The Weekly Humorist Podcast

Charlie Brown, I really hate to do this. I’m putting my two weeks in. That means I quit, Chuck. I talked about it extensively with my parents, but everytime they opened their mouths to give me advice on my career path, all they ever said was wah-wah-wah-wah–wah. But even without their support, I finally came to my senses after realizing how grossly underpaid I was when I discussed salaries with Sn...

So the government has finally come out and admitted that UFO’s are a real thing. Sure, that’s mind-blowing, but don’t get distracted. Now we need to prepare ourselves for the day that they make their introductions, and who knows how much time we have before that happens? It’s in this spirit that we present these handy tips on how to behave when our universal neighbors pop in for a quick visit. Don...

If you’ve ever been overpowered by a couch, you know it happens quickly. By the time you regain consciousness, there can be consequences that are physical, emotional, or even financial. The issue is unlikely to resolve on its own. With age, many couches become more aggressively comfortable, not less. And a stern scolding yields little more than a whiff of your own feral breath, escalating a desper...

Our six-step process is both pedagogically sound and sure to help your toddler adapt to a catastrophe that Congress has done literally nothing to prevent! Enforce Concrete Boundaries: Two-year-olds have trouble understanding that resources are finite. For example, when I take half the food off Lily’s lunch plate to get her used to extreme food shortages caused by climate change, she yells that she...

Advertising is a tough business. But despite its challenges, it can be an incredibly rewarding field if you know exactly how to navigate it without offending, overstepping, or over-shadowing any men. Here is everything you need to know about being a woman in advertising, according to the men I work with. Speak up, but not too much. If you’re going to succeed in the male-dominated world of advertis...

In the past five days, how often have you experienced nervousness or felt on edge? .been so restless you can’t keep still? .skipped meals or experienced low or no appetite? .avoided social interactions, even with loved ones, such as a partner/spouse? If you answered “Sometimes,” was it to avoid hearing your partner/spouse mention their coworker Paul again and how funny and clever he is? How likely...

Welcome to Brutally Honest Petfinder! If you’re ready to add a little wild kingdom energy and a whole lotta love to your home, you’ve come to the right place. Whether you’re seeking a four-legged, feathered, or furry friend, we’ve got the beast who’ll turn your life upside down. Read on to see who’s available! Meet Minnie — a little chihuahua with a big heart. No seriously. It’s a condition. She t...

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our production An Evening With A Modern Mozart. My name is Georgie, I’m 9 years old, and although I haven’t graduated from elementary school I sure as heck can play the piano. While it’s true that I was born with some natural ability, I didn’t get to this level with talent alone. It took a lot of practice. I started playing at 2 years old and I haven’t taken a day...

Morning, bud. Jetlag messed you up? Well, it’s time to get dressed! We’re in Amsterdam, the trip we’ve been waiting for. I’ve read up on Lonely Planet, Frommer’s, and the NYTimes 36 Hours in Amsterdam. Did you see the Google Doc I sent you? No? No worries! There’s so much to see and do. This afternoon we’re going to the Van Gogh Museum to check the biggest thing off our list. Oh, and I guess we sh...

Sally Field is the only person to ever get into a fist fight with the host when she punched Bob Hope in the face at the 131st ceremony. Bette Davis wasn’t present for either of her 1936 or 1939 wins. Lars Ulrich of Metallica accepted on her behalf. There was only one person who was nominated for five Oscars in one year and that was when Walter Matthau took up all 5 Best Supporting Actor spots for...

Hello, Cleveland! I can’t hear you! I said Hello, you pallid fucks! We’re nearly done with this multi-continental tour, but we could never forget you. Yeah, yeah, we love you, too. Shhh. All, right. Shut up. Before we lift this interminable darkness, let’s take things down for a minute. Listen. Do you hear what I hear? Is that an influx of migratory fucking Robins? The goddamn American kind, chirp...

Opening a can of peanut brittle while on a roller coaster. Juggling fruits and / or vegetables that were purchased at a Farmer’s Market in a primarily red-state. Using the batteries from your recently deceased father’s pacemaker as replacement batteries for your remote control. Grating a block of pepper jack cheese while humming a song by the Oak Ridge Boys. Having your nipples pierced in a constr...

THE FOLLOWING PREVIEW HAS BEEN APPROVED FOR ALL AUDIENCES BY THE MOTION PICTURE ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA THE FILM ADVERTISED HAS BEEN RATED THEMATIC ELEMENTS, PERVASIVE LANGUAGE, TOO MANY PUNS FOR MY LIKING, DEPICTIONS OF ANIMATED PENGUINS IN ADULT SITUATIONS, PROFANELY REFERRING TO HER MAJESTY QUEEN ELIZABETH THE SECOND AS “OL’ BETH, “ GRAPHIC IMAGES OF WALLACE SHAWN DOING THE MACARENA AT SOME SORT...

So, my pants are on fire and I’ve handed you this card. You’re probably thinking, “Uhh, say whaaa??” Well, pull yourself together, Gilligan. Every second is critical right now. Let’s begin with a list of things you should absolutely not do right now: Don’t yell at me. This isn’t my fault and yelling makes everything worse. This applies to the rest of the instructions, too: DO NOT YELL. If you star...

Undoubtedly you’ve heard it before. Maybe you came across it in a dime store joke book, read it on the inside of a bare popsicle stick, or overhead it on the playground when you were young. It’s a question as ubiquitous as “What is the meaning of life?” and as provocative as “Shall we dance?” You’ve probably asked it, answered it, and chuckled at, maybe even done so a multitude of times. Why was 6...

Putin Pops From what we hear, Trump can stuff several of these into his mouth at the same time!! Magic Ate Ball A Magic 8 Ball covering in rich, delicious caramel and drizzled with candy sprinkles. When will you be able to pass this beast? Reply hazy. Ted Bundty A soft, sumptuous bundt cake splashed with a warm spray of raspberry truffle sauce. Our nurse friends warn that this one is extremely bad...

“The Florida Senate has passed the “Parental Rights in Education” bill, known by critics as the “Don’t Say Gay” bill, despite staunch criticism from Democratic lawmakers and LGBTQ+ advocates.” –CBS News, 3/8/22 Many have criticized our state’s “Parental Rights in Education” bill, otherwise scorned by critics and fondly referred to by Republican lawmakers as the “Don’t Say Gay Bill.” But we need to...

US plans to turn all five Russian Embassies into Little Caesar’s If any NATO Leaders happen to run into Putin at the grocery store they vow to turn around and go down a different aisle and pretend like they didn’t see him Justin Trudeau Vows To Get More Handsome At The Annual UN potluck world leaders won’t touch Putin’s ambrosia Jell-O salad he worked really hard on NATO’s sister alliance ‘TATO’ c...

Note – Women unfamiliar with the concept of “vaginal facials” need not panic, but should def assume their own genitals resemble a 1950s janitor’s mop. The Paltrow This 9 hour restorative process leaves the vulva a gleaming beacon of eternal labial youth. Poems about its ethereal beauty will be written in Notes and posted to Insta. Coldplay songs shall be remixed in its honor. The O’Keefe A procedu...

Major League Baseball team owners and players ended a standoff that threatened to derail the 2022 season. As part of the agreement reached, several new rules will go into effect soon, including a pitch clock and “banning the shift.” Here’s a primer on of all the changes. Pitch clock. Pitchers get five seconds from the time the catcher throws them the ball to when they have to toss it again. If the...

Are you here to find true love or to boost your Instagram following? Would you be willing to show me your YouTube search history and/or your For You page on TikTok? How many times do you typically snooze your alarm in the morning? What is the correct pronunciation of GIF? Is Die Hard a Christmas movie? Why or why not? After grocery shopping, do you return your shopping cart or leave it where you p...

Greetings, fellow seniors, and welcome to our own little corner here on The Computer.com. It’s me, your old pal and champion Gus Henderson! Like me, you probably found this place when you typed “something nice for a senior citizen on a fixed income” into the little white space at the top of the screen in your gadget you don’t know why you need that your daughter’s know-it-all-husband bought for yo...

Legendary Hollywood producer Felix Bergmann will be receiving Oscar gold at the upcoming Academy Awards in the form of an honorary statue for “stereotypical 1970s batshit contributions to the industry.” I had the misfortune of being assigned the task of interviewing Bergmann at his Beverley Hills bungalow, where he now mostly putters around in isolation and complains about athletes taking a knee....