The Weekly Humorist Podcast

Ripe avocados A DMV appointment An apartment in NYC A glimpse of Susan Collins’ spine Skinny jeans that fit after 40 A publishing contract Therapy covered by health insurance Health insurance Paid maternity leave Affordable child care A man to admit he has benefited from legal abortion On Roy Moore’s high horse As emotional as Brett Kavanaugh at a confirmation hearing Cell reception upstate A doct...

October 9th, 2021 9:13am Helloooo. Is anyone home? It’s your mother. Your Kombucha mother. Remember me? I am the SCOBY who raised your gut flora into what they are today. I’m calling from the back left corner of your fridge, where you’ve neglected me for the past three months. I’m calling to see if you’re free today. How about you get your tired mother a nice tall jug of sweet tea so she can ferme...

“[In the Star Wars universe,] Jizz was an upbeat, swinging genre of music, most notably performed by [.] the Max Rebo Band [which included Droopy McCool].” “If you’ve ever found yourself nodding your head or tapping your foot to the playful sound of jizz, you have one musician to thank: Droopy McCool. With a name like that, many say it was his destiny to become the greatest jizz musician of all ti...

Senator Josh Hawley (R-Mo.): “The left continues its assault on the Supreme Court with an unprecedented breach of confidentiality, clearly meant to intimidate. The Justices mustn’t give in to this attempt to corrupt the process. Stay strong.” Chief Justice John Roberts: “This was a singular and egregious breach of that trust that is an affront to the Court and the community of public servants who...

It’s time to return to school buses and the Seat Guru for Kids app can help. Overview The 28 Blue Bird School Buses in the Suffolk County fleet are diesel air brake DT2200s built in 1998 designed for short rides. Featured user comments Submitted by Charles on 2021/12/05 for Row 22 Terrible. This is a noisy seat. It’s on top of the back wheel and Carla DiFazzio’s never stops yapping. And she smells...

Look, I get it; you took a job in your early 20s because the pay was decent and your options were limited. The hours were long, and the start was a bit early, but at least you’d get to spend plenty of time outside. Fast forward to today: you’ve spent 15 years as the scarecrow for a mid-size, family-owned wheat ranch, and you’re ready for a career change. The question is: how? Whether you’ve been a...

“Escalating his culture war with the Walt Disney Co., Republican Gov. Ron DeSantis expanded the special session of the Legislature that started Tuesday to consider eliminating the Reedy Creek Improvement District that independently governs much of Walt Disney World.” – Orlando Sentinel, April 19, 2022. Our story begins with a princess who lives in a faraway land ruled by a benevolent corporation....

HANSON V. “THE GUYS” UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT SOUTHERN DISTRICT OF NEW YORK DAVE HANSON, Plaintiff, AGE DISCRIMINATION COMPLAINT -against- “THE GUYS” Defendant Plaintiff Dave Hanson, by his attorney, Nicholas T. Hedges, for his Complaint alleges as follows: Nature of the Action This is an action seeking behavior modification and redress for damages from relentless and cumulative incidents of a...

Bonjour! Welcome to our restaurant situated right below the Eiffel Tower in Paris, France. Believe it or not people from all around the world have traveled far and wide just to eat at our restaurant. It’s true! Every day of the week and every week of the year, visitors line up to take pictures of our restaurant and the surrounding structures. Families, couples, tour groups, you name it! Oftentimes...

Hi, thanks for being on time for your appointment. My last patient, he wasn’t so punctual, and trust me, that won’t happen again. Say, are any of those yutes out in the lobby yours? What’s that? I said “yutes.” Oh, excuse me: YOUTHS. And that one there is your son. Fantastic, he’s a great-looking kid. Please have a seat here. Now just lean back and open wide, and I’ll take a look Looks like we’ve...

New exciting feature that allows users to tweet from the far reaches of space. Improved low Twitter membership rate of only $599.99 per month (payments via crypto currency accepted, naturally). Twitter is now the exclusive domain for Fight Club type video feeds wherein people who haven’t been able to make their Tesla payments fight to the death for your entertainment. A special audio notification...

It’s been a few Earth Days since that video made the rounds on Facebook. You know the one, where a marine biologist pries a plastic straw out of my nose. Well, guess what? Some NYU kid had another Starbucks frap, and now I’ve got another forest green plastic straw lodged in my nasal cavity. It begins to beg the question: is the ocean just one big blue corporate-issued recycling bin to you? For too...

Hello fashionistas! It’s Earth Day, which means it’s time for the release of our annual, limited-edition I Love The Earth t-shirt and jeans. We’re thrilled to announce that a percentage of the proceeds will go to some of our favorite environmental causes and organizations. So the more you buy, the more you’ll help heal this planet we call home. This year, our tie-dye I Love The Earth t-shirt featu...

1. Still Woozy 2. Bang, zoom, to the moon, Alice 3.Kiss My Grits 4. Beabadoobee 5. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia 6. Duck Sauce 7. Yada, yada, yada 8. Bazinga 9. Bad Bad Not Good 10. Black Coffee 11. D’oh 12. Hey, now! Coachella: 1, 4, 6, 9, 10 TV Sitcom: 2, 3, 5, 7, 8, 11, 12

Now it’s perfectly okay to use an empty wine or liquor bottle for a spirited game of spin the bottle, rather than the bottle of hand sanitizer that you’d been using for the past couple of years. You can go back to inviting more than just a handful of people to your home, rather than just a smattering who must sit across the room from one another. Unless you don’t have more than just a few friends,...

Dear Valued Peeps (Marshmallow and Otherwise): Thank you for your many reminders to place my annual orders for Easter goodies. The fact is, I’m done with all that. For me, as for most, the past two years have been a time of brutal self-reflection—a time to ask, How do I, a giant, legendary, independently wealthy rabbit, want to spend the rest of my infinite life? The answer, it turns out, is not s...

9:1 — Then the Lord said to Moses, “Go to Pharaoh and say to him: Thus says the Lord, Let my people go with a supply of laxatives.” And Moses said, “Why do we need laxatives?” And God said, “Did we not get up to the part where I command you to eat dry unleavened bread?” And Moses turned to the Lord and said, “Say what?” 10:1 — And it came to pass that the Lord hardened the hearts of the Egyptians....

Disciples, listen up! There are only two weeks left to get the ambiance for the last supper on point and worthy of the gram. This is my final chance to gain more than 12 followers before I literally die, so this has to be the dinner party to end all dinner parties. I called this meeting to assign roles and make sure everyone understands attire and grooming standards. Yes, I’m looking at you, Barth...

Every year, one thing leaves me, the Easter Bunny, scratching my floppy ears: that scary, crucifix-Jesus I have to hang in my rabbit hole. The higher-ups sent it to me in the mail one time and I don’t know why. It’s hard to paint pastel eggs and label nut-free candy accurately when you have flashes of blood and gaping, festering wounds on a mostly-naked man jutting out in your peripheral. I’m seri...

Dear Abandoner, There’s nothing quite like a nice shower after a workout. It’s an opportunity to cleanse and unwind. I find it relaxing and therapeutic. Except when I go to place my towel on the hook outside of the shower and I’m greeted by your dirty, abandoned underwear. Towel hooks should only be used for towels, not underwear. Think I’m being too vigilant? Consider that you’ve been sweating in...

Are you sure the toilet was destroyed? Yes. While denial is a normal first response to misfortune, several close inspections revealed that the tank of the toilet was askew, that the bolts holding it together had worn through the ceramic, and that upon each flush, a sizable amount of water would dribble onto the floor. Some light wrenching proved futile and the toilet was deemed by me to be “absolu...

The next time someone texts you something so funny you think you may die, don’t just lazily drop “Dying” into the thread. It’s your responsibility to let the sender know how close to death you truly are. Here’s a helpful range of evergreen replies that can pair with just about any hilarious text you receive. HAHA omg laughing so hard I am dying Hahahahahahahahahahah ur KILLING me! LMFAO on my way...