knew about th...

The word Google but instead of two o’s they’re an illustration of Dolly’s big, round eyes. Ms. Parton’s dazzling eyes have always been a signature part of her appearance and it was those beautiful eyes that won America over the moment she first appeared on The Porter Wagoner Show in 1967. The word Google but the two o’s are a lifelike depiction of Dolly’s giant, supple ears. It was those ears that...

On Friday, Justice Kavanaugh joined the majority in overturning the decision he told Ms. Collins he would protect. His seeming turnabout in the case on Friday prompted Ms. Collins and another senator, Joe Manchin III of West Virginia, who gave Justice Kavanaugh crucial votes for his narrow confirmation to vent their anger, saying they felt their trust had been abused. // “I feel misled,” Ms. Colli...

“One time, Lindsay did that thing where you interrupt the other person who’s talking about their dream to talk about your own dream. The thing was, mine was a fever dream caused by malaria. I was in the Peace Corps and was asking our physician friend for healthcare advice.” —Alana, friend “OH MY GOD. I literally have six complaints on my desk from Jim in IT, Susan in Marketing, and Louis in accoun...

Cherry Grove-cia Ease them in with a flavor that they likely already know and love! We’ve taken our classic Cherry Garcia, a favorite of stoners and dads everywhere, and simply re-packaged it for a more Pride-appropriate feel. You’ll end up spending so much time explaining what and where Cherry Grove is, they’ll barely notice when you casually let it slip that you like women. Top Gun’s Volleyball...

This morning the United States Supreme Court overturned the 1973 Roe versus Wade decision that guaranteed the right to abortion in America, prompting women across the country to wildly overreact to a decision just because it will drastically affect every single aspect of many of their lives forever. “So now my state can literally decide whether I have to carry a pregnancy to term, inside my own bo...

Level 7: The Volcano Fortress As Sonic approaches the flaming bridge following the lava-gauntlet, have him stand right at the edge of the Spire Pyre. On your control pad, quickly use the following combination of button clicks: L, 3, 8, R, 2.2.3,L,4B, 3.1.RRL, 4, 2, 1, R,3, and then the same twice in reverse. Your control pad will quickly run out of power, and while you’re changing it’s batteries y...

Drawing furry porn Is a way to make money $10 a pop If your pronouns change You can still wear the same hoody Every. Single. Day. Asking if a friend Is online or in real life Invalidates them A Swiss Miss sachet Can be frequently consumed As a dry powder Simultaneous Streaming of video games Fucks with the sonos If your kid makes a NSFW post DO NOT click on it Wanting to have T is testosterone and...

Skort – a skirt that is also shorts Jorts – shorts made from jeans Skjort – a popular IKEA work lamp with LED lighting JonBenetcation – when you rent a cottage near the beach and it rains the whole time so you spend the whole time inside watching true crime shows, many of which you have already seen PotatoSaladTini – when you bring the Tupperware that once held the potato salad you made for the fa...

Dear Chelsea, Sorry you missed out this time. If a spot opens up we’ll let you know right away. If you’d have told me six months ago that life coaching the life coaches of life coaches would be so popular I’d have booked a bigger space than the Grand Plantation Ballroom! I know you have said you’re reluctant to pay for the virtual pass but I would like to reiterate that the six hundred dollar pric...

Hey, all. Let me know if you get this! Are you still corresponding with me? Many have found my recent behavior impossible to accept. I did some things I thought were funny, but they weren’t taken that way. I have no explanation for why I bent the space-time continuum in several places and then shouted, “Now it looks like a cock and balls!” I meant no disrespect toward folks who make their homes on...

From true crime television shows, to true crime podcasts, to true crime television shows about true crime podcasts, there’s no shortage of true crime content. But with so many passionate fandoms and no shortage of creators in the mix, there are bound to be some “advocates” not serving the victims or their family members. That’s why those of us in the true crime community need to make sure to treat...

CJ, I’m glad you picked up. I’ll keep this short. You are the most selfish, thoughtless, lazy, murderous, backstabbing person I’ve ever had the displeasure of knowing in my 38 years of life. I just got home, and every single one of my beautiful ferns I asked you to water is dead. All 45 of them. Rotting in their pots. The thing about ferns, CJ, is that they’re supposed to be alive. Do you remember...

Ages: 26 – 41 2 to 8 Players Contents: Gameboard, dice, tokens, Chance and Community Chest cards, play money, 12 AirBnBs, and 32 houses (none of which you will ever be able to afford). Object: The object of the game is to become the wealthiest millennial. The best way to do this is to be born into generational wealth. Preparation: Each player chooses one token to represent themself while traveling...

This year’s Scripps National Spelling Bee ended in a lightning round spell off. The words were tough, but not as tough as a positive STD test at a clinic. Would you know the difference? Here’s a quiz to find out: Charadriiform Ditalini Chlamedia Moorhen Chancroid Gonorrhea Sereh Trichamoniasis Pyrrolidone Senijextee Papillomavirus Syphilis Otukian Scyllarian Spelling Bee Word: 1,2,4,7,9,10,13,14 S...