The Weekly Humorist Podcast

“I came to college eager to debate. I found self-censorship instead.” -New York Times, 3/7/22 Here at the New York Times op-ed desk, we pride ourselves on a long and rich tradition of journalistic integrity and sky-high standards. Well, maybe at some point we had journalistic integrity. These days, we mostly have a long tradition of publishing shit that doesn’t really matter but will make people m...

Sometime around the turn of the sixteenth century, in the hills of central Japan, a Buddhist monk emerged from his seclusion, knelt before the bed of his ailing father, and composed a verse so full of worldly wisdom that it stuns us yet today: Even at the time When my father lay dying I still kept farting. The author of this flatulent ode, Yamazaki Sokan, was one of the founders of haikai—the fore...

Hi Little Debbie! How’s it going? This is truly a thrill, as I’ve always been a fan of your snack cakes. Nothing like a Little Debbie snack cake at the end of a long school day! I’ve noticed recently that my favorite, the Zebra Cakes, aren’t available very often in stores. Is this just a supply chain issue? Please tell me that you haven’t stopped making them! Antoine Gargler, PA Hey yourself Antoi...

THERAPIST: I’m glad you decided to come back and give this another try! How are you feeling? MICK JAGGER: I can’t get no satisfaction. THERAPIST: I’m sorry, one more time? MICK JAGGER: I can’t get no satisfaction. THERAPIST: Why do you say that? MICK JAGGER: ’Cause I try and I try and I try and I try. THERAPIST: Did something happen that triggered you? MICK JAGGER: When I’m drivin’ in my car, and...

My pin number is my birthday, but literally no one remembers my birthday. Not even my mother, and she remembers everything. Like, when I was three and “let loose some Lady Grey” on the Oriental rug in the middle of her tea party. Maybe you should make that your pin number, Mother. I only buy things on Amazon that I could instantly return, like moisture-wicking underwear, which is like totally cool...

ACT I: NEV SCHULMAN: We’ve got an interesting one today from someone named Roxane. KAMIE CRAWFORD: Let’s get to it. [NEV unbuttons his shirt so a tuft of chest hair pokes out and begins reading Roxane’s message.] NEV: Dearest Catfish – I think I met the love of my life, Christian. I saw him from afar and I just knew he was the one. [Soft indie pop music plays during the voiceover] NEV: He started...

Hello, fellow residents of the 600 block of Crestmont Road! Apologies as I realize this may be an abuse of the school carpool email list, but I feel that I owe our neighbors an explanation. Following a contentious family meeting, the Myerson clan has privatized our little free library! My wife is stepping down as our little free library’s CEO, and I am proud to unveil our new paradigm-shifting, sy...

It’s Emo Batman Versus the Zodiac Killer in a Reboot That—if Anything—Is Shorter Than Justice League By default, Matt Reeves’ The Batman is the best film depicting the Caped Crusader since 2008’s The Dark Knight. And I say this with a giant asterisk, as I’m still working my way through Zack Snyder’s Justice League (2021). I pushed PLAY on that one last March and have since strategically parceled i...

Brother In-Law It was agreed last year something would have to be done before Earl drove us all to financial ruin so this will be the first intervention of 2022, before indoor dining is back in full swing. We’ve all had enough of his sufferable vegan beer garden, trans frittata bar or truffle farm-to-plate bistro suggestions. Add any restaurant that begins with the word Un or La. In a Wendy’s loca...

Hi honey. I can see you’ve got your feet up. A well-deserved respite, certainly. Let me just say how proud I am of you for completing the 5K. You’ve trained so hard for that and made it to the finish line. That’s just remarkable. Your hubby can’t wait to brag to everyone down at the station. Now, don’t you get up. Stay right where you are, because I have something I know you’ve been craving. That’...

“Donald Trump’s new social media venture, Truth Social, appears set to launch in Apple’s App Store on Monday, according to posts from an executive on a test version viewed by Reuters, potentially marking the return of the former president to social media on the U.S. Presidents Day holiday.” –Reuters “We’re doing something that’s really, Maria, it’s such a great opportunity for President Trump, for...

People on the street who ask if he’s a member of The Village People. Social media bullying from those horrible Honeycomb Kids. Due to Cialis / Viagra allergies, not able to “stay crispy in milk” anymore, if you know what we mean. Despite being a fan of Trump, agitated by people who stormed the Capital while wearing costumes very similar to his military uniform. That Trix rabbit, who is far more po...

What a relief! Here I was thinking the satanic synapses finally got to me, that the voices in my head were speaking up and taking hold. But it was actually my water bottle doing that little pressurized air noise that happens for some reason. And, yes, my overactive imagination probably had something to do with it too. You know me, always getting carried away! Here I was thinking I’d lost my mind f...

Thank you for meeting me here under this lamppost at 3:30PM, and welcome to my hometown’s walking tour. As most of you know, our town is famous because – for a 22-hour period of time – our nation’s 16th president, Abraham Lincoln, stayed here. Yep, that’s what we’re known for. Nothing else. No matter what a certain HBO documentary might lay out in graphic detail. Anyway, let’s get started! The fir...

Most babies are not able to care for themselves Sure, some babies are a bit more autonomous than others, but for the most part, you are going to be the one caring for your baby. Don’t expect to just have a baby and then be able to check in periodically to see how it’s doing, unless you’re incredibly wealthy, in which case, you probably can do that. On the whole, parents should plan on being the on...

Frank Baum Juliet awakens and sees Romeo lying on the ground. A house has fallen on him. JULIET: Oh, Romeo. I don’t think we’re in Verona anymore. Juliet clicks her heels together three times. JULIET: There’s no place like Rome. There’s no place like Rome. There’s no place like Rome. Lady and Lord Capulet enter, along with Friar Lawrence and Nurse. JULIET: It wasn’t a dream. It was real. You were...

We want you to know that despite how it may have looked, we’re completely fine, and even quite refreshed. We were never in danger, aside from the slight risk of toxin seepage from your father’s recalled Phillips Respironics Dream Station. The truth is that we would never choose to offer a teachable moment this particular way – a thrash of nude bodies, cords, distilled water, and so on – and all we...

Five Course Valentine’s Day Prix Fixe Welcome to Valentine’s Day at Sel de la Coeur. Though this year I have personally suffered a blindingly painful divorce, I hope you enjoy our romantic menu nevertheless. Please note: There will be NO substitutions permitted. I know what it’s like to be replaced, and I will not have my menu items disrespected in the same way. You committed to this meal for bett...

I really appreciate the invite to your Super Bowl party! I haven’t watched a lot of football, but I’ve binged all five seasons of Friday Night Lights, so I’m super excited. The drama! The intrigue! The small town politics and profound emotional nuance?! Yes please! I do have to say, this has been a slow start and I’m a tad disappointed by the pacing and character arcs. For one thing, these announc...

Special K You throw a splitter to strike out the side, but tear your UCL Quaker Oh’s You watch an antique vase fall and shatter while sheltering in place near the San Andreas Fault Captain Crunch You’re Johnny Depp having lunch on the set of the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie, and as you bite into a taco, you doubt if tacos are cool Alpha-Bits You’re trying out new material at the comedy club...

“You can’t HANDLE the Booth!” “Carpe Shootem.” “Et ME, Brute?” “Valar Morghulis.” “Yabba-Dabba-Racism!” “Did I do thaaaaat?” “Yippie-Kie-Yay, Mary-Todd-Fucker!” “That’s MY ‘campaign contribution.’” “Avengers (of white grievance) ASSEMBLE!” “Four score and seven years a-NO!” “No, you Republi-CAN’T!” “Exit, stage left!” “YOLO!” “Cleanup on aisle 3!” “Abolitionist? Abolition-THIS!” “To Confederacy.an...

“Frontier Airlines and Spirit Airlines, the two largest ultralow-cost carriers in the U.S., have agreed to merge, creating what would become the fifth-largest airline in the country.” -CNBC, Monday, February 7th, 2022. What’s up, party people?! As we enter a new Frontier in the world of aviation with this exciting merger, I vow to keep the Spirit of these two special airlines alive. Here are some...

“[t]he New York Times hinted the popular online word puzzle may go behind a paywall in the future.” -Daily Mail Instructions: Call a friend and ask them to think of a five letter word but not tell you what it is. Guess the word. Friend tells you which letters are yellow (correct but in the wrong place) and which letters are green (correct and in the right place). Try to visualize this. Clarify wha...