The Weekly Humorist Podcast

Leaving the playground doesn’t have to be an anxiety-producing, three-hour affair. When you work with your toddler’s natural inclinations, it’s downright easy! Prime your toddler’s cute little brain by lovingly calling out her name and saying, “We’re leaving in two minutes. I’m starting the timer now.” Notice the other parents eyeing the pamphlet in your hand: An Illustrated Guide to Get Any Toddl...

This episode welcomes the very funny comedy writer and author Mike Sacks! Mike’s new book, ‘Passing On The Right’, is a parody of memoir by a failed comic turned right-wing radio host named Skippy ‘Batty’ Battison. It’s absolutely bonkers and at the same time, could be absolutely true. Pick it up today!

I’ve been informed that many of you have been talking behind my back. I don’t know who but everything you’ve said, I’ve heard it. Spreading rumors about my “endless charm” and “razor-sharp wit.” I’ve had enough. You better knock it off right now. Everywhere I go, I walk into rooms full of people who are talking about me in hushed voices and pointing. I can overhear them saying things about my “imm...

According to official statistics, Hartford—Connecticut’s fourth-largest city—has a population of more than 120,000. The Greater Hartford metropolitan area brings this number up to more than a million. And yet, despite this massive pool of potential readers, I cannot remember any recent Weekly Humorist articles about the capital of the Constitution State. That oversight ends now. Hartford resident,...

I was drunk when I said that — no one should resolve to spend more time with this family. Ok, I would totally see this thing through, but have you forgotten we’re in the middle of a pandemic right now? Resolutions are like student loans. If you keep deferring them, eventually they’re likely to go away altogether and then you’ll finally be happy! You know what, it’s probably unhealthy to lose THAT...

“M&M’s will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous. Until the moment you wouldn’t want to have a drink with any one of them. That’s the goal. When you’re totally turned off, we’ve achieved equity.”-Tucker Carlson, Fox News, January 21, 2022 Coca-Cola Polar Bears Not everyone knows this about me but I’m super into coke so this mascot gets m...

Joe Rogan has been spreading anti-vaccination conspiracy theories on his podcast of late; of course, this is nothing new for the guy..Joe Rogan’s Other Favorite Conspiracy Theories Zeta 384 beams are being transmitted into his brain, for the express purpose of giving him an erection when My Little Pony cartoons are broadcast on his television. The door greeters at Wal-Mart are sentient plant-human...

1. Gordor 2. Phobus 3. Polka Dot 4. Kukui 5. Tezos 6. MakerDAO 7. Bulbasaur 8. TRON 9. Picachu 10. Dogecoin 11. Charmander 12. Ripple 13. Shiba Inu Pokémon: 1,2,4,7,9,11 Cryptocurrency: 3,5,6,8,10,12,13

“In Britain, France, Spain and other countries across Europe, politicians and some public health experts are pushing a new approach to the coronavirus pandemic borne of both boldness and resignation: that the illness is becoming a fixture of daily life.” — NYT I’ll be honest, when the Titanic started sinking and it looked like we were going to drown, I thought “let’s definitely figure out a way to...

“A bill backed by Republican Gov. Ron DeSantis that would prohibit Florida’s public schools and private businesses from making people feel ‘discomfort’ or ‘guilt’ based on their race, sex or national origin received first approval Tuesday by the state’s Senate Education Committee.” –CNN, 1/20/22 Mind-boggling cluelessness isn’t as easy to maintain as it was in the good old days when people who did...

The liberals have finally done it. They’ve come for the Brown M&M, the candy so sexy Van Halen had to ban her from their dressing room. Lowered her heels, undermined her natural sex appeal, made her look not just dowdy but dour, like a Smith college sophomore who just switched her major to Women’s Studies. This, to one of the only mass-produced candies a healthy, heterosexual man would want to get...

Hi there! How’s everyone doing tonight? Welcome to the Manchin-Sinema Diner. I’m sure you’re here for the same reason everybody else is: you had no choice, because somehow, we are the only food purveyors of any kind in a 600-mile radius. My name’s Todd, and I’ll be taking care of you tonight by stonewalling, obfuscating, gaslighting, moving the goalposts, or anything else I can do to make your din...

To: All Members From: OompaLoompaOrganizing@protonmail.com We, your Oompa Loompa Doompety dUnion (OLDU) are outraged. Despite having the support of the ENTIRE staff, executive leadership of the Wonka Factory is refusing to recognize our union. Worse, they are actively suppressing our rights. It is Wonka management that insists we test the fizzy-lifting drinks without a medic present. It is Wonka m...

“If I were to take more than one gummy at a time, would that potentially cause a rapid heartbeat? Or is the rapid heartbeat caused by the fact that my mom has made an appearance in the last seven episodes of Law & Order: SVU?” “Is it advisable to take a gummy before going out to have dinner with friends? And are they really my friends? Why are they all looking at me like that? And why is the waite...

Tis’ the season for freshly fallen snow and newly kindled relationships! If you’re looking for a winter boo these eligible bachelors are both frozen and sultry, but be forewarned– your hot romance will melt them long before the Spring thaw. The Proper Snowman This dapper gentleman is pure icy class, and the authentic Burberry scarf proves he’s a cuffing season catch. This is a snowman who’ll take...

While it is important to us that you clear every third Tuesday of every month to see us perform live we want to make a couple of things clear. First off, yes we are the Queen cover band locally known as The Queen’s Jamming. Secondly, we support and respect every track ever recorded by London’s finest, however, our focus as a quintet of mildly successful forty somethings is to only play “Crazy Litt...

Hey there. I hope my email finds you well when you receive it after this super quick check-in call. You weren’t busy, were you? Doesn’t matter. I only need to steal a minute of your time. If we can catch up on that email before I send it, we’ll be way ahead of the game. Gotta keep moving! Are you getting another call right now? That’s me, hitting you up on Microsoft Teams. If we talk on Teams and...

No Drama Llamas Say, What’s That Cheesy Aroma? Singles With Shingles Fist A Cyst Raunch Dressing Chicks With Nervous Tics CutieAnon Procreation Only Insurrection Erection “Necro” Phil’s Post-Mortem Dating Service Mates For Gaetz You’ve Gotta Be Fuckin’ Kidding Me Vaseline Cuisine Castrate-A-Date

Omicone: An iced treat made from disease Omicroc: Semiaquatic reptile who coughs on you Omicrone: Malady which targets elderly witches Omicronk: The world’s most infectious dinosaur Omicon: Convinces you your money is worthless and you should give it all to the variant Omicomp: No charge for getting sick! (But well’s gonna cost.) Omiconk: Blow to the head that gives you a fever Omicorn: Even bette...

Are you tired of the same stale, repetitive nomenclature when it comes to your healthcare and medicine? Are you fed up with reading the word ‘vaccine’ over and over again? Do you feel like you deserve a better product with a cooler name? Well, have we got the shot for you! Introducing: GODSHOT. Praise him! We know what you’re thinking: GODSHOT? Really? Yes. Based on our extensive market research (...

Since The Golden Globes will not be broadcasted this year, I’ve taken the liberty of diligently detailing what you would have experienced should the awards show have gone on ahead. The host will make an edgy comment that divides the audience, causing shockwaves over Twitter where their permanent banning is demanded. They’ll be back next year. A star you loved in the eighties and nineties will deli...

I can’t believe I got roped into it I went to jail at the worst possible time Mortgaging my property to help me get back on my feet was humbling Some members of my family are disgusted with me I made an impulsive decision while on Pennsylvania Avenue I felt so isolated during the pandemic that I just wanted to do something as part of a group Unflattering pictures of me showed up on social media af...

Give me a hit of that. Nestle’s Munch! It’s #CannabisACandy on this week’s trending joke game! Here are some of the best on @HashtagRoundUp powered by @TheHashtagGame. Play our comedy hashtag twitter games every Wednesday at 11 am EST. Let’s play #CannabisACandy with co-host @HashtagRoundup powered by @TheHashtagGame TOP TWEETS go up on Weekly Humorist (@WeeklyHumorist) January 5, 2022 #CannabisAC...

James Corden: Welcome everybody! It’s hard to believe that we are a whole year out from the insurrection that everybody couldn’t stop talking about, but here we are! You may be wondering why I, of all people, am the one hosting this reunion when Jimmy Fallon could have made it equally accessible across the political aisle. The answer is: scheduling and salary! Don’t worry though, we’ve got great i...