The Weekly Humorist Podcast

Welp, I just had my annual checkup at the doctors and it went well. Yep, tests came back good. Tested high on the high ones, low on the low ones you know. Doctor did recommend I add more cheese to my diet though. Yeah, he said more cheese because he knows that I like cheese and he said it’s okay to have cheese for every meal. He says the way I feel while eating cheese is good for me because I’m ha...

Turkey: You basic bitch. Of course, you’re into turkey. You love being the center of attention. You definitely see yourself as a trendsetter even though you love to complain about how the local Lululemon store is sold out of your favorite $200 leggings. Mashed Potatoes & Gravy: You’re traditional and a little bland, but well loved. Almost everyone likes you and you are great at mediating the inevi...

Text your high school ex something vague and then block her This choice, which typically goes hand in hand with another entry farther down on the list: start drinking more, is pretty much always a terrible idea. But that doesn’t mean that it’s not an attractive one. Egged on by your cousin Roy, who is dating a woman way out of his league, you pull out your phone and draft a couple of different opt...

“Thanksgiving dinner will cost more this year. Many people have already done their shopping for the holiday amid concerns about empty shelves.. Some shoppers are also struggling to find the particular brands they need for their classic recipes.” — The Washington Post, November 22, 2021 Welcome to our home, let me take your coats. Sit, sit, there’s no need to help. Talk among yourselves as I finish...

The One Where No One Uses Monica’s Body As A Thanksgiving Joke Punchline The One Where Joey Admits He Accidentally Voted for Bush, Because He Thought His Name Was Funny The One Where Everyone Says They’re Thankful For Their Rent-Controlled Apartments The One Where Phoebe Tells Everyone They’ll Have To Stop Eating Turkey If She’s Going To Remain In This Friend Group The One Where Everyone Quietly A...

“Suave” shouldn’t just be the lone brand name on your otherwise barren shower shelf; it should be the word that people use to describe you! You’re a modern man on the go. You’ve got a busy schedule. The products you buy, just like the exorbitant sum of money you drunkenly dumped into DogeCoin on a dare at a Super Bowl party this year, should always be passively working for you. Companies and their...

The Silence Of The Yams The Corn Identity Butter Knives Out! Bird Basting Box The Girl On The Gravy Train No Cornbread For Old Men Get Out The Liquor Fried Club The Manchurian Canned Cranberry Sauce A Time To Grill The Hunt For Red Wine In November 12 Hungry Men The Day After Thanksgiving Purge Escape Your Family Room Gone Gravy Gone Now You See Meat The Fat & The Furious Bad Gastra The Ate Team T...

Aiden Johnson Residence: Valparaiso, Indiana Education: 5th Grade Toy they can’t live without: Animal Crossing: New Horizon for Nintendo Switch The most senior member of our list, Aiden Johnson, took the 5th grade by storm with his realistic drawings of teachers crossed with animals, or “Aiden-morphs™” as he’s calling them. More than just a way to get some laughs and pass the time, Aiden is sellin...

Had “a thing.” Can’t stop refreshing for updates on the Disney+ spinoff series “Tiana” Couldn’t read the subpoena due to darkness inside Charles Koch’s rectum. Parent-teacher meeting for Nestor Back-to-back vice-presidential briefings for JFK Jr Previously scheduled menage-a-trois with Lauren Boebert and an AR-15 “Whah, I jest don’t have a thing to wear!” Accompanying Q Shaman on a vision quest to...

Carnival tickets for my wife and kids: –$80 Gas: –$40 Parking: –$10 Cotton candy: –$5 Fresh squeezed lemonade: –$4 Footlong corn dog: –$8 Pretzel: –$3 Milk bottle game: –$3 Milk bottle game: –$3 Milk bottle game: –$3 Milk bottle game: –$3 Milk bottle game: –$3 Milk bottle game: –$3 Milk bottle game: –$3 Milk bottle game: –$3 Milk bottle game: –$3 Milk bottle game: –$3 Milk bottle game: –$3 Milk bo...

My dearest sir, I write with the utmost sorrow to say that I cannot accommodate your recent invitation to beef. I received a staggering number of inquiries this year from a field of extraordinarily hostile and disagreeable applicants. Nothing would please me better than to crush each of your trifling asses like the detestable insects you are. But alas, my schedule renders that impossible. I did ap...

SNAP: There’s so much to say about this situation. I’m glad it’s finally being told. CRACKLE: We were stuck. He was our brother, but also our colleague. Ya know? POP: The world of onomatopoeic cereal marketing is very cutthroat, and our sibling was a corporate casualty. There were so many factors. It’s complicated. SLURP: Kellogg’s said I sounded like a blowjob. The beginning SNAP: We started harm...

These gummy vitamins are good enough to take daily, but not so good that you’ll be tempted to eat a handful Thanks to these, I’ll never have to Google, “Is it bad to eat seven gummy vitamins” again. Finally: The Most Comfortable Pants In The World That No One Will Say Look Comfortable I’ve worn these outside the house at least twenty different times and not one person (knock on wood) has said, “I...

About $24 billion in goods is estimated to be sitting outside California’s two biggest ports as the shipping backup there continues to put pressure on an already-brittle supply chain.— CNN, October 26, 2021 From: Antonio@MerchantofVenice.com To: ContainerzzzzExpress Subject: These delays are but screwing me Good morrow, Prithee, hear me, I am but waiting. Thou knowest that all my fortunes are at s...

Everyone knows that you’re having the shower at Carl’s Jr because they gave you that “eat free forever” coupon after you found chunks of broken glass in your curly fries. I don’t suppose that same offer will apply to your guests at the shower? Hmmm? Yeah, I thought not. You’re not having a baby; you’re considering maybe buying an iguana when you get your tax refund next year. Look, that’s great an...

I love my Grandmother — truly I do. At 84 years old, she’s lived an impressive life. After becoming the first woman from her town to ever attend college, my Grandmother went on to a 55 year career in education. After a decades of teaching that saw her push to pilot a variety of new courses and programs, she was hired on as a Principal at the local middle school, where her attention to curricular d...

O Captain Crunch, My Captain Crunch – Walt Whitman The Road Not Taken (To The Mall) – Robert Frost Go Daddy – Sylvia Plath Wild Turkey Nights – Wild Turkey Nights – Emily Dickenson The Love Song of J. Crew Alfred Prufrock – TS Eliot The Charge of the Bud Light Brigade – Alfred Lord Tennyson Caged Bird’s Eye Frozen Dinners – Maya Angelou Home (Depot) – Warsan Shire Horatius At The Ben Bridge Jewele...

Add: Your Fourth Cousin on Your Father’s Side, Tony You’ve got to be kidding me with this. He better be invited! Who cares if you don’t remember him, he’s family! Add: Your Mom’s Hairdresser, Denise Denise is coming, and that’s all I’m going to say. (She’s practically family, and she could use a night out to meet a nice fella.) Add: Your Tee-Ball Coach From When You Were Six, Coach Joey “Joe” Fazi...

Straw Dry cleaners Free vacuum from the gas station Roll tire into a large bag of rice Phylum porifera (Sponge) Roll tire into a large bag of silica gel packets Extract with a syringe and plunge outside of tire Roll tire into warm climate and wait for evaporation Hold tire up to a hand dryer in a public restroom Roll into freezing climate, wait for ice block to form, and remove it Hold tire up to...

If someone notices that you are wearing the baseball cap of a team from a city other than the one you are currently in, including your region or metropolitan area—or the closest Major League Baseball team if your region or metropolitan area does not have an MLB team of its own—you must sound or look happy about this recognition. Let’s say the cap in question is an Expos cap. If someone else utters...

$309,900 Welcome home to this modestly appointed rancher constructed in haste post-WW II. Dark wood paneling abounds in this sprawling 3 bed 1 bath single-level home. Enter the paneled foyer that opens to a living room with not one, but two bold wallpaper choices that meet mid-room over a deep wine-colored carpet. Take a trip back in time to a retro kitchen that retains all of its style and origin...

Don’t attempt to dress up in a better, more colorful costume than your friend. Remember, you’re there to help him get candy. You’re not there to get candy for yourself. Help your friend to maintain focus. It’s important to not expel all of your energy too early in the evening. There’s plenty of candy out there for everyone! You don’t want to get home and realize that you filled your bag with a bun...

I can tell from that look of shock that you weren’t expecting me to track you down. Again. But no matter how many times you change your phone number or fake your own death, I’m going to find you. Not because I’m a psychopath with some bizarre drive to kill you, but because I want to save you money on auto repair costs. I’ve been called evil, soulless and obscenely persistent. So when Warranties R...

Candy Corn The children of corn farmers were growing tired of their lack of treats. Other kids in neighboring farms boasted of their fun foods, like Wheat Germ Snackaroos, and Pickled Pork Trotter Tots. The kids combined corn bits with candle wax, and voila: Candy Corn was made! Other names used before they decided on “Candy Corn” were Corn Chewers, Waxy Cobs, and Sweet Husk Innards. Circus peanut...