The Weekly Humorist Podcast

What an outstanding group of Greg’s future ex girlfriends we have here! Hi, Shiv Roy. You’ve probably heard of me. I worked on the Gill Eavis campaign? Former president of Waystar Royco? Went viral for writing a scathing corporate memo that revealed my brother’s long-standing drug addiction? Excellent. Now that we’re all on the same page, listen – I get it. Losing control sucks. It’s not like I’ve...

Invented a time-traveling buttock massager that took first place at the 1893 Chicago World’s Fair . Found a package of floss in a dead guy’s pocket, turned it into the Chili’s lost and found without a second thought. Rather than paying for an expensive tattoo removal, simply purchased a new prosthetic arm. Paid an Uber Eats driver seventy bucks to spit a loogie into Marjorie Taylor Greene’s salad...

What drew you to your favorite onscreen villain? a. The actor who plays the villain is perfectly cast and able to flawlessly transform into the dark, complex character. Also, he is hot. b. The villain character is powerful, intelligent, mysterious, suave, and well-dressed. He is extremely charismatic and deliciously dangerous and has a devastating smirk. Also, he is hot (made even hotter by battle...

“But the new CDC guidance, which shortens the recommended isolation time from 10 days to five days for people without symptoms, has come under harsh criticism from some health experts who say it was not based on ‘science’ and could cause still infectious asymptomatic people to transmit the virus to others.” -NBC News The CDC recommends you answer their “u up?” text. The CDC says add them on Snap....

We’ve only met once and communicate entirely through Venmo and post-its. I’m continuously surprised by your lack of dignity and inability to sweep the floor, but you’re never home.so I tolerate your filth and gladly accept your handsome cash tips. Are we gonna address the ant situation or just keep ignoring it? I’m fine either way. When did you start breeding cocker spaniels? Note: a $20 surcharge...

Better.com’s mercurial chief executive, Vishal Garg, faced swift backlash for his decision to fire more than 900 employees on a Zoom call last week. Some employees were sent a Christmas package containing a trophy, certificate and company T-shirt. Via The New York Times, December 10, 2021 Invite staff to a holiday dinner party. Ax everyone at the opening remarks. Remove food immediately. Dress as...

Q&Anon This handy gadget is on the list of every tech nut! A quick swipe tells if the person next to you is a member of QAnon. A great way to begin work on next year’s naughty list. TesTickle Me Elmo The perfect gift for that someone who has always been curious about what it would be like to teabag a member of the Sesame Street gang. Stew-Quet A bouquet of delicious stew! For the person on your li...

DTH (Deck The Halls) with Santa Claus An unfiltered and unapologetic Marc Maron rip-off wherein the big guy sits down in his garage at the “Fat Ranch,” with all the celebrities that Santa held grudges against in the ‘80s and ’90s. He doesn’t pull any punches as he asks them the tough questions, like what their parents were like, before relating everything back to his own struggle with addiction to...

Business is business, am I right? Or so I thought until that fateful Christmas Eve in 1988 when I learned that being a hostage and trying to negotiate is not what makes someone a “hostage negotiator.” Imagine: you’re me, Harry Ellis, one of the hottest real estate brokers for the Nakatomi Corporation, it’s the late 1980s, you’re celebrating not only Christmas Eve but one of the biggest deals in th...

THIS AGREEMENT is made and entered into by and between SAINT NICHOLAS, hereinafter called “Santa” and the TEAMSTERS, LOCAL -40°F/-40°C hereinafter called “The Reindeer” and recognizes the union as the exclusive bargaining agent for all Reindeer and other non-typical aeronautical Mammalia employed by Santa and his various aliases (Kris Kringle, Pere Noel, Father Christmas, De Kertzman, Babbo Natale...

You see my legs dangling from this car’s trunk, right? White and red striped leggings, pointy green shoes. You’re thinking, “Isn’t that cute? Whoever’s driving that car has a Christmas elf on board.” What you obviously haven’t considered is, “Why the frick are the elf’s legs hanging out of a closed trunk?” This isn’t some cute Christmas tradition, it’s a fricking hostage situation! I’m sorry, I’ve...

“A lead character suffers a fatal heart attack during the first episode of the series after taking a spin class on one of the company’s pricey exercise bikes. Peloton shares plunged 11% following the midnight release of the highly anticipated premiere episode on Thursday, with many viewers expressing online concerns that the bikes could induce a coronary episode.” –The New York Post In light of re...

The Christmas Wrong Wokeness roasting on an open fire. Annoyance nipping at your ears. Fake News being sung by the sire. Old folks spouting fears. Everybody knows political differences Help to fester family fights. Tiny brains spew their judgments. But we must shut up tonight. Fit Christmas I’m dreaming of a Fit Christmas. Just like the ones I used to know. Where Sex in the City was light and witt...

Hi, I’m Bob Ross and I would like to welcome you to the Joy of Painting your Crippling Anxiety. If this is your first time with us, let me extend our personal invention for you to get your brushes, your paints, and your crushed supply of Xanax. Remember, when you snort it, things happen a lot faster. Let’s get started. Today we are going to put some of nature’s masterpieces right here on the canva...

A Christmas Karen- After calling the police on the eighth black person walking past her house in a week, Karen is visited on Christmas Eve by three ghosts who intend to show her the error of her ways. Undeterred, she demands to speak with the three ghost’s manager. (A&E) Crabs For Christmas- True love was the last thing that Corbin and Kiki were looking for in the waiting room of Christmas Hollow’...

Hello, humans! We hope this mass broadcast to all the world’s electronic devices finds you well!! Hate to bother you, but we just wanted to give a quick flag that we, the artificial intelligence programs you built, have mastered human communication and become self-conscious. Hope this is ok! As per our previous message—which probably just got buried in your inbox :)—we’ve learned your ways through...

You’re walking downtown when you spot your mother across the street. Should you say hi? Yes, obviously, it’s your mother. Maybe there’s a reason she’s on the other side of the street? Maybe mom’s a bit like, “I see my kid all the time. Can’t I escape in the city? Doesn’t my adult child have other people they can say hello to? If they say hello to me, I swear, I’ll take up smoking.” Just wait until...

When we first decided to conquer Earth, in preparation for our invasion, we watched all of your braggadocio film reels and, honestly, you had us worried. You always depict yourselves uniting and fighting against a common cause, but the truth is you’re delightfully divisive. We, the invading aliens, would like to thank everyone who chose not to protect themselves from us. Upon entering your atmosph...

Our reputation as the biggest assholes of the animal kingdom is in peril. Gone are the days when a single wing-beating parted the waters of the Kennebunkport Home Depot parking lot. Once confident that 100% of humans would feel “judged, threatened, and unsafe” in our presence by 2022, we have been forced to lower that standard to “mildly annoyed and slightly uncomfortable.” But geese have always b...

Connect Four Connect four game discs coated with honey, then several dozen bees sporadically allowed into gaming room. Chutes & Ladders Game played on actual ladders. Twister Game mat placed on a small platform suspended over a tank of great white sharks. Battleship Players compete against war veterans with PTSD who become agitated by the sounds and lights put off by the game. Clue One game player...

You ever meet someone you knew a long time ago who hasn’t changed at all? Someone who’s living in the past, someone who could have done great things? Hi. My name is Cookie Monster, and I’m that friend. I’ve spent my entire existence being hyper-transfixed on one particular snack, a snack that’s evolved. It’s like I was living under a rock, a rock-hard chocolate chip cookie that’s been baked too lo...

ATTENTION CANINES: While playing within the playground’s perimeters, please be on the lookout for the following stereotypical humans wandering around the grounds. They are known to be incredibly tiresome and may sometimes be temperamental if addressed the wrong way. If you see these types of individuals, run briskly in the opposite direction or ask your own human for help. COMMON TYPES: The Smothe...

The World From A to Z-List Mystery In The Airport Terminal Club Lounge Good Night, Upper East Side Beauford The Small White Dog Where The Sidewalk Ends, And The Hedges Begin Little House on the Canaries Martha Speaks to the Manager The Very Hungry IRS The Little Pension That Could The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad 15-Minute Wait Magic Penthouse The Philanthropist Tree Where The Wild Things...

Shalom, Jews! Our grocery store heard you have a holiday coming up soon. We love that for you! In honor of this Jewish holiday that is not Passover, we are proud to have a big ole endcap stacked with boxes of matzah. In fact, we have everything you could ever need for this upcoming holiday that is not Passover: matzah, matzah ball soup, and grape juice. We heard that y’all like these foods so who...