The Weekly Humorist Podcast

Get ready to Stockholm Syndrome your way into a dubiously legally-binding marriage with the least financially stable, most emotionally volatile, sentient pair of swim trousers you’ve ever met on our new dating show, Sex Fest Island. The twist? There’s no sex and you’re trapped 30 feet underground in a dark, dark chamber devoid of warmth or feeling. You are technically on an island, though. Hosted...

Dear Staff, I think you will all agree that I’ve been more than generous in allowing you to perform your work duties remotely these past several months while our offices have been consumed in flames. But enough is enough—it’s time to get back to work. Now, you may be wondering, does this mean that the fire, the exact origin of which has yet to be determined, though I strongly suspect our competito...

Read each of the story elements below, and identify whether it’s from a horror movie or a hallmark movie! Should be easy – right? A man coming out of nowhere when you least expect it A remote cottage or cabin Character gets trapped somewhere they don’t want to be due to weather – a freak snow storm, for example A small town full of secrets Stumbling into a tall, dark stranger Scenes that make you...

If you’ve seen the Mars Perseverance Rover’s picture of a cave on Mars, you’ve seen Bell Rock. (Is the government lying to us? Can we prove those aren’t pictures of Sedona?) Bell Rock Trail is an Elon Star Wars fan fiction simulation. I give this vortex One Star for lack of originality. My 5G stopped working from the Vortex’s 4D: fourth dimension (4D) “consciousness.” So, I let my third eye guide...

Crate and Gun Barrel Target Bed, Blood Bath and Beyond IKillYa Forever 21 Rounds Ka-Boomingdales Hobble Shop AK Mart Amazon Primed and Double Pumped Smith and Weston Elm Neiman Carcass MyGunRegistry The Shotery Barn Restoration Military Hardware Ammothrologie

Urgent notice to my fellow Door Manufacturers: We are under attack! This is a crisis of epic proportions. Not since open floor plans became trendy has our industry been in this much danger of fading into obscurity. The ‘one entrance, one exit’ movement sweeping the nation is putting our entire sector at risk. If your livelihood depends on the fabrication, sale, and installation of doors, then this...

“First of all, here’s to the kid who rode his bike right in front of the limo during last night’s bachelor party. If we could, let’s have a moment of silence.” “We’ve got a lot of toasts to get through, and unfortunately Kevin’s mom broke into the bar in the middle of the night last night, so please try and make this glass of champagne last for awhile if you can.” “So until the plumbers figure out...

This looks like the fizzy work of The Coker! It’s #SuperheroSodas on this week’s trending joke game! Here are some of the best on @HashtagRoundUp powered by @TheHashtagGame. Play our comedy hashtag twitter games every Wednesday at 11 am EST. Let’s play #SuperheroSodas with co-host @HashtagRoundup powered by @TheHashtagGame TOP TWEETS go up on Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) June 1, 2022 The Barq...

Americans are more divided than ever over abortion, but I’ve come up with a great idea! The debate always comes back to when and whether someone can end a pregnancy, so by the time a uterus is involved, it’s too late in the reproductive process for people to agree about what should be allowed. The clear solution is to simply replace contentious laws regulating uteruses with a sure to be less conte...

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair Warm smell of carnitas, rising up through the air Up ahead in the distance, I saw bright neon light My belly rumbled and my eyes lit up I had to stop for a bite There she stood at the counter; Amidst a Tex-Mex smell And I was thinking to myself “This might be Heaven but probably Hell” Then she asked for my order, “I’ll have the number eight” There wer...

Queer Factor Eating spiders and jumping off cliffs is so 2003. Today’s contestants must overcome their deepest sexually based fears. Watch these brave souls come out of the closet, share their internet search history, and hook up with someone who doesn’t regularly get tested for STIs. Only one person can win (and it’s not the guy who catches Chlamydia). Hundred Thousand Dollar Pyramid Scheme Compe...

Why have more than one door when you’ll never leave? This is the paradise you thought was only for other people! Every exquisite feature of this bespoke property reflects your public record. Constructed by Unhallowed Homes and occasionally materializing near Cancun — this captivating 0 bed/0 bath amnesty-free detention center features alfresco security windows, freeze-dried pipes, and organic drin...

Aug 15, 1937- Inventor Kensworth Youngerton returns home from work, discouraged about the results from his latest project, a brand new dessert topping. His wife, sensing his malaise, attempts to lift his spirits with the aid of a leather bustier and his new dessert topping invention. 1939 – 40 New York World’s Fair- During the first presentation of the new KY Jelly product, a large container of th...

CAST (In order of appearance) COLIN FIRTH as Delivery Room Doctor MALCOLM MULANEY as Charles Lindbergh Jr. LILY COLLINS as Anne Morrow Lindbergh LUCAS TILL as Charles Lindbergh PAUL DANO as Kidnapper RICHARD KIND as Search Party Volunteer 1 BILL CAMP as Search Party Volunteer 2 JOHN CARROLL LYNCH as Search Party Volunteer 3 FRED MELAMED as Search Party Volunteer 4 STEPHEN ROOT as Search Party Volu...

We know so much about these famed writers, but do you know what they were on when they penned their masterpieces? Walt Whitman: Whitman was the OG stoner. He probably didn’t call it weed. Maybe it was hemp at that point? But he was definitely rolling fat doobies before he convened with Mother Nature. Hemingway: This guy was just a fraternity bro who was way ahead of his time. We all know he was ri...

Crypto currency is still a thing, but is represented by large mason jars filled with porridge. From her vast oceanside fortress, and within a cybernetic body made of flesh-rending torture devices, Mariah Carey rules with a literal iron fist. On the plus side, she allows everyone to have free cable. No chicken nuggets; instead, unicorn nuggets. Roe v Wade has never been reversed, but unfortunately,...

Welcome to the Breastish Museum in London, a Victorian brownstone dedicated to celebrating women, whose fronts have been at the center of the art world for millennia. On our top floor, we pay homage to masterpieces that supported the idea of breasts as the one power women had in classical antiquity. Indeed, most forward-thinking, high-minded male painters who influenced modern philosophy and pione...

PELOSIO Party Everyday Like Obama’s Still In Office LAMBO RAMBO Let’s All Meet in a Big Orgy Right After My Botox Operation SUPERMARIO Staying Up Perusing Elden Ring Maps And Researching Incantations Online MARCO POLO LOCO Mindfulness And Riding COVID Out Peacefully On Lots Of Ludes and Oatmeal (Clothing Optional) BONGO Buying Overpriced Necessities is Getting Old CHURCHO Christ in Heaven, the Une...

The Downward Spiral Dog The less emotionally well-adjusted cousin of the classic Downward Dog, this is a move that helps you to open your soul to the fact that you will never be a “morning routine” person, but that you will definitely be a “morning existential crisis,” person, and they might as well be the same thing. How to do it: Set your alarm with the intention of at least trying to start that...

Dear loyal airline customer, we thank you for your patience while we process your lost luggage claim. We are happy to report that your luggage is not lost. Rather, it has pursued a different flight path. One of its own choosing. Our company’s goal is to help travelers find a comfortable means of getting to where they’re headed. Like our commitment to flying you safely and comfortably to your desti...

What’s up, badass dudes and sexy chicks? I’m visionary blockbuster director Michael Bay. You probably know me from directing the Transformers series, or that one Netflix action movie with Ryan Reynolds. No, not that one. No, not that one either. I’ve got a new movie coming out, called Ambulance. it’s about an ambulance that, uh. Well, I’m still a little hazy on the plot, but it drives real fast an...

Sen. Susan Collins (R-ME) called the local police department in response to a pro-choice chalk message outside her home in Bangor, Maine on Saturday. The Bangor Daily News reported the incident Monday without naming who called the police. A copy of the police report shared with Mother Jones confirms the complainant was Collins. The note outside the senator’s home was not menacing, but polite, and...

A bunch of girls freaked out last week when news leaked that the US Supreme Court has likely voted to overturn Roe v. Wade. Then they interrupted me watching the NBA playoffs to tell me that men should care about this issue too because it is a matter of human rights, and it also affects us. And to that I say, relax ladies – I do care! If it happens, I’m totally ready to be an unintended dad. Now m...